When Norman Mailer’s 6th wife was asked many times why she thought it would be any different with her, she replied “he adored me, obviously, and when somebody adores you, that’s hard to ignore”.
I get that.
Did she think things would be different with her, that she would somehow crack his code of conduct, his legendary if often humiliating philandering that spanned decades, that she would be ‘enough’ woman to cure him of his emptiness?
Of course she did.
And of course she could not.
When asked if she was surprised by his chronic infidelity, she said “I bought a a ticket to the circus, I don’t know why I was surprised to see elephants.”
Why are we sideswiped by the obvious ? Why, when we sign up for something because we are so attracted to it, are we shocked by it?
Denial is only part of it.
It is a strong tidal wave of delusions and a compelling need to believe what we want and need to believe. Also because opposites attract- we are often drawn to what is not necessarily good for us.
My hesitancy to get married I figured, at the time, was more attributable to my hesitancy to get married (my mom’s friend called me “the reluctant bride”) than my spidey senses that it might not work out at all with this man. Every bride is entitled to “cold feet” and grooms appear expected to have them. So what is the difference between normal cold feet and real red flag indicators that you should not get married?
I have no idea.
Do you?
if any of us could have the wisdom to see the future and to set aside all emotion related to any major choices, the world would be a less interesting place and you especially might not have had two bits of perfection. Well done – Bitsy
Ahh…my gut has yet to fail me!
I remember being nervous the morning of my wedding and wondering if being nervous was a sign that we shouldn’t get married. Then the thought of not being married to him made me more nervous.
I did good.
The Mailer story reminds me of what Dr. Phil (yes..I watch…sometimes) says to couples in trouble – your past behaviour predicts your future behaviour.
Sara- you are a wise cat. Thanks for sharing a bit of your wisdom. Life has undoubtedly rewarded you for your bravery and insight. Well done. I like the ‘gut knowing us best’. I thought that was indigestion.
Great post again Nancy – that Mailer story is so dead on. As you know, I called off my own wedding nine years ago. I have never EVER regretted that decision – the second the words ‘I can’t do this’ came out of my mouth, I felt a 100 lb weight come off my shoulder. How did I know it wasn’t just cold feet? I could easily picture my life if he wasn’t in it. I knew if I married him, he would adore me (like Mailer), he would be a good father and my life would be okay. But – I knew…he would still use drugs, he would still have issues managing money and we would be two polar opposite people, who loved each other, trying to fit together. Round peg – square hole. As the date approached, I tried to imagine my life with him two, five, ten, twenty years from then – I didn’t see what I wanted OR what he would want. So I made the choice to get out. WHEW. Go with your gut – it knows you best!