The Boy and I. For almost 2 years it has been the two of us, and I’m starting to feel really emotional about the idea of having to share my love for The Boy with another. Sounds silly, doesn’t it?
We planned to have Baby #2. We wanted them to be closer in age so that they could be playmates and (I hope) best buddies. But The Boy has also been my best buddy and I’m really scared that having another baby this quickly is going to ruin that.
I’m not sure how having a crying newborn in the house will change The Boy. The lack of time that I will have to hang out with him will change his personality. I’m not sure if his crazy two year old antics will seem as cute to his exhausted mother. Maybe I’ll be too tough on him and expect him to grow up too fast? Maybe I’ll ignore his needs because the new baby will be more helpless then he? While I have no desire to change it now, I can’t help but worry that this new addition will change everything with The Boy, and not for the better.
But even more then this, I worry about having enough love for two kids. I see people with two (or more) kids all the time. They seem like well-adjusted and happy kids and the parents seem to like them both equally…but what if I can’t? You see, I really really really love The Boy. More then I could have ever imagined. And I really really believe he is the best little boy in the world. Will I be able to say that about my second boy? What if I end up loving one of my boys better then the other?
Before I allow my pregnant mind to spiral twenty years down the road when both my kids are in therapy for all the craziness of their mother (ha! they will be anyway, I’m sure), how can you truly love two kids equally? How can you prepare your first child to share your love, time and attention when all they’re used to is you?
PS- yes, I’m about 5 months pregnant in the pic above…I’ll post more belly pics soon, I promise:)
I could have written that about 3 years ago…totally had the same fears. Now, I can’t imagine not having them both. The love multiplies, they both get more attention (they have a built in playmate), and when I look at only children, I truly feel sort of bad for them…I mean, everyone has to make their own choices, and their choice is what’s best for them, but only children seem so lonely compared to my happy, well adjusted boys. You’ll be ok.
Melissa! I LOVE your comment – it’s so honest and so true!
I’m going to say something shocking here – I don’t love my children equally, that just isn’t possible as they are different little people. The sun will rises and sets on both of them, I love each of them more than I ever thought was possible, and I would give my life for either of them in a heartbeat, but I love each of them in a different and completely non-quantifiable way. They each have their own little personalities and their own separate bond with me, we express our affection for each other differently. They are two special, unique, wonderful little people.
I am so glad I had a second child, seeing these two little people that I love so very much play with each other, bond, and love each other is just priceless. It is not without sacrifice and mistakes however. In hindsight I think I expected my daughter to be more “grown-up” than she was when my son was born, and there were many sweet, quiet baby moments that I missed out on because I had two kids to look after, but I’m only human and I feel I do the best I can most days.
I am an only child, and I know that the gift of a sibling more than makes up for the exhausted bumblings of a new Mom-to-two. Just do the best you can for your kids, and go easy on yourself. It is a hard road the second time around, but more than worth every moment.
The way it was best described to me is “Your love does not divide – it only multiplies”. I would like to think that is true.
I actually had this very thought today and was debating with myself when to try for another baby. I actually realised that it seems very selfish of me to wait to have another child for the simple reason that I’m enjoying my time with my first soooo much that I want to last a little longer. I also can’t imagine my/our life with another little one.
I believe (although I have the same feelings as you) that it will only enrich our first child’s life to have a little brother or sister.
Good luck!
So glad you posted on this topic. This is something I’ve said over and over to my husband throughout this whole pregnancy. I’m looking forward to getting in on “knowing” that it is possible to have the same amount of affection for two children.
I felt the same way … I remember dropping off my first born with a friend while I was in labour and as I watched him walk away I could not believe how guilty I felt ! It was crazy. Your love just grows. You will love both equally. You may not like both kids equally at all times, but you will love them equally.
It is nothing to think about, it is nothing you can change. You are a mother and that comes with the job. It takes no effort. It is just love and when it comes to your kids, it will be everywhere and in great abundance.
I found out that I was pregnant on my son’s first birthday. Although I desperately wanted to get pregnant again I was kinda sad too. Feeling all those things that you are. I never went back to work after I had him because I could not imagine anyone else having a hand in raising him. I could not leave him. That is how much I love that boy. When his sister was born he was 20 months and loved her as much as we did. It was crazy having them so close together but also very glad because they are very good friends now and always have been. They are now 9 and almost 8. I found it so much easier with the second as far as being comfortable with a baby. Everything was just so natural. I do think that I have a special bond with my son because he was my first baby, but boy do I love my little girl and I really can’t choose a favourite… Unless she’s screaming 😉
Our bodies must be releasing the same hormones at the same time because every time you post, the topic is something I was recently thinking about! Like today I was thinking I need to make the most of this time because soon it won’t be just me and my buddy. I wondered about equal love too. I bet it’ll be the same amount of affection but different fondness for each.
