After learning at the ultrasound that this third baby is a girl, I walked across the hospital parking lot and a disturbing thought danced through my mind, “It’s OK. We can always try one more time for a boy.”
I was appalled at myself. I don’t want four kids, do I? Too many faces!
Anyone who knows me in real life knows that motherhood is hard for me: my kids are wild, I am a craft-hating free spirit whose house is always covered in toast crumbs and dog hair, the tv is on way too much and I am looking forward to when I am able to re-enter the work force. I love our kids more than life itself but I feel like there is more to my identity than the title of Mother. If I were to have four kids, it would be eons before I had my body back, before I regained my sanity and my sex drive, before I could think about finding a job.
Throughout this pregnancy I have been telling everyone that this baby is the last one, and three is all we want. And that’s how I feel in my head, and mostly my heart, but I guess I haven’t really been as certain as one might assume.
Perhaps once this baby is born we will feel a deep sense of completion, as though all of our family members are finally present and we can move forward together without adding to our brood. But what if we don’t feel that? Does everyone “just know” when they’re done having children or do you sometimes just have to let life pass you by for a while and realize a few years down the road that your family was complete all along?
Every child that is born is precious and a family could never imagine life without them, but you have to draw the line somewhere, don’t you? “Ooo, our lives would have been so empty without baby number 19! She’s such a gem!”
I really don’t think I want four kids. But what if I do? Anyone want to be my surrogate?
Do you think everyone “just knows” when they’re done having children? Did you? What happens if you don’t know for certain? Does that mean you should have more or just have a court-ordered tubal ligation for even considering the notion?
I knew I was done while still prego with number 3. I knew it was boy #3 and was totally fine with that. I always thought I would have 4 kids. 2 or 4, but never 3. Well, here we are totally happy with three. I’ve asked people who come from a family of 3 boys if they ever wished for a little sister and they alway say ‘no way!’. So that settles it. Also? Another thing that settles it? My friend has 3 kids and thought they’d go for one more. As of July she will have FIVE kids UNDER THE AGE OF FIVE. Twin boys. We’re so done at three. I especially think “3 of a kind” is pretty special, too. My boys, and your girls, (if this is your last) will have a unique bond that not all families experience. My hubby went for his day surgery in February when our youngest was 14 months. He met guys in the waiting room who had teenagers and were just now getting it done. We’re excited to get on with our life and out of the baby phase. Not that I won’t miss these days, but we feel very sure it’s time to move on.
In situations like this, I always hope people ask themselves “How will I feel if it’s another girl?” Considering there’s a 50/50ish chance of that happening, I think it’s an important factor to weigh, especially if having a boy is one of the main reasons you’d even consider having another. (Not that you wouldn’t love a fourth girl, of course, but you know what I’m saying.)
Our little ladies are 2 years and 5 months apart. Right after having our 2nd daughter I thought we would for sure try again – a third time – for a baby boy. My husband was non compliant 🙂 But we agreed to wait 2 years before doing anything permanent. So the time has passed, our youngest is 2.5yrs and now that the diapers and bottles are gone and life is getting a little easier, I have a little glimpse of what the future would be like with 2 girls – and I like it. We have decided to stop here and enjoy watching our little family grow now. I think for some it truly takes time before you know you are done.
if you do plan on having another kid check out in-gender.com its a great free website that helps tip the scales in favor of a boy through diet, timing. etc.
We are trying to have a girl so we will see if any of there methods help 🙂
Two’s good. For us. We initially wanted four. Then Matthew actually felt like we were complete after our first. But I didn’t want her to be an only child. So we had another. They’re pretty close together in age. They’re both girls. They’re the best of friends (unless they’re fighting – no – even when they’re fighting). I can’t imagine ‘us’ without the yougest, I’m so glad we had two. But, I’m glad we didn’t have a third. My body. My sanity. The diapers. I’m done. Two’s good.
