I was all set to write a post tonight about Will and his new found ‘teenage’ness. (Yesterday he walked into the house, threw up his arms and yelled, ‘where are my freaking toys!!!’) God help me…he’s only two and a half!!!
But tonight he stumped me and it just seemed fitting given some news I’ve had over the last couple weeks. Over these past fourteen days, I’ve found out that two old friends who I’m not in touch with anymore had lost their parents and that two new friends have parents fighting unwinable fights with cancer. All of this can’t help but make me think of my own mom. Could Will be picking up on this?
I have a few pictures of my mom scattered around our house. When Will and I look at the pictures, I say, ‘this is mommy’s mommy.’ Will will never know my mom as his grandma. Diana is his grandma and to try and explain anything else seems too confusing.
Tonight while we were eating dinner, he turned around and pointed at my mom’s picture and said in his happy yell, ‘THAT’S YOUR MOMMY!!’. ‘Mommy, whaaaaaat your mommy do now?’ Simple question? Nope. He stumped me. I just sort of sat there for a minute and then I said, ‘She looks after us. That’s her job.’ Then he says, ‘Where is her?’ Dude! I seriously thought I had a few years before I had to deal with these questions!!!!
And I said it, ‘You can’t see her. She’s in heaven.’ Ugh. I hadn’t planned on that answer. I’m just not religious. I had always planned on coming up with a logical way to explain that she’s not here anymore, period, but without freaking him out about death.
But ‘heaven’ came out of my mouth. So heaven, it will be until he’s older and we can have an icy cold beer and I can tell him what MY thoughts on the subject are and he can tell me what HIS thoughts are on the same. I look forward to that debate.
Oh and after that convo, we went for ice cream at Sweet Olenka’s….Will got sprinkles and I thought about my friends new and old and the pain that they’re in. If I can send them any advice…it would be that you will be happy again. (Even something as simple as a new bear hat can make you smile!!!) And that while it would be a billion times better to have them here, it’s sort of comforting to think someone is looking after you.
If you’ve lost a parent, what do you tell your kids when they ask where they are? Are you true to your beliefs or do you go with simpler answer?
I’ve always told my boys that their grandparents are in their hearts, and are watching over them. They talk about heaven a lot and I am fine with that because I have to believe there is something more to us than just worm food.
My relationship with my mother now 7 years after her death continues to grow. I dream of her. I feel her presence at times. I see how my hands look like hers, how my meals taste like hers. My kids know it is sad to not see her anymore, some of my kids didn’t meet her, but I talk of her openly so they know she still exists in many ways, she still shapes who I am.
What a beautiful visual Amreen. I plan on taking Will to the cemetery (well he’s been but he won’t remember). I think it’s a good place to establish that division. Will’s middle name is actually the name of the town ‘Sutton’ where my mom is buried in Quebec.
I lost my mom ten years ago and it was devastating. i still cry for her frequently and my kids picked up on my sadness early on – it was hard to shield those feelings for them. I have told them that she’s in heaven, and they are curious about what that’s like. It’s a hard thing, and i don’t have all the answers. My oldest turned 8 this year and I took him with me to Halifax this January to visit her grave. I was worried about what his reaction would be, but it was in fact a very peaceful and bonding experience for us. We sat quietly in a desolate rural cemetery on a sunny January afternoon. My son accepted what I explained to him about the division of soul and body at death, and didn’t seem saddened by it – but enlightened. What i’ve continually realised is that they (the kids) can handle more than we think they can.
I tell them what I believe because it feels like lying not to, and I am uncomfortable using something that I don’t believe in. At the same time, I do think it’s important to point out that other people believe there is something more so that they don’t react badly when they encounter that – while I am not religious myself, I think it is very important to respect other people’s deeply held convictions, so my discussions on this sort of thing tend to be loooong. My poor kid.
I guess Dil and I are going to have to think about how we’ll explain it. It hasn’t come up yet but I’m sure it will soon enough. I don’t think I’ll go the heaven route but like you, I don’t know what’s going to come out of my mouth. At this point, Marc seems to focus on pictures of the people he knows but he’ll soon wonder who the others are.
I often think about how much my dad would have LOVED my kids and it makes me feel sad that they won’t ever know either of their grand fathers. I think I might also explain that they are taking care of us…that’s what my dad said he would do and like you, I still feel some sort of connection.
It’s a tough question here too… we just lost our dog, but I didn’t say anything about heaven or about afterlife. There haven’t been any specific questions asked yet, but I’ve mentioned that the body is just the part that holds the essence or the spirit of a person, and that bodies wear out – eventually we just don’t need that part anymore. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
I try to answer exactly what was asked, as truthfully as I possibly can, and then wait and see what might come next. With the dog, when Oliver asked, I said his body was sent to a crematorium. He didn’t ask me what that was (PHEW!) so I didn’t continue. He’ll ask me about that soon though, I just know it. Don’t wanna traumatize him, but I’m not gonna lie either.
Le sigh. Being a grown-up is hard when you don’t have all the answers, huh?
Craig – I’m TOTALLY on the worm food page with you – and I never bring up god or anything like that – but I do feel this spiritual thing that the person is still there. I sound like a nutter here but one day I was at my granny’s and I stayed for hours (which trust me was a challenge) because I could feel my mother there – I can’t explain it. So I sort of like the idea of it.
Sara, that is such a toughie. I was soooo tempted to say heaven. I didn’t but I’m not sure my answer of “everyone dies eventually but we won’t until we’re old” was a good one. I’m not really sure how to deal with it, but I do know that our society doesn’t deal well. At all. They can’t really understand death yet, so it’s really hard to figure out what to say.
I told Jack that my dad, his granddad was in heaven. Course that’s kinda what I believe anyways (wherever that heaven place is). His grandma just died and I said the same thing – his answer – “it’s ok, we’ll see her tomorrow”. Course with Granddad there was a lot of where’s heaven, what’s he doing (looking out for us). He also told me that grandad was going to drive the car one day and I should sit in the back – I told him to tell grandad to sit in the back cause mommy was driving. 🙂 ** it was grandads car though!**
I’ve told my kids that my grandparents are Angels and there’s a special park that we can go to remember them BUT we can talk to them anytime and they are always watching over us. When we moved into our house we lost our neighbours after two years and the died 5 months apart – my oldest at the time was 3 and he saw all the ambulance out front – I couldn’t lie cause I was bawling my eyes out…and I was home alone with my two oldest and 6 months pregnant and totally hormonal… thought I could keep it together but I just couldn’t lie…
I would have to tell them the truth- worm food… I would just say that they were dead and figure out some sort of analogy. I could not and would not pull out the god or heaven card. It makes it easier later. I understand the panic and the answer that you had… I don’t have any kids but I am pretty sure of my answer…