My weight’s down again. It’s cause, possibly, for celebration: the loss of yet another pound. And yet although I’m not angry to be losing weight, I can’t give myself the credit, really.
I’m not losing weight because I’m tracking what I eat and making better choices and watching my portions and exercising more and just generally being more mindful about my nutrition and health. I’m not losing weight because I’m following Weight Watchers. Because I’m not following Weight Watchers.
I’m losing weight because I’m dwindling.
After decades of swallowing all my pain and loss and loneliness and fear, maybe there’s no room for anything else. Or maybe it’s that after spending all those years eating my feelings, maybe they’ve finally decided to eat their way back out. And now I – who could never understand people who lost their appetites when sick or worried (or even grieving; I gained 20 pounds when my mom died) – I cannot eat. And what I do eat, I cannot keep in. I have had diarrhea for six weeks, and my stomach is in a constant state of nervous turmoil. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t focus.
I can’t do this anymore.
One of the earliest warning signs was before we even got married (I know: how predictable for this all to come down to an unhappy marriage). There had been an argument, which escalated to a fight. A nasty fight. I don’t remember what it was about, or even what was said. What I do remember is sitting on the bed in our apartment and thinking to myself:
Oh my God. How can I get out of this with my pride intact? How can I go back to my family and tell them I made a bad choice; that I moved in with the wrong person? How can I get out of this relationship without letting people down, without lowering their opinions of me in some way?
And because I thought there wasn’t an easy answer (although of course the people who mattered to me would all have rallied around and supported me), I thought it was easier to stay. And over the years the phrase “easier to stay” evolved into “not giving up” or “compromising” or “working on it” or “marriage is hard work” or “I owe it to the children” and so on.
I’m not trying to lay blame here. There are two players in this game and I know that I am as responsible for the state of my marriage as my husband. But I do know this: I am terribly unhappy in this marriage. And I have been for a long time. And the result of suppressing all that unhappiness is being played out now, and the final battleground is my body. And I know that if I don’t change something soon, this war will claim its first casualty.
And so I have taken the first step. And it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. For me, taking control of my destiny and making a decision that I know will hurt other people – that was my life’s greatest challenge. Harder than holding my mother’s hand as she died (and yes, that makes me very ashamed.)
But as hard as it was, it’s done. And I find that I’m feeling an emotion I thought I’d lost: hope. I hope that the path from here will be an inexorable climb upwards for me and for my self (but maybe not for the numbers on the scale).
Heya great blog! Does running a blog such as this require a lot of work? I’ve very little understanding of computer programming but I was hoping to start my own blog soon. Anyways, if you have any recommendations or tips for new blog owners please share. I understand this is off subject but I simply wanted to ask. Many thanks!
Kath, talking about all of this is a HUGE step forward!!! I am very proud of you! I know how hard it can be, been there personally and having suffered anxiety/panic attacks and ibs yes, I can understand. You are stronger then you give yourself credit for and your words touch so many of us with your writing!! You have that gift. As well, you need to remember that your kids don’t miss a beat either, often that which we don’t think they realize or see they have crystal clear clarity on it all. And they carry that forward….your unhappiness with your husband if it doesn’t stop or turn around your children risk growing up thinking that is what a “normal” marriage is and end up seeking that out for themselves finding that same sense of unhappiness.
Lean on friends and family for support that is what they are there for…all of us here are here to support you too!! And I know you may not feel like eating much or eating the wrong things….little steps….smaller things more frequently…look at your kids faces what will they remember most of their growing up years….do it for yourself and them to keep healthy! You deserve to be happy….you deserve to laugh, dance, sing, be excited, to live a wonderful life….life is full of choices and we learn from each….sometimes the bad helps us better appreciate the good! *huge hugs*
Kath, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain and suffering right now. I commend you on your brave step forward – I can’t imagine how hard this must be.
As always, I am blown away by the clarity and eloquence of your words. Your ability to express your emotions in the midst of crisis is so impressive. My thoughts are prayers are with you through this journey. I have no doubt that you will emerge from this happy and triumphant with your strong circle of love around you.
Yikes Kath.
When we were in the process of getting Cuyler diagnosed, I reached my lowest weight ever – 101lbs. Anything I ate came out by way of diarrhea. So if I had to go anywhere, I wouldn’t eat. Therefore some weeks I wouldn’t eat until 7pm every night. Starving myself to avoid the embarrassment of having to use the toilet while I was out anywhere.
I had the beginning of an upper GI ulcer and developed IBS. Good times.