My husband had a son from his first marriage so I say I got a package deal. He’s our one and only. If you would have asked me 7 years ago (before we got together) if I would have told you I wanted two biological children…but now, totally happy with the package deal and wouldn’t change it for the world. My step-son is my son and I don’t have to have a blood relationship to feel that way. For us, it just works.
I am right there with you Amanda, as far as parenting goes. I love crafts, but doing them with kids. I love to bake, but it annoys me to have to include the kids in the kitchen. I love to read, but not children books. I NEVER thought I would have three children by 26 and contemplating having another one. NEVER. I do dream of the days where the house will be empty during the day so I can do the things I want to do. I dream of the nights Dana and I will have to ourselves, and the new energy that can be devoted souly to (((cough cough))). I dream of Saturdays of picnics and long walks with the man who made me want to have children to begin with. BUT having said all that, my kids have stretched me, molded me, challenged me, to not only be a better mom… but a better person. I don’t feel like our family is complete, and while there are moments I want to lock the door to my room and pretend I am by myself and ignore the screaming, arguing between siblings, crying, ect…. it’s in the moments when I see our children loving each other as a family. When Kynan talks about his new baby brother/ sister that isn’t born yet (Which happens daily). It’s when I sit at the table surrounded by our children and am in awe of how God works in our lives. As for your upcoming decision to procreate any more, I would only say this. You have a LONG time to think about it. Wait until after baby is born before making any firm thoughts. And even if you think with certainty at that time you are done, don’t do anything ‘permanent’ until you are at least 35 (or past the age that you know without a doubt you don’t want children). God may work in your heart. Either way. To feel complete with this new joy in your womb OR to prepare for the family of 4 He desires for you. And my final most important advice is….. to pray. God bless you and your growing family.
I’m replying to this as my 2 year old son is banging on a tamborine and my twins are doing flips in my very large tummy…perhaps not a good time 😉
I honestly think that the number of children you have should be determined not by childhood dreams, gender desires (would you try again if you knew it would be another girl?) or “I love the baby stage”. I think we need to look at our family and decide what’s best for everyone involved.
Bringing twins into my son’s life isn’t something I was hoping for. He will always be the brother of “the twins”. I do pregnancy very poorly and my son has been almost ignored by me for the past 4 months or so. Could I do that to 3 kids? So even though growing up I always wanted 4 kids, we’re done after this! We’ve been blessed beyond measure and I look forward to raising my family and closing the door to this stage of my life. Even though it won’t quite end up as I dreamed it would 🙂 (you know when I was 16 and thought I had it all figured out).
You totally know that if you had a 4th it would totally be a 4th..girl. Maybe once that baby is in your arms you will feel the contentment of a full family…or maybe you will be longing for that busy boy? Keep us posted!
I want more kids, but I only have 1. I also have a stepson, so he’s 2. I want at least 2 more because for some reason the number 4 is stuck in my head. If I had a lot of money I’d definitely want a big family. My brother is 7 years older than me and we have nothing in common and we don’t have much of a relationship. I want a big cozy tight knit family. 🙂
I think everyone who has all of one gender wants to try one more time. You should check out the Chinese Gender prediction charts. You look at the month you’re trying to conceive and your age…and it will tell you if you’re supposed to conceive a boy or a girl. So far it has been right on everyone I know. Of course that is not scientific, but if it works…. 🙂
We just found out today that Baby #2 is a girl- and we have a 3 year old girl. While we are THRILLED to have a sister for Maggie and happy the baby is healthy and all of that, there is the question looming: will we try again for a boy? I’m pretty sure I’m done after 2, but I think my husband is a little bit sad at the idea of not having a boy to throw a ball with, etc (even though I told him: he can TOTALLY do that with the girls! But, and he’s right: it’s not the same.)
