I’ve been feeling really sad lately. Not depressed, just sad. Sad because I’m beginning to really see (or acknowledge?) a significant difference in the relationships I have with two or three of my single friends. There has been a distance with most of them that has been growing wider and wider since I got pregnant with #2.
It’s not all my single friends (because I’ve got some amazing ones that love The Boy and are so excited for Baby #2). But there are a few who, despite all our best efforts, just don’t “get” my life. And I guess I don’t “get” theirs either. I mean, let’s face it, there’s a huge difference between the life of a single, downtown living 30 year old and a 30 year old urban/suburban wife and mom of (almost) two kids. I am starting to see that we have very little common ground and our exchanges rely on past events, during my pre-kids days, or slightly tense exchanges about our lives. Apparently hearing about The Boy’s new words or how much this baby is kicking isn’t exciting to them. Just like their latest on-again/off-again romance isn’t that applicable to me.
Probably the biggest divide in our relationship, though, is time. I don’t have enough of it for
them. And when I do, I don’t think I’m fun anymore, at least not the kind of fun I was in my pre-kid days. Sure, I love to hang out and have dinner and talk, but the kind of fun they want to have usually involves going out to clubs that I’m just not interested in because a) I feel too old and b) I’m the PREGNANT chick in a club. Couple that with the fact that I can’t stay up past 11pm and I need mega advance warning to hire a babysitter or make sure hubs will be home and I just don’t seem to be as attractive a date as I used to be. As one friend put it, “Why would we keep asking you out when you’re never available? It seems desperate at some point.”. Ouch.
So that’s where I stand. In this weird abyss of friendship where I don’t want to let go of old relationships that have been so important in my life, but I see them slipping away to the point that I don’t know how we’ll stay in touch, much past the occasional email or Facebook message.
Have any of you ever faced a crossroads in friendships? Did becoming a mother change your relationships with single/non-parental friends? How do you continue to relate to the single friends in your life?
Sarah I feel for you. I actually was always on the other end until I had my daughter. (Older mom here) and my husband and I were actually the ones trying hard to keep our friendships alive with our friends w/kids. Then we finally became parents and they had reached a new stage with their tween/teen children. Now we were the one’s unable to go out as much and needed lots of notice to work out babysitting. I found that they actually are now way less tolerant and half the time don’t even bother asking if we want to go out, they assume we cannot. I kinda feel like our friendships with these couples have become strained because of this. Sometimes I am not sure it is worth the heartache.
Oh, yes. My pre-baby friends sort of drifted away for a couple of years, which was hard (read: excruciating, lonely, infuriating, confusing… I could go on.) And then, when my son had colic, I had to find a group of mums for support. Evidently, there is a huge difference between being awake for 24 hours to go clubbing, and being awake for 24 hours due to the Wee One Who Will Not Sleep. Anyway, we got through it. My dearest old friends are still that, and are far more comfortable around my kids now that they don’t excrete or eject anything without warning. My newer mum friends are my lifeline, my sanity, and the reason I survived colic with my mind (more or less) intact. I hope your friends find the joy in your crazy new life sooner, rather than later.
Aw, lady… I think it’s just like that for everyone. Stage Of Life. You might find you’ll just naturally glom onto other people who are in the same life stage as you are… friendships can be fluid though – you might find yourself back in the fold with some of your old pals when your babies aren’t babies anymore… you won’t know until time has ebbed whether or not they’re “lifers” but if they mean that much, do your best to stay in touch. None of these changes are easy.
Le sigh. Le sads for you, ma belle… everything will be okay though.
Hugs Sarah. I think this is especially true when your kids are young. I remember that most of my thoughts resolved around my kids and parenting. Now that the girls are a little bit older (4 – so not that old) I find that the rest of my brain has returned and I think about lots of other things too. I try to make time to see friends without the kids (and with). It will get better. If a person is a true friend, she would understand why you are not available and would wait until you had more time. She would come and see you occasionally and be interested in your life (to a point…it does get boring always hearing about potty training and feeding schedules). I guess I’m trying to say that we all go through different stages in our lives and a true friend will weather all the stages, even if it means you don’t see a lot of each other for awhile. One of my best friends hasn’t lived in Canada since we were 18 and I see her every 3 years or so but we remain good friends. Others come and go.
yes have very certainly felt this and I think I did a bad job of relating to single friends when i became a mom. It enveloped me and it was life altering and I forgot everything else, truly. I wish I had been better at keeping in touch with them.
I totally get that.
And when you throw a special needs kid into the mix it make it worse. People stop calling because they don’t get my life and don’t want to try. Some people – I stopped calling. My life can be overwhelming. My child can be. I don’t have alot in common with many of the people I used to be close with. It’s like our friendship met a fork in the road and I went down one path and they went down another. I wanted to go down their path but just wasn’t meant to…It’s hard to relate to some people now. And that makes me sad.
But the friends I do have more than make up for the ones no longer around.
There’s a reason why they stayed.
a hug from me too Sarah because it is sad. I do think that the best relationships can survive it – it’s very altered but they can and then life can have a way of bringing you back together. I think that any life change can ‘rewrite your phone book’. I lost a ton of friends when my mom was sick, it let me realize who was in it for the long haul and who wasn’t. And my life is better for it. Your true, true friends are the ones excited for the kicking. I have a very very close friend who is going through infertility and she could not be a more supportive, loving friend – even when I got pregnant the first try and complain away about how hard it is – when all she wants is to experience it. It is very sad but in the long run, you’ll use your minimal spare time to be the friends closest to you.
This resonates with me, except it’s with specific friends in general. It’s hard to see a friendship drift and the sting of finding out info through the newsfeed between two fb friends instead of being told directly hurts. I have always been told that some friendships are only for a season. Still, it’s hard to see them unravel.
HUGS
Not a parenting relationship, but when I got married, it completely changed the relationship between myself and my best friend at the time. She pushed away, and I think it was because suddenly I wasn’t just me, it was me and hubby. Although she had a boyfriend, it wasn’t serious, and I think she felt she couldn’t relate.
When I became a mother, we had moved the year prior, and I didn’t know anyone in the area. I had lost touch with friends from high school and college at that point. I was able to meet new friends, those who had just had their first child also. I cherish those friendships immensely.
I have been going through the EXACT same thing!! Its been a difficult couple of years for me, because my single friends cant understand why I’m unable to do the same things as before I got pregnant. I think THEY are hurt because they dont understand, and I get hurt because I wish they could understand 🙂
Unfortunately its a situation where life moves forward and sometimes friendships grow apart. Maybe one day when they have families of their own things will change. For now the occasional hello will have to do.