I was at the splash pad with The Boy and two moms were sitting on a bench nearby. I don’t know the context of their conversation, I completely eavesdropped on them, but I got the gist of the convo. They were discussing why another mother they knew would have another baby, because she already had one and that child was in….daycare. While the mother WORKED. I am going to assume that both of these moms were stay-at-home moms, because the next part of their conversation included this:
All moms work. Some moms have to work outside of the home, some moms choose to work outside of the home. Some moms work at home. Some moms don’t have a partner to rely on and must work outside of the home. Some moms have spent years building a career that they love and want to continue that career while building and nurturing a family. Some moms can’t afford to feed their families without a dual income.
Whatever the reason, NONE of us had kids just so we could ship them off to daycare or leave them with a nanny. Please don’t be so foolish to think that we did.
Truth be told, I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom. I really do- but it’s not in the cards for me now. I know how hard stay-at-home moms work and the sacrifices that they make (in fact, I’ll be featuring one of those self-sacrificing moms soon)…but I know that work-at-home and work-out-of-home moms work hard too. It’s a tough decision to send your child to daycare and trust someone else to love them as much as you do. But some of us have to do it.
So, to those moms on the bench, I didn’t have a kid to let someone else raise him- I had a kid because I knew I was meant to have a child and give him the best life I could give him- one full of love, experiences and nurturing. The life I can give him will also include daycare (at least for now) and I don’t think that makes me a better or worse mom…please don’t be so narrow in your thinking.
so many things to say here… but among them:
– the care and feeding of our little ones IS important, which is why I don’t begrudge a penny of the cost of my daycare (though it is lots and lots of pennies), but it isn’t the entirety of raising a child. That comment is both simplistic and inflammatory.
– I am a big supporter of daycare, and even if I stayed at home, would want my kids enrolled a few mornings a week. Those teachers have training in child development and in building a programme designed to foster physical, social, and cognitive development in ways that I just couldn’t see doing. My daughter has terrific friends from daycare, and we have made friends of some of those parents. There is a lot to be said for the variety of experience, the connections, and the learning that happens in daycares.
– I may have to work to make ends meet in our city, but even if I didn’t? I would probably work part-time, at least, because I love what I do. I would miss my calling deeply if I weren’t doing it every day. Yes, I love my kids, too. But having both? Life is full.
-I also have to consider my future. My children will leave home one day, and I will retire one day, and by working full-time, I am ensuring financial stability. I have a pension. With federal old age pensions getting iffy and covering less and less, and with investments going up and down, I can’t assume that my children will look after me – it is part of my responsibility to myself and to my children to make sure I am looked after. So yes, while part-time would be ideal and probably do-able right now financially, it is also those benefits, both health coverage now and pension later, that make full-time even more necessary.
But really, those women are just congratulating themselves on what they see as ideal. Fine, glad they are happy with how things have gone. But must we look down on others when we’re flying high?
And you can take that to the BANK! Agree 100%.
I saw the Urban Moms email in my inbox and I was having a bad day yesterday (at work and with kids) and was kind of afraid to read it because I didn’t need anymore guilt.
I’m glad I did.
I work full-time and we have a nanny. And my son will be in grade 1 soon.
When I was on mat leave with my 2nd daughter my son started jk. I got to know the playground moms and at some point, several months in, I mentioned I’d be going back to work and a nanny would be joining us.
No matter how comfortable I was in my decision, it’s brutal leaving your kids. BRUTAL. And the comments they made were awful as in “I could never leave my child with a stranger” and on and on.
I guess the comments made me stronger.
But the judgement was brutal. And they still judge me.
What I know is that our nanny loves my children. And she has enriched not only their lives but ours. I know her family. I feel part of something beyond myself. My kids want to travel to the Philippines to meet her family.
Truth – I can’t imagine our lives without this wonderful influence.
Everyone makes choices. And I’m proud of mine. Even if not everyone agrees with it.
And if you choose to stay at home, great. I think that’s awesome too.
Well here goes my two cents worth. It has already been stated , but worth noting again that whatever you choose, thats to be a SAHM or working mom, you can still find ways to get your child what he or she needs. SAHM can still have structure and meet other children at Early Years, working moms can still find “quality time” to spend with their kids on holidays and volunteer time at their school to be close to them.
As long as you have their interest in heart, then you can find a way to make it work!
If its okay I would like to vent a little about the mommy wars, because they exist beyond this topic. I am a SAHM that is going back to school to update my skills in order to compete when I get back into the workforce.
I personally think that to be a SAHM, you have to have a good network of friends and be a really patient person to handle your kids 24/7 otherwise it can get fustrating.
