Flirting With Eating Disorders

This morning I woke up in agony.

The pain from the headache actually woke me up from sleep. And it was one of those near-migraine skull pounders that throbs with every breath you take, where even the thud of your own life-giving heartbeat brings a fresh explosion of pain. With each throb I thought my eyeballs might explode. The pain actually made me nauseous.

Eventually I was able to get myself to the bathroom (3 steps away) for two Advil (couldn’t find the Aleve, damn it!). After about another hour of restless sleep, that took the edge off enough for me to stumble downstairs to the secondary medicine cabinet where I consumed the last 2 Tylenol ULTRA RELIEF. Within another half hour, I felt like a human being again.

When I was getting ready for breakfast, I asked my husband if he wanted an Isagenix shake with me. He said, "no, I’m cleansing today."

ME: Oh, okay, great idea! I’ll cleanse too!

HIM: No. You won’t. When was the last time you ate a real meal? Why do you think you have such a bad headache? You’re going to eat something. You’re one step away from bulimia. Drink that shake now.

Sheepishly I made the shake. And ate a hearty avocado-tomato-arugula-spinach salad for lunch, liberally dressed with olive oil & balsamic vinegar.

Because my husband is right. I have been cleansing (the days in the Isagenix program where you eat no food but drink a natural, gentle cleansing drink and take nutritional supplements) waaaay too much lately. Much more than the recommended two days at a time with at least 5 days of healthy eating (of actual food, that is) in between.

This morning I realized that I’ve spent the last weeks treating Isagenix as a binge-and-purge system. We’ve had out-of-town visitors here, and they kindly took us out for several meals, in a "less work for you" spirit. Which is true, I guess, except it is pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to find food that is nutritionally decent at a restaurant. It really is. You either get two whole chicken breasts (which is about 3X more than any one adult needs) and 1/2 cup of vegetables or else everything is fried or covered in a creamy dressing. Restaurants are horribly unhealthy: from the portion size to the ingredients to the method of cooking. And when you have 2 kids to consider, you end up at places like Boston Pizza or -gasp- Denny’s.

Of course I could’ve said no. But I didn’t. Probably part of me was grateful not to have to cook and clean up for 2 extra adults. Probably part of me wanted bad old restaurant food.

So what did I do? I binged on eating out, and made up for it by cleansing. For days.

And I think I just hit the wall this morning. And it scared me. It’s just that it was so easy to slip into it – and let me point out here that this is IN NO WAY THE RECOMMENDED METHOD for following the Isagenix program. The real program is actually VERY healthy and encourages mild, periodic cleansing interspersed with periods of very healthy, well-balanced meals, focusing on fresh, raw vegetables, lean meats, essential oils and whole grains.

It’s just that, once you do it a few times, cleansing actually feels good. You don’t get the hungry feeling anymore. You lose your cravings – you feel free of that constant. hellish. hold. that food has over your mind. You’re like an empty vessel. And it’s a bit addicting, that feeling is. But the fact that I didn’t even notice myself using cleansing as a
do-over for the restaurant meals, or that I didn’t see the cycle of
binge-purge-binge-purge developing is spooky.

On the other hand, it’s good to know I’ve got someone who cares enough to be looking out for me!

Thanks Hubster.