I received The Man-ual for my 18th birthday. What? You’ve never heard of The Man-ual? Oh, of course you haven’t… The Man-ual is a sizeable leather-bound reference book that all boys get when they become men. Mine came unexpectedly and anonymously in the mail. It reeked of cigar smoke and Old Spice and it outlined all of the things I am – and am not – allowed to talk about with people lacking the Y chromosome… women.
The #1 rule enshrined in The Man-ual? You guessed it. “You do not talk about The Man-ual.” So important is this rule that it is embossed on the cover of the book. Fight Club was actually written as a subliminal means to reinforce this rule with the male populace.
That, you see, is why you’ve never heard of The Man-ual. And that is also why the rest of this post could get me into a whole heap of trouble with my gender.
But I think it is important that you know the truth. The image of Man is getting a bum rap in the media and in society at large, so I plan on systematically revealing many elements of The Man-ual to help debunk man-myths.
We shall start with the locker room myth.
Most outsiders believe the locker room is where the average male goes to recharge his testosterone batteries. It is thought that, in the locker room, men share the logistics of their sexual exploits (experienced and desired), develop evil wing-man schemes to dupe unsuspecting women and make-up new terms that can never be repeated, not even on the internet.
Here’s the real story.
The locker room is a crass and vulgar place, for sure. There’s lots of good-natured ribbing going on and each man gives the abuse as much as he gets it. I wouldn’t want Pea hanging out there in her spare time, but truth be told, beyond the above-average level of swearing the locker room really isn’t that bad.
We discuss our favourite TV shows, talk about work, technology, and so on. Picture your run-of-the-mill cocktail party, but with farting.
Here’s the kicker. What surprises me the most about the locker room, especially since I’ve become a Dad, is the amount of time guys spend talking about their families. And it’s not the “woe is me, my family is weighing me down” stuff we often see in movies.
It’s all good stuff! It’s a Dad beaming as he talks about his daughter’s mastery of karate. It’s a Dad asking for advice on sleep training or his kids’ education. It’s a Dad recounting a busy Saturday spent driving from one activity to another and finishing with ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
According to The Man-ual, I’m supposed to keep all this under wraps. I’m supposed to maintain the locker room’s perceived sanctity, as a place where guys can go to be guys and feed their instinctual need to grunt. But that’s just not the case.
So the next time the Dad in your life says “I’m going to my game,” wish him well and ask him to take a straw poll on whether or not the guys are getting a Zhu Zhu for their kids this Christmas.
Because chances are, he’s going to talk about it anyway.
PS – To set your mind at ease, The Man-ual is a figment of my imagination. It was conceived as a recurring narrative tool to help me tell my stories. Don’t bother looking it up or asking about it. It doesn’t exist. Yeah… that’s it… it doesn’t exist…
Vicky… that sounds kind of depressing… get them to buy a stereo or something… geez!
You are right, men do get a bad wrap. And nothing has made me see my husband in a better light than hearing how he speaks of our children when he thinks I can’t hear him. It’s unexpected given the “bad wrap”, but it shouldn’t be because we are all human beings! Keep debunking those myths, you are doing husbands everywhere a huge favor!
Intersting stuff!! In the women’s lockers room…there is no talking. We are too busy rushing out of there to do carpool. I swear the locker room at my gym, is silent!
As a new mom, with “parent” friends, I have seen a whole new side to husbands and fathers. What a pleasant surprise that when they get together they do talk about their families, with love & pride. And that my hubby’s network of friends is just as important as mine for those trying times.
When my kids were little I used to tell them they came with instructions….delivered right after their arrival. They come in a plastic bag , of course, smelling of baby powder and penaten cream
This is a big eye-opener for me! Thanks for the insider-scoop. My hubby doesn’t actually ever spend time in lockers, but at the end of a baseball game, I simply imagine a group of men standing around in silence, drinking a nice cool beer. I don’t imagine any talking at all somehow!