How many of you moms find that you are sleeping more nights with your kid than with your partner or that you’re experiencing interrupted sleeps due to your kid creeping into bed with you because they’re crying or scared in the middle of the night? Or how many of you moms have to lie endlessly with your child until they fall asleep before you can leave them?? If this sounds like your home…this blog’s for you!
Many parents see me in my practice because they can’t seem to get their child to sleep in their own bed, let alone their own room. The first question I ask parents is, “for how long has your child been sleeping in your bed?” Generally speaking, most parents say “always”, “since he/she was a baby”, “I’ve always lied with her until she’s fallen asleep”. For most kids then, their parents company at bedtime has been what they understand to be their bedtime routine. Now just because you’ve suddenly decided to pull the plug on your kid’s lifelong bedtime pattern because you now feel they’re “old enough” to sleep alone, doesn’t mean they feel so. In fact your kids are thinking, “what do you mean you’re going to change things up now after teaching me for all these years that this is the way we do bedtime?” Your kids might be right.
After years of bedtimes together, many kids will have a hard time adjusting to sleeping alone…they will adjust eventually…but it’s going to take some time and effort. Therefore, an adjustment period is what will help ease this transition. First things first…it’s very important to remember that having a kid who has trouble sleeping is NOT your fault. All kids transition differently to sleeping alone.
Here are some tips to help you jumpstart this transition in a healthy way.
Stop getting angry, stop reacting punitively, stop fighting in the middle of the night, stop yelling, stop trying to force your kid to their bed, stop, stop, stop! The only thing that fighting does is keep you from getting sleep.
Often kids tell me that they are afraid in their room. Note that children’s fears are very real and should be heard, not dismissed. Kids may be afraid because they don’t know what’s in the closet or under their bed. They might feel scared because their bed is next to the window; some say their room is to dark or that they hear things when it’s quiet; others say that when they close their eyes they see scary things. To solve this, I always “safety-proof” bedrooms with kids. This means that I would literally rearrange the furniture to position things (i.e. bed) in a “safer” place. I also would get rid of anything that looks creepy to your kid and do this at night with a flash light so that your kid is seeing the room as he/she would if they were trying to sleep.
I also have created things like “safety-blankets” or “safety-T-shirts”. Buy puffy-paints and crafty supplies to help your kids get creative. Tell them to write words or draw pictures of “safe” things or things they love onto the blanket or T-shirt so that when it’s covering them, or when they’re wearing it at bedtime, those safe and loving words/pictures will protect them.
Night lights are a dream. Put them on, put them everywhere. Light up your kid’s room if they’re afraid of the dark. If it works with your home, keep their bedroom door open with the hall light on. To drown out the “scary noises” that kids hear, get a tape recorder or CD player with lullaby music (for younger kids) or any of those relaxation tapes (i.e. sounds of the ocean, white noise, etc.) work well with the older guys.
To promote subtle shifts, have a bed (i.e. blanket/pillows) made up for your kid on the floor of your bedroom rather than your kid coming right into your bed in the middle of the night…this may not be perfect but it’s progress.
Lastly, all the small steps that your kids take are significant, even if it’s simply one extra minute they had in their own bed before coming into yours. Let them know you’re proud of them for these changes. Avoid comments like, “you’re old enough now you should be sleeping on your own”, “your sister does it why can’t you”. The more you deflate them, the longer this will take. Give your kids the goods about their progress so that they will want to continue to make more.
So…try safety-proofing, safety blankets/T-shirts, lights, music and subtle shifts all to promote a better night’s rest and send me your comments and questions on how your family is sleeping.
Sweet dreams!
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Disclaimer:
The advice given by Kyla are merely suggestions for addressing personal
problems/situations. It is not guaranteed to ensure change or success,
as there are many ways to address the questions posed. Be advised that
implementing Kyla’s strategies and following her suggestions is done at
your own discretion. Kyla is not responsible for any outcomes that may
come from following her advice.
Thanks for the ideas. I’ll definitely give it a go. A full night’s sleep … ahhhhhh.
Katie, your 2 1/2 year old sounds like my 4 1/2 year old! I know what you mean about just caving because it’s so much easier…in fact, sometimes I’m so tired I don’t know when she has come into our bed…I just wake up thinking where’s my pillow? Why am I crunched right up against my husband? Oh yeah…the little one is hogging my whole half of the bed, my pillow and my covers. ARGH! We have tried the little bed in our room, with limited success…she really wants the full-body-contact. I tried explaining to her that Mommy gets a very sore back & neck and is tired & cranky when she comes into bed with me. That didn’t work! The one & only thing that has worked for us – but not 100% – more like 40% – is to offer her some one-on-one play, she picks what toy, with me the next morning. So it goes like this, “if you stay in your bed all night long, Mommy will play with you for 30 minutes tomorrow – what do you want to play? Pollies? Petshops?” I ended up doing that as I racked my brain for what the most motivating reward would be for her. At first it was stickers, then we upgraded to markers, then stuffies, and one night she finally said “I want you more than I want a toy!!!” when I was trying to ‘bribe’ her to stay in her own bed.
Lightbulb moment!
I can’t WAIT for a full night’s sleep. But by then I probably won’t be able to because I’ll be worrying about my 2 teenaged daughters out at parties and whatnot, right???
Any tips for our specific situation? Our 2 1/2 year old sleeps (in a bed) in a room with her older sister. Going to sleep on her own is not the problem, but almost everynight, anywhere between 1 am and 6 am she pops out of bed, closes the bedroom door behind her & heads up to our room. Sometimes popping her back in bed works, but most of the time it just generates a repeat visit 1-2 hours later. She sleeps with a blanket, but there’s never an issue of having lost track of it. We’re trying to reinforce having her sleep in her own bed, but waking up every two hours gets far too tiring so we often cave in, but with our daughter in our bed, we usually don’t get a very good sleep either. Very tired.
Ahhh, sleep. My 8 year old still struggles to fall asleep and wakes up every night and comes into our room. My daughter, who we actually had in our bed for the first 9 months, is a great sleeper. My son is a more anxious kid, more intense. But it is really starting to take its toll. He goes to sleep later and my hubby and I barely have any time to decompress or simply catch up. Ugh.
Such timely advice. My 2-year-old still falls asleep with me, but until about 10 days ago was good to be in her crib for the rest of the night. Now, she wakes between 3 and 4:00 each morning, crying for us to get her. In an effort to not wake the other two kids, we usually just bring her into our bed for the last couple of hours of the night. The only thing is – she doesn’t like to be covered up, so we usually spend the rest of the night battling over blankets. I think I’ll try the little bed on the floor to see if she’ll go for it.
Thanks Kyla,
I find I lose my sleep to all the irregular routines in my house. I am a light sleeper and tend to wake up whenever something is going on. That includes a late to bed, early to rise husband, teens who come in at different hours and a 4 year old who usually joins us between 2 and 4. Tonight she arrived at 10, her siblings are all home and accounted for and her dad is away so I’m going to cross my fingers and go for an 8 hour night. Wish me luck!
Interesting – thanks for this info! I’ll try to remember it for when husb and I have kids! :0)