I have always been of the thought that if both parents could equally share in working outside of the home and raising their children, the world would be a very different place.
That being said, I find myself in a marriage where both my husband and I have assumed very traditional roles (I stay home, do all the cooking and cleaning and child-minding while he works outside of the home, tends to all mechanical/outdoor chores and runs the apple orchard) out of necessity. At times we have both felt very alone, trapped in separate spheres, wishing for the other to come and lend a hand as we felt overwhelmed by the weight of our respective responsibilities. We are very open in our communication and are always quick to talk about areas of the division of labour where we feel dissatisfied or troubled, but sometimes a solution is mighty hard to find. And once we’ve both been in these roles for years, it can be hard to break free of them, even if the opportunity presents itself.
A blog I frequent mentioned the book Equally Shared Parenting and it really captured my attention.
The blog author, Eric, writes:
“Baby is on its way and already the questions have begun: How are we going to be the best parents ever? In Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents, Marc and Amy Vachon walk you through what worked for them: equally shared parenting (ESP). They highlight what they call the “purposeful practice of two parents sharing equally in the four domains of childraising, breadwinning, housework, and time for self” Does it sound amazing but impossible? They beg to differ.
What does it mean for new parents faced with the first load of diapers and a potentially colicky child who won’t sleep, eat or stop crying? It begins with being dedicated to raising your children as a team of equals. For mothers it means relinquishing the societal right to be your child’s most important parent and for fathers it means being available and learning how to be a competent parent alongside your spouse.”
We are nowhere near to living its model, but both my husband and I intrigued to know more about the philosophy. And with my going back to work this spring, it might become a reality more quickly than we think.
How do you divide work, domestic duties, and child-rearing? Do you feel as though your spouse is an equal partner in these endeavors? I’d love to know if anyone has read Equally Shared Parenting and what their thoughts are on it!
When i was on mat leave for my sons first year it was very traditional and it was a heavenly time and we had an almost perfect marriage – i watch baby, did outside chores, took care of finances, cook, clean ( i had the cleanest house on the block) while hubby worked fulltime…
now i work night shifts and my hubby works days so we each watch the baby when the other is not working ….
however my husband still expects me to do EVERYTHING .. i make more an hour than him but i work 6 hours a day and he works 10 hours a day so we are starting to argue about it … on our days off work: i ask for some help from him to watch our baby so i can clean or else for him to help me clean and he always comes back at me with you work less hours than me so i need to relax….. its so upsetting … i really really miss not working … why should i work night shifts and be in charge of 100% of the housework and cooking just because i work a few hours less a day than my husband, seriously if he comes home from work and the house isnt clean he gets upset with me and says:( “you only work 6 hour shifts at work and I work 10 hours its your responsibilty”) I have heard that saying from him probably a million times by now and its starting to drive me nuts!…… well thats my rant for the day lol
I can’t really comment…being a single mom…but Christine – I love the 100%/100% thing – sounds amazing. I like the whole ESP thing – it sounds fair to me frankly (and a bit dreamy).
My husband and I settled into rather traditional roles, but he’s as capable and as plugged into our life with children as I am. It’s only because of his long hours spent working that the lions-share had fallen to me – he’s gone for the day at 7 AM, and often gets home around 7 PM. He’s worked hours like this since I’ve known him though, so we’re all used to it. He gets up at night. He can cook, clean, and tend to children. When I leave the house to him, I come back to it in better condition than when I left – which is AWESOME! – but the crux is, it’s not a lot of the time. That’s just the way the days go though. He’d be here more if he could.
I think the 50-50 goal can be easier to achieve if both parties work the same amount of hours outside of the house – everything else can be cleaved down the middle once everyone gets home for the day. At least in theory.
This is a touchy subject for me because I am the breadwinner and do most of the housework (although that is changing a bit as I draw closer to a nervous breakdown).
The reasons for this reside in DHs utter lack of organization skills. Sometimes I wonder if he has ADD, truly. He works all day in his shop but gets little done. When he is home and he makes dinner (which he usually starts too late) he loses track of the twins and they destroy the house.
He is a good dad and spends lots of time with the kids, but they still want mommy when I’m around (maybe because I’m not around as much anymore).
So, what to do? I would love to have equally shared parenting and living but it hasn’t worked out that way. No matter how often we discuss it, it never improves enough to lighten my load.
I don’t have any numbers handy, but I keep reading things that suggest that even in household where women work full time, they also do the majority of the child-rearing and housework.
I’m beginning to think it’s true, from what I’ve seen with couples we know.
Hmm… It’s funny because we seem to have settled into rather traditional roles around our place too. I mean traditional in the sense that he is working while I stay home with the girls. Of course, before children we both went through times when one was the major bread earner and the other was the poor student (except for when we were both poor students) and for a while there I was making most of the money. Now that he is done school there is no way I will ever make as much as him so it seems natural that I should stay home. But there are other factors at play – like who (between the two of us) is more equipped for certain roles. I think the first year is always a challenge for equal parenting too – I couldn’t pump at all with my first child and now I can but it still takes me a week of pumping once or twice a day to have enough milk to leave the house for an afternoon without the baby. And he doesn’t have boobs. I’m also the one who is able to cope on less sleep so I get up in the middle of the night – again, I have to do the feeding anyway and don’t have to be in a meeting at 8 a.m. most mornings. But I have to say I don’t feel like we aren’t equally sharing the parenting just because our roles are somewhat traditional. I love the time I get with the baby in the middle of the night because the toddler demands so much attention during the day. And our daughter is always happy to see Daddy when he gets home from work and wants to spend time wth him. As far as house work goes – well, neither of us clean much and both of us cook lots (we both try and keep the kitchen clean though). Since I’m home during the day it seems like it should be my job to keep the house in order but my husband honestly doesn’t care whether I clean or not and doesn’t expect me to since he isn’t interested in cleaning either. And I do most of the yard work in the summer because I like to do it and enjoy being outside even when it is freezing to shovel.