As far as the other issue. My mom left my dad almost 10 yrs ago, after 34 years of marriage. She moved in with us for a year. She was terrified of having to tell people that she left and would be divorcing my dad. She didn’t know what people would say. Would think…
Most everyone said “I can’t believe it took you this long.”
And they were right. They should have split years ago. Their marriage was not a good one and my sisters and I knew it. They did not provide a good role model for marriage or partnership.
They would have been much better off apart. And so would we.
Proud of you for stepping into the drivers seat and taking charge of which direction your life is going. I can’t imagine it will be an easy road but your journey will take you to great destinations.
Kath you are incredible. You’re incredible for sharing this, for being honest with yourself and for making changes. What you wrote about your thoughts is what SO many people think…and they do what you did and go through with it. No shame in that – we all want to make people proud of us. Good for you for now recognizing you need to make YOU happy. Your mom would be so proud of you for being so courageous…..
and as a person who can’t eat etc when under duress…may I suggest you stock your fridge with some ensure to get you through….I know you know this but you need to eat and at least that will get some nutrients into you!
Wow, Kath. Unhappiness really can play out in bad ways… I’m so sad and sorry to hear this news – you have to take good care of yourself. Be kind. Slow down.
I wish I had something constructive to say – you’re so courageous to share so much of this… sending you love and hugs. xoxox
Thanks, everyone, for your support. It means so much to me.
Kath, this is a gorgeous, honest, breathtaking post. You are something else to share this at this hard time. I could barely speak of “it” in the early days. I am in awe. I am just so very sorry you have had to go through and are going through this “death” because it really is one.
Hope is everything and without it we are lost. I am so glad you were brave enough to do what you needed to to find hope again.
Please contact me if you want to talk at any time. I have been there as you know.
I was eating at the time but everything tasted a bit like my left shoe.
Be kind to yourself.
One step at a time.
lots of love and ADMIRATION xoxo nancy
Oh Kath. I am SO proud of you! This takes so much strength, I know. You have always been one to put others’ first and “take one for the team” but now to see you taking control of your life gives me so much hope too – FOR YOU. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to see you happy and your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him.
I am always there for you, Big Sis.
XO Jen
i’m sorry you’re going through this.
i have experienced neither one of your two life altering situations, but i don’t believe you should feel ashamed for feeling that somehow your mother’s death was less of a challenge. these are two completely different entities and it would be like comparing apples and oranges, to me. i believe you grieve differently with different situations so please don’t feel ashamed about your feelings. i wish you strength!
I don’t know what I expected when I clicked on the link, but it wasn’t this. Kath, I am so very sorry to read of your personal struggles and what they are doing to you and your body.
I agree with a lot of what Ali has said; my parents haven’t been together since I was 2 years old. I don’t know life with them as a couple, and I can’t even imagine it, to tell you the truth. They are now both with people who make them happy, and it shows.
Marriage is hard; harder when you’ve made a commitment to be with some through thick or thin and it’s not working out. When thin comes to the point where it’s taking a physical toll on your body, mind and soul, it can’t be good for anyone involved.
I wish you peace. I hope, together, you can amicably find a solution that works best for your family and everyone find have the happiness they so deserve.
Thinking of you!
xo
Thanks, Ali.
” the whole “I owe it to the kids thing” is wrong. You know what you own your kids??? You owe it to them (and yourself) to be HAPPY.”
It’s funny, because I always saw my own happiness as secondary, but now I see that my misery is contagious. I’m doing nobody any favours by continuing to live with it.
I am so sorry for you, writing this post must have been really difficult, to share this personal turmoil with the world, wow…I love your blog and have always admired your honesty in what you write, this goes beyond – thank you for sharing, it may help someone else out & I hope it is therapeutic for you too. I hope all gets better!
Thank you for your open, raw honesty and the courage it took to both face this situation and to write about it.
Oh, Kath.
I HATE that the reason for your weight loss is because of all of this. I hate that you have any stress like this in your life.
THIS right here: And over the years the phrase “easier to stay” evolved into “not giving up” or “compromising” or “working on it” or “marriage is hard work” or “I owe it to the children” and so on. is the story for SO many people in my life. And I said to one of my friends a while back that the whole “I owe it to the kids thing” is wrong. You know what you own your kids??? You owe it to them (and yourself) to be HAPPY.
My parents are not married to each other. But they are each married now to the most perfect person in the world for them. I can’t even imagine my parents being married to each other….I don’t want to.
You are an amazing person, Kath.
I send you much love.
xoxo