There are definitely some drawbacks to being a SAHM (refering to the mothers well being ). If your friends are working moms like mine, they may tend to cancel out gatherings all the time because their life is too hectic. ( yes, I’m venting). My experience is that after 5 years of friendships with moms, that friendships are easily broken when you do not choose your friends carefully, who do not nurture the relationship.
Sometimes mothers can be inconsiderate by thinking that you are their personal babysitter, or by forgetting you exist after you introduce them to a new friend ( sorry, venting again). Going back to school or work, especially when your child is in school full time, in my opinion , at least for me is much healthier for my well being.
Hear hear. Well said, Sarah!
I have so many thoughts on this, Sarah. So many.
I really don’t understand that it’s 2010 and Moms are still fighting this Mommy War.
I have done the SAHM thing.
I have done the working mom/nanny thing.
and now i am doing the WAHM/no nanny thing.
And I have been judged by many people, with each of the things I have done.
Working moms have judged me for not working.
Daycare moms have judged me for having a nanny.
SAHmoms have judged me for working outside the home.
You can’t win.
And that makes me so sad.
Women need to understand that every family is different, every mother is different, every child is different and every situation is different. What I do may be good for me, but may not be good for someone else, etc. Women need to SUPPORT each other and stop PUTTING EACH OTHER DOWN.
I’ll step off my soapbox now.
I think the absolutely crazy thing is no one chastizes fathers for working. But that is another subject for a different article.
I have had both situations sicne having our daughter. We had originally decided that I stay home till she was at least in 1st grade, but due to my husband’s possible layoff I went back to work for 2 years part time ( weekends & covering for when people were on vacations). As his situation became more steady and overtime increased and he started working weekends we had to leave her at home with a very good babysitter. After about one month of this we decided it was safe for me to quit. My daughter told me flat out she missed having all of us together on a regular basis. I have to say I missed being home full time. It was nice being back in the workforce and the money was okay, but I now want to stay home till she is old enough to be left alone.
I think working is a personal decision and I know it must be hard to leave children (espically when they are little) with a caregiver, but I think it is no one else’s place to judge. Every household has their reasons.
Single mom here. No choice on the working. One mom in my twin group said “Oh, I knew we’d be poorer because I would stay home. Its part of having kids, giving things up. I dont know how anyone could go back to work.” Well, I have no problem giving lots of things up, but a roof over our head and food on the table are a couple of things I just cant seem to part with. She knew I was a single mom too when she said it. I was very offended.
Ahhh… the mommy wars. I always think that those who are so judgmental are secretly insecure about their own choices and need to beat their chests a bit to convince themselves. My kids have had all three situations: a SAHM (three one-year maternity leaves), a nanny and daycare. They’re good, happy, healthy kids. I work full-time, and it’s just BS to say someone else is raising my children. When you eventually send them off to school, do you say the teacher is now raising your child? Is the teenage camp counsellor raising your little camper? Parenting is hard enough without clueless people making uninformed judgments. Thanks for a great article.
I have very little patience for women marginalizing other women – where is the sisterhood? Thanks for this article- I don’t know anyone not working hard… in or outside the home
Most of my thoughts are echoed in various posts above.
If you read nothing else in my post, what I didn’t see above is that the decision should not be made only because it suits the parent. We are raising people, not peons. Some kids NEED the stimulation of childcare. Some kids need the routine. Some kids need to be ‘forced’ to engage with other kids. Some kids freak out in Kindergarten because they have never been away from their parent.. or even grade 1 if they’ve been kept home until then. That is quite embarrassing to a kid when they are 5 or 6 and want to cry when their parent leaves them.. or do cry.
What about the kid who always wants their way? Is it not better to put them into group and sharing situations, teaching them independence earlier than later? etc. etc.
There are many reasons beyond career and finances to put a child into daycare. It may make the mommy or daddy sad at first, but it might be best for the child.
And by the way, what is wrong with spending hours of quality time in the evenings and two full days on the weekend with your child/ren? At daycare, the younger kids spend 2hrs a day sleeping anyhow. They spend another hour having snacks. They spend another hour here and there, putting on snowsuits, lining up for things, etc. etc. When they are home, they are home and available for quality one on one.
I also know that some kids are painfully shy and playground play with other kids is plenty of stimulation for them. I have kids in daycare and they thrive on it.
Not too long ago, we found out my son has borderline Aspergers. I can honestly say that people have no idea, even the daycare staff who spent 5 yrs with him, can’t believe it. Why, because of ALL THE SOCIALIZATION! (and the exposure to variety of activities, toys, foods etc.)
Personally, I am incredibly impressed with how much gets done in even a few hours at a daycare. Creative, physical, reading, singing, etc. They are SO organized and run a tight ship. They dont raise their voices, lose their tempers or take personal matters out on the kids, ever. How many of us, at home all day with our kids (I am on the weekends and evgs) can say that?
