An article ran in the New York Times today and has since been picked up all over the world. With a headline like One Sperm Donor, 150 Offspring – it’s an attention grabber. Back in May of 2010, I wrote about my feelings about Will and his half-siblings. At the time, I knew of about 20. Since then, Will’s donor has reached his cap (the bank I chose had a limit of 30 reported pregnancies one donor could have), and he’s no longer available as a donor. I’m okay with 30 or so half siblings Will has. It truly doesn’t bother me.
150 though? 150? This is still a possiblity if Will’s donor moves onto another sperm bank. And if he does, we would have no way to track it. I understood this getting into it. It was a risk I was willing to take, and one that I’m still comfortable with.
But what about the guys in this article? The men who were donating in the belief that they would have five to ten donor children? Can you imagine finding out that the sperm bank lied and you have 70 or more children? This DOES bother me.
This needs to be regulated and soon. Very soon. Because if it doesn’t, men will stop donating sperm. Other single women, other couples who need help – it won’t be available. Or the pool to choose from will shrink to the point that the problem just becomes magnified.
In the meantime? So what if Will has 150 half-siblings? Sometimes, what you don’t know can’t hurt you. I will be straight up with Will about his 30 or so half-siblings. I will be honest with him that yes, his donor could have continued at another bank. And when Will is 18, if he chooses to meet his donor, he can ask him and figure it out. And if 15 years from now Will meets his donor, and finds out that yes, indeed he has 150 siblings and they all want to go on a campout to Yosemite National Park? Well if Will wants to go, we will grab our tents and go.
But tomorrow, I’m going to get up. I’m going to wake up the boy and hear what his first line of the day is (today was – ‘Mama did you know there are no pigs in the zoo’). We’re going to eat breakfast, go to daycare and work and then spend the evening giggling and singing inane songs. In other words – I’m not going to worry about it. It does not affect our day-to-day life.
And, I’ll answer the #1 question that I get asked…no, I don’t worry that he will unknowingly hook up romantically with one of his half-siblings. The chances are miniscule and in the times that we’re living in, aren’t there 1,000 other things to lose sleep over?
Being a child of a sperm donor will not define Will. It was a means to an amazing end. And in the end, if his donor did decide to continue to donate at another bank? Who cares! I have Will. I have a family.
thrifty mom – I’m SO with you on egg donation. I don’t understand the restrictions!
Hey Rocklily – I don’t know the name of the book but if you go to choicemoms.org – they have a few on there.
I don’t think the sibling thing is an issue – I really don’t. One thing though (I used a US donor) – donors in the US get paid for donating, not for when someone selects them so they have no reason to lie. Have you checked out the donor sibling registry to see if anyone has extra vials of your donor that they are willing to sell. I know that this is possible.
Sara and Nathalie,
I am a single mom by choice too! I have an 8 month old little boy and honestly … I really hadn’t given his potentially numerous siblings all that much thought … I have been so concerned about raising him to feel whole with me as a single parent and how to tell him, what to tell him and when to tell him about his father – the sibling thing really doesn’t seem like much of an issue to me.
I used a clinic in TO and I have to say I am glad about all the regulations we have in Canada … I would have been scared to use a donor from the states, as they get paid to donate there I figure there is much more incentive to lie. I feel good thinking that my wee mans dad is a super generous guy who out of the goodness of his heart went through an invasive process to give me (and some others I’m sure) a family. My biggest disappointment is that he is no longer part of the program and I have decided that i would like to have one more child …
I would love to know the name of the book/author? I would love to have that book.
Hi Nathalie,
What is the name of the book you have found? We have been trying to find something for our 3 year old son who is now in the stage of talking about daddy.
I love this article. I wish that egg donation in Canada was not so strict. My hubby and I have 3 children (2 bio and 1 international adoption) I understand the difficulties of fertility treatments. I don’t understand why you have to personally know (and know very well) your egg donor. I am under 35, have 3 kids and don’t need my eggs anymore and since it is just like sperm I could help someone have a family but I really don’t want to see them grow up. I’m fine meeting them if they want at 18… you know.
Right on, Sara! I can’t believe that many people ask you that inane question! (Too much “un-Reality TV,” I think!) Will is a gift, and you are a gift to him. So are each of the other children, who are planned for & hoped for with all the love in their parent’s (or parents’) hearts. It is a beautiful thing to enjoy. You are right–too many other things to worry about. You have wonderful morning thoughts and questions to deal with, instead!
Right on, Sara! I cannot believe tons of people ask you that inane question…we are definitely living with too much (un)”reality” TV! Will is a gift…and you are a gift to Will. Whether one or 30 or 150, these children are made because they are planned for and hoped for, with all the love in their parent’s (or parents’) hearts. I too am loving the morning thoughts…what an amazing journey! Too many other things to worry about…enjoy this!!
Hi Nathalie!
So great to hear from you! I did the same – audio files, essays…all so great! And my son as well looks just like his father. Which book do you have? I’d be curious!
I too am a single mom by choice to a wonderful 2-year-old little girl, and she’s the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me!
Sara – I am in the Montreal area, and the fertility clinic I went to was dealing with a Toronto sperm bank, who in turn was dealing with an American bank – so I had over a 100 donors to pick from, with pictures and all. That’s how I can tell she’s the spit image of her father!!! 🙂
I have been told at one point by a psychologist (because it was mandatory before going through the donor process), that later in life my child will be the exception, and she will have to face other people’s judgement, etc. As you well put it, Sara, there are other things to worry about for now, and the way it goes, children with married parents will be the exception, not my daughter. Anyway, I already started to talk to her about her situation (in simple words, of course), so she’ll know where she comes from… I found a cute little book, written by a registered nurse, explaining in kids’ words the way she was conceived… and the donor I chose is an Open ID one, which means that my daughter can get in touch with him when she turns 18…
And for those who are worried about the “hooking up” with a half-sibling… that’s how this nation was built, with cousins getting married, so that does not worry me at all!
While I do believe that regulations should be in place there are 150 children whose parents wouldn’t change a thing… Children are gifts however they come into this world….
Desi and Lori – you rock!
I think we need a happy medium though Erin – because we’re actually too regulated here on sperm donors. Because of it, there are very VERY few options if you want to use a Canadian donor. I had a list of about 20 – with pencil drawings of their features. If we were restricted from heading south..we’d all be choosing from the same small pool – and THEN I’d be worried about the half-sibling hookups. As it is the majority of Canadians get the old sperm UPS’ed from the USA!
Perfect, you are so right. I love how the media tries to grab headlines like that, hmm, not!
I agree that it needs to be regulated. Canada does have some regulation but not enough. Luckily we seem to be doing OK without it, for now. However, we don’t want to follow the ways of our southern neighbours.
Well said. My father was not a sperm donor, but when he returned to Nigeria he did have three wives and (at last count) 15 children. I don’t know them (or him) and doubt I ever will. And, like you, I don’t feel like there was ever anything missing in my life. I don’t think about it often, and it has never cost me sleep. My mum and I were a family for a long time. There was nothing broken about us. Your wee man is so lucky to have you!
You addressed this perfectly. Absolute perfection.
yes, sugar, and your beautiful Family is Not Broken.
I love your attitude and I just love the first line of the day. Please write them down. Soon everything makes sense and that time is lost.
You are so right: you have a family. That is all. (And what a wonderful little guy you have there…)
Great reality check, Sara.
I LOVE this post, Sara! You have your priorities straight. Yes, this should be regulated but in the big picture, you have Will. That’s all that matters.