To say my life is a mangy mess of highs and lows would be an understatement.
Take the last 3 days for example…
On Monday Cuyler asked to get his haircut after school.
Oh Um. Okay. Haircuts are not his favourite thing but he asked. And he needed one so I took him. I went to 3 walk-in places before I found a woman to cut his hair – he won’t let men do it. He hopped into her chair and she started buzzing. For the first time ever he sat, unmoving in the chair smiling, self affirming “I’m doing so great!” “I’m so brave!” “Look at I’m handsome!”
Oh Um. Okay. Haircuts are not his favourite thing but he asked. And he needed one so I took him. I went to 3 walk-in places before I found a woman to cut his hair – he won’t let men do it. He hopped into her chair and she started buzzing. For the first time ever he sat, unmoving in the chair smiling, self affirming “I’m doing so great!” “I’m so brave!” “Look at I’m handsome!”
My cheeks were numb from smiling so hard. HIGH
After the haircut he asked to go to Zellers for a toy. I told him I was so proud if him and that he could get a new zhu zhu pet. I made him look at my eyes and told him “NO Lego. NO Toy Story.” I made him repeat it.
He bolted right to the $60.00 Toy Story 3 Talking Mr. Potato Head. The answer was no and I couldn’t budge on that. He clutched it, started to whine and started walking away from me.
My heart sunk and I knew what was to come.
Suffice to say it was the most horrifying and humiliating autism/mall experience of my life. I dropped him off at the arena with Sean, still kicking and screaming and went home and cried for 3 hours. LOW
All I could think of how the f**k am I going to get him to the dentist tomorrow morning?
Suffice to say it was the most horrifying and humiliating autism/mall experience of my life. I dropped him off at the arena with Sean, still kicking and screaming and went home and cried for 3 hours. LOW
All I could think of how the f**k am I going to get him to the dentist tomorrow morning?
There was no way Sean could get off work so I had no choice. I had to take him.
He resisted all morning, but I got him there and when his name was called he bounded in.
During his previous visits, he would sit on a therapy that one of the pregnant hygienists would use. He was more comfortable on it, but we decided that he needed to get into the chair for a better check up. He hopped in the chair and asked if it was broken. We told him yes – the chair is broken. He did not want it to move. Then this happened:
“I’m ready Mom!”
Then she cleaned his teeth.
Then she polished his teeth
And then the big one. THE BIG ONE. She got x-rays! X-RAYS!
I hate having x-rays taken. They hurt my tongue and make me gag. But my boy – the one with the gamut of sensory issues handled it like a champ. Proud? Hell yes. HIGH
I took Cuyler to school and was riding the high that his dentist visit gave me until PooF! It was pulled from under me when his SERT (Spec Ed Resource Teacher) told me she was leaving. I cried. She’s been fantastic and supportive and she’s compassionate and does everything she possibly can to ensure that Cuyler grows and develops to his full potential. We are a family who does/did not do any type of ABA/IBI (behaviour therapy) which is the only board and ministry recognized type of remediation for kids with autism. It’s very frustrating, but this SERT has respected everything we’ve done with Cuyler and she’s been a true ally in our journey. She is one of a kind and I believe she sets the standard for what a SERT should be. It’s hard enough dealing with the everyday emotional issues that come with living with autism. Now one of the people on our team who was making it a little bit easier won’t be there for us. LOW
And that’s what I mean by highs and lows. That seems to be everyday. Just a cycle of ups and downs. These are just the big ones. I won’t bore you with all the small highs and lows that we deal with all day long. They exhaust me and would just make you glad you’re not me (although you probably already are).
I said yesterday that I’d like a bit of mediocrity in my life. And a friend replied “Mediocre is for wimps, not supermoms like you”
I said yesterday that I’d like a bit of mediocrity in my life. And a friend replied “Mediocre is for wimps, not supermoms like you”
I just want to be a wimp for a few days. A week – that’d be nice.
Haven’t I earned it? Just mediocre. Ordinary. No highs. No lows. Nothing.
Is that a lot to ask?
🙁
Oh Christine,
I can’t even imagine how exhausting your world is. I’m amazed at your strength. However, I do think you deserve some medicrity….so how to do it. Maybe a weekend getaway?
To, ummmm, Temagami (lol – just kidding).
Maybe a spa?
Christine, I hope the highs feel even better as you weather the lows. And I hope for a little “in between” for you in the next little while.
dude….those dentist pictures! Go CUY!!!! I’m with you – I can’t do xrays…or polishing either for godsakes. So happy for him and you.
So sorry about the other lows…and all of them. I agree with Laurie on her comments…right down to the amazing and loving you parts…
Bloody high’s and low’s. I can relate Christine – I know it doesn’t seem believable, and it’s on a much different level, but man – can I relate. I’m not Bipolar, but my sure as sh*t is!
PS – I’m afraid of the Toy Department. You are brave for even attempting that.
Ryder – “Daddy, are we in Walmart?”
Terry – “No – we’re in Zellers”
Ryder – “Does Zellers have a Toy Deprartment?”
Terry – “Uhh. I don’t think so bud…”.
That’s not bad is it????
High five to Cuyler on the dentist and haircut! Way to go, buddy!
I hate when someone on the team has to leave. Logan’s speech therapist quit a month or two ago to spend more time with her own kids. I’m still not quite over it yet. He has a new speech therapist, and she’s ok, but there was something special about the bond he had with the old one. She was an autism specialist as well, so she really “got” Logan. We can’t find another speech therapist like that here, because she is the only one. Sigh.
Just keep swimming.
Nope, not a lot to ask at all. We all experience our highs and lows at varying degrees, and we all want some mediocrity in our lives. HUGS to you.
You are amazing Christine! I pray that the highs outweigh the lows each day! Take a breath and realize he’s Cuyler and not like any other child! He’s your Cuyler and God has given him to you for a reason!
You are amazing! LOVE YOU!
Laurie