Also, he thrives on routine and daycares do routine far better than my ADD riddled self. Financially, we can’t live on one salary and I can tell you that subsidy makes little difference in day to day funds, if there are two incomes.
They have this magic calculator that figures out exactly how much to charge you, so that you are essentially in the same financial place as without it. Regardless, you will have one salary going into childcare with a bit left over if you are lucky, for one bill or a few groceries.
BTW they do not take any expenses into consideration anymore. That works against families like ours. Why? For starters., Occupational Therapists start at $100/hr and that doesn’t count as an expense. How about the fact that there is no subsidized spot in our area for one of the children, so there is another daycare fee.. and that doesnt count either. If I want to bus him to another daycare with a spot, that bus fee doesn’t count. I have no morning daycare for either child that can get them to school. Public schools don’t take kids til 8:56 for Kindergarten and thereafter, 8:45. (Keep that in mind, new moms) So I can’t work anywhere before 10am if I could find such a job. My inability to secure full time work, has no bearing on my fee either, even though I WANT TO work full time but have never had both kids in the same place morning and night, always running to and fro to deliver and gather them. If I move, I lose my precious daycare spots. What to do? Rock or Hard place?
So, no matter what we are beyond broke, but we can eat.. and once in awhile a utility or phone is cut off when we just can’t rotate the bills fast enough. Our rate is not low enough when I factor in the 2nd daycare fee alone. Can’t afford to see the OT, sadly.
There are no easy answers.
Do what is best for each child in your house.
Keep in mind that kids change.
Adapt.
It’s not about you.. we just give birth to them.
Foster the individual you gave birth to. Indulge them, sure, but also let them grow and become as strong as possible, as people- not extensions of yourself.
It’s about them.
Great article. It’s sad that too often working moms are made to feel like they are choosing work or their own career over their kids. As a working mom, I can say that this is definitely not the case. I actually choose to continue to work, not because I don’t love my kids or because I want someone else to raise them, but because to me, it is important that my kids see the value of working hard and having a family life. My kids never feel like they are second best and they are happy and loved. Sure, some days I wish I could take them to the park or other fun activity during the day, but this is a choice that I have made and I am actually more fulfilled for having the best of both worlds.
And I know many SAHMs who still send their kids off to daycare or programs where the parent is not there; they know the value of having kids interact with others and learn to be independent. These skills will help them later in life. We see too many instances of over-bearing parents, which in the long run is unhealthy for kids as they will never learn to solve their own problems.
I used to be a single parent and had no choice but to my son into daycare. I did that for 3 years, until I met my now husband. After we got married, I became pregnant and had our first child together. We both decided that I would stay home and look after the kids, because daycare would cost to much. At the time we didn’t make enough, but we made to mudh to get a subsidy. We had moved shortly thereafter, and I became pregnant with our second. Again our decision for me to stay home, and I will continue to stay home until all the kids are in school, then I will return to the workforce. We’ve been lucky enough that after we moved, my husband has been able to support us with just his income. We make do with what we have, and thankful that we are able to have one of us stay home with the kids, for now.
Mommy guilt? I’ve got it! How I wish I could be at home with my son! But realistically, I wouldn’t be able to maintain my current lifestyle and provide all of the extra curriculars for him. To compensate, i take every opportunity i can to take time off work to volunteer at my son’s school and am very active in the school’s activities. That’s what works for our family right now. Being a working mom is very difficult, but somehow u make things work and I actually enjoy and appreciate every moment I spend with my son. Who knows, maybe I’ll stay at home after I have another? But what ever my decision, it’ll be what is right for our family.
i say that but not in a way that judges other people, yes it is possible. i firmly believe that _for me_. the woman said “i” didn’t…not “why do _people_ have kids….” that would be judgemental. you can’t possible criticize this woman for her own belief on her own situation.
whatever anyone else wants to do for their family is fine with me. if the kids are loved and cared for that’s awesome! i was looking at daycares and got hit with the realization that if i wanted this (being a parent) i need to see it through to the end. i know a lot of people who need daycare as they don’t have a partner to support them or the work they do doesn’t pay enough. there’s no way i look down on them or can possibly judge them as i have no idea what their situation is like. i wanted my kids to grow up with someone i knew (me!…but then again….!) so i would actually know them and not see them 2 hours a day. (that would have been my situation if i had gone back to work….why would i have had kids in that case? that’s not my version of parenting. it’s not right or wrong, it’s just me.)
i also say “i don’t know how moms can work outside of the home” and i mean that! i don’t know how they can physically and mentally do it! i have troubles just being a mom and i completely applaud the women and men out there who can do both. i know i don’t have it in me at all. there’s no amount of money that can compensate any parent whichever career they choose inside or outside the home.
i honestly think the real tragedy here is how much the child care workers are paid. i don’t know if things are any better now but when i started looking (7 years ago now) the girl who served me french fries got paid more than the one caring and raising children. now that’s wrong.