Jordan and I have also taken on the traditional roles … he the breadwinner and I the homemaker. But we like it that way. I made 75% of the decisions regarding the kids without even really consulting him and the other 25% is the big stuff that we discuss. We are happy in our roles and it’s working for us, though I definitely realize it wouldn’t work for everyone, especially those with two parents working out of the house.
That being said, Jordan is a really hands on ad when he’s home. He plays with the girls in the snow and gives them their nightly bath. The girls adore him and are completely comfortable with him when I’m not around. Abby is definitely a momma’s girl though and Josie a daddy’s girl.
Anyway, glad that you and Steve are striving for this. I definitely think it’s something that will make your whole family happy. 🙂
I think we fit that model pretty well, although Noah does a bit more of the working and I do a bit more of the parenting – due to time. We both work outside the home, and we’ve always agreed that whoever is home more, does more of the parenting/housework. It’s shifted in our five years of marriage a couple times, but it’s always been pretty even. We each have areas we’re stronger in, and we seem to balance each other out. Also, we have the agreement that I do all the cooking and he does all the dishes. (This being my favorite arrangement ever.)
I guess this sounds all wonderful, but we still have our days where nothing gets done, where we argue about who’s going to do what, and our bathroom sits for weeks without being cleaned.
I’ve always been of the opinion that you do what works for you. I don’t think traditional roles are ALWAYS right and I don’t think that both parents working is ALWAYS right – just find your groove, what works for your family, and go with it; and when changes need to be made, you adapt.
I hope you guys find an arrangement that makes you both happy and feel supported. 🙂 I’m stoked for you to be doing your real estate thing!! I hope you love it!
My husband and I share all responsibilities equally. We do a lot together as well. We grocery shop together, clean together, and sometimes cook together. When we have kids we plan to work as a team to raise them, each spending equal amounts of time with them. We both work outside of the home, but our jobs are not overly time consuming, and we don’t work over time hours.
Can’t say I ever thought I would get a mention on UrbanMoms 😉
This ESP thing has me intrigued though, I would very much like to see a house that works to follow the principles. My wife works part-time so 2 days (all day) a week it’s just my daughter and I, so I am equally competent in changing diapers, making snacks, discipline, etc…. but by no means is everything equal. I love the fact that I have this type of bond with my daughter and being able to continue this has factored into our ‘life plan’. I think more Dads need to be willing to recognize the gain that comes from the type of sustained interaction with their kids. As men tend to say with sports though, No Pain No Gain. Sure it’s work but not only do I appreciate more what my wife does on the other 5 days but I love that my girl asks for Daddy sometimes or that I am the one who’s around for some ‘firsts’.
I’ve always said there’s no 50/50 with our parenting. It’s 100/100.
We’re both 100% involved in all decisions regarding school, activities, medical, discipline…
He’s never missed a parent/teacher interview.
During Cuyler’s diagnosis process (just over a year) dh never missed an appt (dozens)
During Eva’s illnes – he never missed an appt (Sick Kids 2x a week for 8 months)
If I cook, he clean and vice versa.
We alternate bath nights.
I’ve never worried about leaving the kids with him of an extended length of time – he can do anything and everything that I can as far as the kids are concerned.
I’d say that’s Equally Shared Parenting.
We too share our parenting equally, but not always the tasks around the house. Even though I only work part time outside of the home, Steve is quite happy, and points out to me regularly, he is quite capable of doing most things for and with the kids. He is a better house cleaner than me (when he chooses to do it). I do most of the domestic things, him the outdoor things (mostly because he is a perfectionist and can do them better!), but if I need him to do stuff with the kids he does so (often with just a gentle reminder). He loves being the go to parent for alot of things and I love watching how much he loves the girls and would put them before anything else. I am interested though to see him once the hormones kick in, which unfortunately is not far off!!
I also read Eric’s post and was equally intrigued.
If I do say so myself, I think this is one area that my husband and I ROCK in. Before we had kids, my husband was always hoping that one day if he became a father that his kids would want to go to him. His sister’s kids always clung only to her and it kind of drove him nuts to watch.
So with our first, we worked on doing everything together. I am a career woman, and know full well that unless you work in the salt mines, going to work is pretty much a break from the 24 hour never ending child rearing days. Therefore, I have never felt even a bit guilty if my hubbie has had to get up in the night to help. Obviously, I try to be sensitive but in reality, he does better at little sleep than I do and (mostly) gladly gets up in the night. We are good at “reading” each other and know when it’s time to step up and help (especially now with the twins).
We honestly have no roles. This does provide with some ribbing from neighbours if I’m out shoveling while he’s feeding babies but he wants to spend time with his kids and I enjoy the outdoor activity. If work needs to be done, we do it.
The pay off is that we know that we have each others ‘backs’. And, when I stayed home with the newborn twins this summer and he took our 2 year old out of town to visit Grandma, there was only good times. Because our kids are equally comfortable with both of us.