We were on a road trip in Oregon over the holidays and decided to drive along the coast on the way to meet our friends in Bend. We stopped in this little town and went to a bar. The place was filled w/ old folks – 70’s was the median age I think – and they were GETTING DOWN to the live jazz band in a way that I’ve never gotten down on any dance floor. I was riveted, romanced, idealistic and a bit drunk. Went back to our little hotel and made sweet love. I vaguely remember martinis and a white garter belt. Woke up in the AM and paused to tell J-Dog about a quaint little dream I’d had involving fireflies and one landing on my belly. Then hit the road for a week of yuletide debauchery.
3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was on the pill. That firefly dream rattling in my head. It had to have been that night. M was announcing her arrival even then.
Every wall I have ever built, leaned on, or tore down came crashing down around me while going up in front of me in industrial weight steel. I was NOT AT ALL PREPARED FOR THIS. I had just lost 15 pounds from some weird virus after our Asia trip. I was thin, dammit. I was getting a promotion, and we are heading to Cambodia in what would now be my 8th month of pregnancy.
And the truth behind the wall of bullshit was: I was paralyzed with terror at the thought of being fundamentally responsible for another human being. For the rest of my life.
After spending a decade around homeless families and their kids, I had all the ammo a woman needs to NEVER GIVE BIRTH. I’ve seen every shit situation, every screaming kid, every juvenile probation officer, and every worn out angry frustrated freaked out scared exhausted mom. I wanted no part of that. Not me. Nope. I am cool-i-o, people. Cool-i-o. My motto had always been there was no trouble I could get into that 12 hours and a UHaul couldn’t fix.
Every time I saw a baby I cried. But being the guilt ridden girl I am, I had my mental breakdown while taking prenatal vitamins, while going to birthing class, while finding a doula, while singing to M (I knew she was M from the beginning, it’s weird how such good stuff was mixed up in all the rest), while drinking milk and while not drinking beer. I did everything right, except honor the place I was in and allow myself to feel joy instead of fear.
There were magical moments, but honestly, I had a hell of a time, and all inside my own head. Well, except for the part about testing positive for Down’s Syndrome. That part rocked. Free torment folks. Step right up. And all this meant J-Dog and I had a hell of a time too. He could not stand that I was so unhappy, so governed by fear. He was not used to this, he hadn’t met this girl before. This ungrateful girl who could not see how goddamn lucky she was.
Then I kicked some primal earth mother ASS at the birth.
But afterwards, I struggled some more.
Pt. 3 coming soon.
Being so young when I had my first – I was pretty naive during the pregnancy – it didn’t occur to me how my life would so drastically change. It took me a long time to adjust to motherhood – probably in large part due to the fact that I was still essentially a child. But, I adjusted and becoming a mother so early in life has made me who I am. I can’t help but be grateful for that.
Rockin post, Jen – it brought back lots of great memories:) Oh yeah – I also appreciate the realness of the language – it brings across the fierceness of the message you’re trying to convey – which I can relate to. But, I understand that it might make some uncomfortable. Still – don’t change a thing! You’re a great, down-to-earth writer.
Thanks for your feedback, Chisa. One of the best things about this community is the opportunity for women with different backgrounds, experiences, and communication styles to share openly. We value the real, raw sentiment of Jen L.’s post as well as your sensibilities. Let’s keep up the dialogue!
I to felt the anxieties of first time baby but without all of the cursive language.
I can’t wait to hear next week becaus I felt blissfully happy during my first pregnancy and I too “kicked some primal earth mother ASS at the birth” but I forgot to think about how having a baby would totally ROCK MY WORLD! I was not prepared. I was anxious and lonely and didn’t even recognize myself.
Thanks so much for sharing. Your honesty is so refreshing!
hi when i conceived my first daughter i knew right away i was pregnant with her.i even went to my docs early and told him.and sure enough i was.i was overjoyed,ecstatic.i knew it was a girl.i wasn’t even afraid when i was pregnant with my first-born.i was ready.i wasn’t fearful or anxious or worried or unsure until #4.whole pregnancy fraught with problems.from the get go.didn’t enjoy being pregnant because so worried about her.worried about her weight,leaking amniotic fluid,tests they wanted me to take(no amniocentises for me though no way)gestational diabetes,contactions from like month 5,etc etc.