What a great post! I am a working mom, and feel strongly that I am better for my daughter this way. This may not be what is best for everyone, or the choice everyone makes, but thats the beauty this is a “choice”. I fully enjoy and love the time I spend with my daughter, but know that I would not be as thrilled if colouring, going to the park, playing with other kids was my full time job. I think I’m a better mom for knowing that this is not my strength and admitting it.
Someone once said, it takes a village to raise a child. I am a testament to this comment, my daycare provider, parents, siblings all spend time with her and she learns different things from each of them, I’m glad they are in my village – they allow her to have experinces and opportunities that other she may not have had.
Loved the post!
Excellent post!! I think that the people who say these things often forget that daycare and services of the such are actual vital in the social and emotional development of their child!
What works for one person may not work for another. I think that the biggest offence here is the judgment that these mothers are placing on mom’s who work. People are way to judgmental these days!
Wow- awesome comments! I’m glad other people find it as offensive as I did!
Jillian- I’d be honoured to be included on your blogroll! Thanks:)
Great post. I read this last night, but was too tired to comment. (I’m still too tired to comment, but here goes).
We all – as moms, as women, as members of the human race – need to stop judging others and raise each other up. (I am guilty of a few judgy thoughts myself, so I need to hear this, too). We do NOT know the motivations or reasons behind anyone else’s decisions – even though we think we might. NO parenting decision is ever black and white/cut and dry.
I’m sure I’m judged at the Early Years Centre while I sit on the couch and read the paper while my son plays on his own (within sight) while the other moms are down on the floor playing. I do interact and play with my kid for some of the time there, but not all of it. There are reasons behind why I do it. Some are for me (a bit of a brain break to read and think) and some are for him (to help him socialize and work out things on his own and learn and build confidence and trust in himself). I’m not a mom that jumps in at every conflict at the play centres. Again, I’m probably judged for that.
We kept my daughter in daycare part time after I’d had my second child and was home again. There were many reasons. Some were the same reasons we’d put her in daycare in the first place.
I’ve had a kid in daycare and I’ve had kids at home. We’ve done the stay-at-home-Daddy thing here, too.
I am going to wrap up a way-too-long comment now by just saying ‘can’t we all just embrace each other as members of the parent club? We will all make different decisions, but we do so in hopes they are the best decisions for our families.’
Well said Sarah!
Awesome post Sarah. I used to dream of being a stay at home mom. Now I know, even if I could afford it, which I can’t, I’d be horrible at it but it doesn’t mean I can’t be a great mom AND have my kid at daycare. And Mycafelatte – love that comment!
My Bunny LOVES daycare! She’s all about Mo-mo this and Mo-Mo that and “I’m going to Mo- Mo Mommy!” as we brush our teeth for bed. To which I reply, “Yes, Bunny – TOMORROW!!!” She loves coming home too, by the way. Just in case you didn’t get that! She’s learning shapes and colours and nursery rhymes that I’ve forgotten. She’s living life to the full and she’s only two!! I love daycare! They have the wealth of experience I don’t have.
maybe the people you overheard should let someone else raise their kids, that way the children could learn empathy.
This is a great post Sarah.
As a former childcare worker I think that daycare is wonderful enriching experience full of learning and social opportunities.
I feel very fortunate to be able to stay at home with my kids. But realistically – due to our circumstances – I stay home. Had I not had to commit so much time to Cuyler’s therapy I would have been working.
I must admit – and I may get flamed – but I have passed judgement on those mothers who let their nanny do it all. I’ve seen several nannies at our local EYC and the mothers are there as well. Not interacting with the kids. Maybe there’s a touch of jealousy that I have no help during the day, but I cringe when I see the nannies doing activities with the kids and the moms sipping their coffee’s chatting away.
That’s what I don’t get.
If I could afford help I’d get all the other crappy chores done for me – cooking, laundry, cleaning – so I could devote more time to my kids.
Fantastic post Sarah, as a mom who stays at home right now I can definitely say that there are some days when I think my kids are better off at daycare because I am trying to juggle so much with a work from home job and many other crazy things on the go. I know that this thinking will get my no where but it goes to show you that no matter what we do we don’t think we are doing a good enough job! It is never the quantity of time that defines our success – it is the quality of time! Moms who have kids in daycare are just as good of moms as those who don’t. Righteous attitudes get us no where!
Well said Sarah! I hear this all the time as well, especially since I had to start work again 1 month after my last baby was born. If you don’t mind, I’d like to add you to my blogroll!
What an excellent post, Sarah. I don’t have anything to add…you’ve said it all.