We won’t really have to worry about this decision for a few more years (because I know 100% that I don’t want Two Under Two if I can help it! LOL) but still, it is a question. I don’t know if you really ever do know for sure- it’s like anything else, you just make a decision and go for it- whether it’s throwing out the condoms or scheduling that vasectomy 😉
I always thought I wanted 3 or 4 kids when I was younger (and oh so naive). And then I had one!! Changes things. I knew I never would stop at one, so on to two. Then I really wanted a girl, so on to three. I knew that if it was a girl, then I’d be done, and if it wasn’t, that I was done trying! So I told myself through the whole 3rd pregnancy that this is it, my LAST….I wanted it ingrained in my mind. I wanted to relish every small bit of happiness I enjoyed about being pregnant. I think it helped to do that so it really felt final. And in my last bit of labor I remember being so excited that I am NEVER doing this again!
Yes, good question. I’m in a similar situation to mykidsmom. After 2 girls I was feeling done but unwilling to shut the door completely. A few months after #2 was born friends of ours had a boy – I had my little cry about the “Ezra” I wasn’t going to have. Then I moved on but we were too lazy to get the surgery done, thinking the 99% protection numbers were good enough.
Four years later we had sold our townhouse and were gearing up to figure out some longer term travel – less than a week after moving into our rental I had the surprise positive test. Luckily I have fantastic pregnancies and love many parts of it. I love my Ezra boy but 3 really did throw things out of balance. A four year gap, car seats, hotels… I’m always going to have moments of missing the sweetness of the wee ones, but never enough to justify doing it all over again.
I have 2 beautiful and sweet (sometimes) little girls, and we are DONE! I’m usually not much of a planner, but we bought our house 2 years ago with the intention of only having 2 kids, and the layout of the house isn’t conducive to more kids. Financially, we know that we can’t have more kids either, or else we wouldn’t be able to save for their college etc…as much as we are now. Finally, after finding out after my last daughter that I have a genetic stroke disorder, I KNEW that I don’t want to increase the chances of my daughters having this same issue (there is already a 50% chance for my girls).
There are still times when I think “what if”, but I have to think logically. I usually get weepy and emotional when I realize how big my baby is getting, but I have to remember that every baby turns into a kid, and no matter how many I have…they will never stay babies forever. It makes me a little sad, but it also helps me live in the moment with them more, and to look forward to the future of fun that we will have with 2 little girls running around.
You know how I wrestle with this… I know too many couples that jump the gun and make a permanent decision about this and regret it years later. I’m not sure if we will ever want more but I refuse to have that option taken away from me at this point. My selfish side says “DON’T DO IT! Life is just beginning to get easier!” And yet….so what if I have to wait a few more years to have my time to myself again. Those babies are just soooo precious and the time just flies by too quickly if you stop to think about it. See? Now I’ve just convinced myself I should have another. What am I thinking?! FOUR?!!…..
We were done after 2. Or so we thought.
Our 2nd has autism and there was no way I could deal with a newborn and the exhaustion that goes with a brand new baby and deal with autism and all of it’s challenges. We felt that out of fairness to our boys we couldn’t and shouldn’t have anymore.
But I didn’t feel done.
When we got pregnant with #3, we were not happy. Did not want another baby. I was mad and scared and not excited. And felt guilty because of it.
As my due date approached I let myself get a little excited. Was it a boy or a girl? What would we name it? Who would it look like?
The day she was born I felt utter elation. Joy. Gratitude. All good things.
Best of all I felt that deep sense of completion. There is definately a feeling of being done – for me anyways.
She’s 3 now and life is great. Sadly her infancy, babyhood and toddlerhood FLEW by!! I’ve got my independence back, my body (kinda) back, and I don’t feel tied down with a little one (although I do miss the littleness of my kids as babies).
