Lately, I have been reading a lot about a dirty little secret. A theory that deep down all moms want to be at home with their children. That moms secretly feel guilty and that children secretly harbor resentment when moms work. I will grant you this, most women likely wish they had more choice. I know, many of you are going to say "almost everyone has a choice if they are willing to change their lifestyle". But let’s get real. Most people wouldn’t sell their home or move out of their neighbourhood where they have established a relationship with their community. They wouldn’t give up friends or summer camps and sports teams for their kids. I mean a real choice. A choice that doesn’t compromise the familiar and take us outside of our comfort zones.
A real choice would mean finding a solution that is customized to your family’s needs. I don’t see a backlash from women choosing to give up their careers and stay at home, what I see is a movement, a trend toward something much bigger and far more positive than many critics will acknowledge. Most women I know would choose to work, at least some of the time. This varies depending on the woman, the age of her kids, and her love for what she does. This is where the movement begins.
In the ’80s, women wanted it all. It didn’t take us long to figure out that having it all – all of the time – was a fantasy. In the ’90s, women looked to their employers and to the government to help. Once again, despite small gestures from both, "balance" was a personal thing and this didn’t quite cut it either. Now, today, women are looking inward. The moms I know are making their own way, creating their own solutions – flexible consulting, home-based businesses,"mompreneurs". All trends born out of a need to customize, to find balance without giving up too much on either side.
In a recent urbanmoms.ca survey (full results will be shared next week) we see women turning to each other for ideas and inspiration. We find the majority of moms see themselves as individuals as much as they are moms. We see today’s mom confident in her ability to figure it out for herself. Despite the trend toward fear mongering and blame in the media and popular literature, we see mom taking it all in, but opting out of the guilt trip.
Unlike the book To Hell with All That: Fearing and Loathing Our Inner Housewife by journalist Caitlin Flanagan which claims that "when a mother works, something is lost", at urbanmoms.ca we see women confident in their decisions. We see women considering their family’s needs and their own and accepting the fact that no matter what, it will never be perfect. We see women taking the lessons learned from previous generations, from their own mothers, and from their own experiences and confidently finding a solution, a "balance", that works and not beating themselves up but embracing the beautiful chaos this life has to offer.
So, if you haven’t already, join the movement. Don’t fall victim to these supposed experts’ blame game. Instead of focusing on how it could be better, celebrate all the ways it is already great and make changes where you can. Take the bull by the horns, and find your own way. We’ll be right there with you!
Jen
Please share your comments below or email me at jen@urbanmoms.ca.
No secret here, I’d love to stay home. No way to though. We don’t have satellite or cable, don’t do fast food or eat out, don’t go to movies. One vehicle. And we still barely make all the bills. Low wages, high living expenses. :/ But I’ll do my best to be content where I’m at, and blessed that my kids are happy, whole and healthy.
Hi Jen – It’s amazing to me that I’ve seen a movement for moms who are working and making money on unconventional ways. It seems that many are making changes and making their own work — alot of the time with new computer technology and working at night, on the computer to stay home