Just as you never imagined being able to love the Boy as much as you do now, I can almost guarantee that you will be able to freely love the second and third and so on 🙂 it’s the funny thing about being a mom…your heart is able to become more capable to love (just like your belly is able to magically expand). Just the fact that you think about & worry about the things you think & worry about is a clear sign that all will be well for you, the Boy & the one to come….
Love, like a candle flame, loses nothing by being shared. It only grows.
I thought the same way you did when I was pregnant with my little boy. I even worried that, because I had had a girl first, would I know how to love a boy…how would my feelings for a boy be different…and they are so different…but so the same. The love for him just happened, the same way it did for my little girl. And yes, you will likely feel more protective of your “little” boy and have suddenly higher expectations of your “big” boy, but those feelings will even themselves out as you go. And then you’ll wonder how you ever thought you might not have enough love for two.
I’m dreaming of number three now (not pregnant, just wishing), and I can tell you that, even though I know a third would get as much love as the first two, I feel the same way that I did when we were contemplating number two…would I have enough love? I guess mothers always worry about these things. You’ll be fine. 🙂
I think I will have no trouble heeding your advice on skipping the third child Amy:) But I’m happy to know that it was pretty easy to go from one to two! Hey, I already have the clothes and toys, right?
it is a great gift to give boy #1 a playmate. You will be great and there will be more love than can be imagined!
Oh Sarah,
Take it from a mom of twins, there is plenty of love in you, it is limitless as Julie said. And, yes you may sometimes be impatient, because you are human, and we are all sometimes impatient. However, you will find your way, and so will the boy.
It just works out. The 2nd child is easy. So much easier a transition than from 0 kids to 1 kid. It’s easy to have two, fun, easy. You’ll love it and will do great. And your love and time and feelings, they simply ARE and simply work. I promise. But then stop, lol, don’t have a 3rd, don’t be tricked! Because #3 is quite a different matter 🙂 Love, amy mom to 3 beautiful boys
We all do… 😉
Tracy, fretting is what I do when I’m pregnant. I swear I lose the rational part of my brain:)
Your comment is so reassuring Desi. So reassuring.
I like what Julie said…love is limitless & you will be fine!
I can honestly say that I love you and your sister equally the same. You are two very different people.
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised how everything will fall into place:)
I agree with Julie – it just happens, so don’t worry about it. It seems impossible – I know!! But it just does. And they’ll be different – you will love them the same but differently, if that makes any sense. You’ll see. Don’t fret!!
Can’t wait to see more belly pics!!
love is limitless…you’ll be fine!
My kids are 26 months apart. Like you, we wanted our kids to be as close in age as possible so that they will be able to take on the world together and be best friends. We talked to my daughter often and honestly about the baby coming, included her in all of the shopping and preparation, got her dolls and nursery toys so she could play mommy, showed her the ultrasound video as many times as she wanted to watch it, named her brother as soon as we knew his gender, encouraged her to feel my tummy when the baby was moving, decided not to move her out of her bedroom into the larger room, and answered all of her thousand or so questions as honestly and simply as possible.
After my son was born, my daughter had about two weeks’ worth of potty regression, and took her time getting to know him at safe distance. My son had colic. His volume and stamina frightened me, too.
I was less patient with her. I actually shouted at her for the first time ever when my son was three weeks old. She was more demanding of physical attention – more cuddles, more lap-time stories, more refusal of Daddy’s help with much of anything. But, as much as she loved her daycare, she was so happy and relieved to have me home with her. She seemed to understand implicitly that even though her brother yelled all the time, he belonged to all of us, and accepted it with more grace than either of her parents could manage.
As for the love part, I can’t explain it – there shouldn’t be room to love any child as much as I loved my daughter – but there really, really is. My kids will soon be 5 and 3. They’re already good friends, even when they drive each other crazy. Making sure they each got enough love and enough time really just happened on its own. And when they need more of me? Boy, do they let me know!
oh dude. I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. I even wondered if I could love my own baby as much as my nephew but your heart will expand and you’ll fit them both in. You’ll love them for different reasons – and truth be told, at times you’ll probably like one more than the other (and anyone who says they don’t…..) but you’ll love them both like crazy. I love that picture!