I was on the phone with a friend this morning, having one of those rambling chats we’re so prone to: a little bit of this, a little bit of that, a conversation buffet. And during the course of our phone call, I said something like this: “well you’re not over eating anymore, but…” and she interjected with, “oh, but I am overeating. I’m not happy right now, and I overeat when I’m unhappy. When I feel happy, I don’t feel hungry.”
And it was like a bell went off in my own head. It’s not like I didn’t already know that I have a predilection to overeating when the chips are down. Hello: duh! But it was that phrase: When I feel happy, I don’t feel hungry. That equation of hungry with an emotion: happiness. Or, more aptly, unhappiness.
Now again, hello: duh! Of course I am not new to the idea of emotional eating in general or eating because of unhappiness in particular, but I had never heard and digested those words in that way before. What I’m talking about here is not a physical sensation being caused by an emotion (as in: I feel sad therefore I will eat to feel better), or even the confusion of an emotion and a physical sensation (as in: I feel an emotion that fools me into thinking I’m hungry). What I’m talking about here is the absolute equation of the two. I’m talking about hunger as emotion.
And as much as I’ve wrestled with emotional eating, I don’t think I’ve ever really addressed hunger: the emotion. Until recently. I’m hungry for so many things these days: for answers, for reassurance, for knowledge, for health, for stalwart, unstinting support and understanding. I’m hungry for things that aren’t even on the menu. I’m hungry to defy disease and even death.
But here’s one thing I know for certain: I won’t find the things I’m hungry for at the bottom of a bag of chips or a box of cookies. I won’t find them in second helpings of cous-cous, either, or even in a shot of Baileys (although that is by far the most pleasant place to look).
No, I think I’m going to have to look elsewhere for the things I’m hungry for right now.
Wow. Just wow.
I am blown away by what you have written. I wish I could explain it in words how this post got to me, but alas I am at a loss.
Like I said to Jen…laughter, laughter & more laughter. I have never laughed so hard in my life as when I am with you “girls”. You girls are fabulous at it. It comes from your Mom…she’s fabulous at it too.
Lots of love to you all.
If you find the way to fill that hunger please let me know. I’m searching for the same things as you. We’re in this together.
Oh you are singing my song!! I have been trying to address some of the reasons I find myself trying to “fill” my needs/emotions with food and it is a constant struggle. I just returned from an art retreat and realized the whole time I was there and creating, I never was hungry and passed up many an opportunity for treats and desserts which is so not the norm. Now if I could transfer that fantastic fulfilled feeling into my everyday, normal routine it would be great.
Keep going. I am on the journey with you.