Thanks for asking this Amanda, the comments you’ve received have been helpful to me also. Though I do consider myself a “kid person” and I have always wanted a big family, and my husband is fine with having a whole baseball team if that is what works out, I’m feeling really old and tired and grumpy on this 3rd pregnancy. I guess I thought 4 would be an ideal number, but I also thought 2 sets of kids very close together in age would be ideal also. At this point in the pregnancy I can hardly bare the thought of being pregnant again in 18 months or so. I know I wouldn’t have to stack them that closely, but for the reasons you mentioned above, and also for the relationships between siblings I think it would be best for everyone (except me) to have them quite close together. I’m nervous about the idea, and I don’t know what will actually end up happening in real life. I’ll say the old cliche, “it’s in God’s hands” and I’ll also be doing some mathematics and paying close attention to the position of the moon if you know what I mean!
We had number 2 two months ago. We always knew we wanted two but would take it one child at a time. Now that we have a girl and a boy my husband is done, he feels our family is perfect and complete. I am not so sure, my head tells me I should be happy with what we have yet my heart hasn’t grasped it yet. If it weren’t for the pregnancy part there may be no doubt… I don’t know.
I think kids are wonderful, a LOT of work yes, but at the end of the day, it’s so worth it, right?! As far as how many goes, there is the whole ‘practical’ side that plays into it for me. The size of vehicle, college tuition, ability (or lack of) to travel. Then comes the whole age thing! If I were younger, I would have a more difficult decision I suppose but I can say that we’re complete at two! For you Amanda, whatever feels right. Four is a nice even number!!!
I am currently two weeks from having #2 and I dislike being pregnant. A lot. We haven’t decided how many kiddos we want. I’m thinking I’d be happy with 2. Hubby thinks maybe 3. He’s a farmer, and as I’m sure you know, works long days during certain seasons. Some days we don’t see him at all. So I feel like a single parent at times. And I don’t enjoy it. I love my little man so much, but am not a “kid person” either. So do I really want a gaggle of kids to deal with by myself a good part of the year? Not really. So we will see. You always want to leave a little room for an oops too right? Just in case? Lol.
I had my first baby at 34 and my second at 35. A boy and a girl. We were complete. A third would put everything out of balance for us and a 4th (which is really how many we thought we wanted) would have been insane! I think we all wonder what if, but new babies hold no envy anymore for me. I guess that’s how I know our family is complete. That and it takes all I’ve got to be a full time mom to the two we have, and I do like my sleep 😉
I have no idea.
After I had Liliana, I said that I was done. Not because she was horrible, but because she felt like the final piece to the puzzle. Someone to genetically tie us all together. I was 23 when I had her, and, if life went according to plan and both kids were gone by the time they were 18, MY life could start when I was 41 and had an empty nest.
A girl can dream, right?
Now though? I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like one more would complete us, for the stupidest reason ever. The letters our names start with. Right now, we’re JKL N. And we didn’t even do that on purpose. If we had another kid, and named him/her with an M name, we’d have five letters in a row.
Like I said, I’m insane.
We had 3 girls and we felt our family was complete. There was no way that I was going to have another one. My husband had a “simple day surgery” and we were done… now 3 years down the road, I’m questioning that decision. I wish I could go back and tell him not to get it done. But, we have to live with the decisions we make.
I knew after #1 I wanted another. But I knew after #2 I was totally and completely done. I think some people know for sure and some people don’t but life decides for them.
And just because there are other components to you as a woman doesn’t mean you aren’t a fabulous mom! I don’t cook or bake, I hate to clean and I run a very busy business. But I think my kids think I am the most awesome mom ever.
Well, I had 3, and my family felt complete. I was starting to get my body back, my sex drive back, and I got a part time job. And then, God decided our family wasn’t complete, and now we’re expecting #4. 4 kids is a lot. But in reality, the time when they are small and require your attention FEELS like eternity, but really it goes by so fast. I’m sure in a few years I’ll look back and think it wasn’t so bad, and life would be incomplete without that fourth child, but for now I’ll just cry myself to sleep. 🙂