Right after I gave birth to Cam, I knew that I was going to go through it again. I mean, it wasn’t all that bad – 2 hour labour and just a few pushes (but the 4th degree episiotomy I could have done without…).
After Cuyler was born I remember thinking “Thank God I never have to do that again.” And took that as a sign that I was done. Looking back I think that was the 22 hour labour, terrifying delivery talking. Then I was hit with a good dose of postpartum depression.
It took about 8 months to get through that. And then we were dealing with the developmental issues which lead to the autism diagnosis.
When Cuyler was around a year old I realized that I wasn’t done.
There was just something there that I was feeling. A little bug on my shoulder just reminding me that maybe there was one more for us. Sean did not feel this way. He was DONE. Absolutely no more babies. He was one who held the family together while I crumbled into a depressed mess and it was not easy for him. To consider going through that again was just ridiculous.
There was just something there that I was feeling. A little bug on my shoulder just reminding me that maybe there was one more for us. Sean did not feel this way. He was DONE. Absolutely no more babies. He was one who held the family together while I crumbled into a depressed mess and it was not easy for him. To consider going through that again was just ridiculous.
Realistically – I knew Sean was on the right page and I needed to get on it with him. I don’t do well postpartum. There was no way we could bring a newborn into our family now that we were dealing with autism and the commitment of time, money and emotion that came with it. What if the next one had special needs. There was NO WAY we could deal with that. That wouldn’t be fair to us, Cam or Cuyler.
However…
Whenever I saw a pregnant woman, I’d pine for the feeling of a baby inside me again.
Whenever I saw a newborn baby, I’d pine for an itty bitty baby in my arms.
Whenever I saw a mom breastfeeding her baby, I’d pine for another nursing baby.
But I just knew it wasn’t going to happen. I really really was truly happy being a mom to boys. I loved being the only girl in the house. And we were in a great place when Cuy was around 3 years old. We got through a really rough year and were in a good place as a family.
And then I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. The pregnancy was a roller coaster of emotions, but I made sure to enjoy it – knowing I would never again feel life growing inside me. The labour and delivery was great. And the second I laid eyes on her…
I knew I was done. I had never in my life felt as complete or fulfilled as I did in that moment.
I knew I was done. I had never in my life felt as complete or fulfilled as I did in that moment.I wasn’t nervous to bring her home and when we did – she just fit right in. I didn’t feel like there was an adjustment period. And there was no signs of PPD (thank you prenatal psychotherapy). Any fear of what I thought might happen to all of our hard work with Cuyler was unfounded. She is THE best thing to happen to him. Couple that with an amazing brother who is 18 months older – Cuy is one lucky kid.
My girlfriend had a baby Sunday, a stunning little girl named Emmerson. She delivered at the same hospital where all my babies were born. Walking through the halls and into the OB ward I got a little nostalgic about being back there. Seeing a nurse who was my nurse with Cam brought me back to my days of having babies. Made me happy. Happy to have had all of the experiences I’ve had. And grateful for the feeling of completion. Holding that itty bitty girl in my arms felt so good, but there was no longing for my own itty bitty.
When people ask how do you know when you’re done, I can only answer “You’ll know”.
For me it’s a feeling of being completely complete and I didn’t know what it felt like until I got here.
I am glad for the distance between myself and diapers, soothers, cribs, strollers, breastpads, bottles, highchairs and anything else baby related. I look forward to all of the great adventures ahead with my big kids.
That’s how I know I’m done.
That’s how I know I’m done.
Beautiful post Christine! You are so right – you really just know when you’re done. I feel the same way now but I also still remember the longing that used to be there.
Hey Christine,
Funny you should post this. I was at a baby shower today and held a little bitty baby girl. She was prefect. I didn’t feel “done” so much as, the ship has sailed…and it has. No point waiting at the dock anymore. I would have loved more but I realized that I am where I am and it is what is it. It was a bittersweet moment but walking away from the dock and moving up the road a little was OK. It was a good view and much was ahead.
did you really just say too old?
those are swear words in my house
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
I’m too old to have a choice now. And it was too hard and expensive to have the twins. So I’m done. Though often I’m wistful.
Aw, this was so beautiful. It’s funny because the way I feel right now, I am 90% certain we’re doing having kids but I don’t feel ready to do anything permanent to prevent it. What does THAT mean???
I can’t imagine having another baby close in age to the three we have now, but who knows how I’ll feel five years from now. I guess I don’t want to prematurely close that door and regret it.
But for now, SO DONE. 🙂
I know we’re done because while Baby Boy keeps asking us for more siblings, Darling Daughter has absolutely forbidden it! Thank you for a lovely post.
Great post Christine….after reading I can’t honestly say if I am done or not….but I am exhausted but thankful I have a super easy baby the second time around…and not the issues I had with my first. But trying for a boy would be awesome! hmmmmm. LOL.
Thank you Nancy!
It’s nice to be able to reflect on what we have and where we’ve been.
One of my biggest – and I mean biggest – fears with Eva’s pregnancy was the PPD. But I didn’t feel anything of it. It was a really glorious time her first few months (then her manny complications started). Sooo you never know. A good therapist, a great support system and the knowledge and experience of what we’d been through was crucial.
Sean had his visit with Dr. Schnippy 3 weeks before my due date with Eva.
There I sat, heavily pregnant in the waiting room with several 40+yr old men awaiting their procedure. Yes. Were were DONE.
And you almost don’t appreciate the wonder of a newborn until your holding one that’s not yours. I guess I took it for granted when mine were always in my arms. I just got used to them on me and didn’t really appreciate their smallness. Or it could have been the utter exhaustion and serving as a wetbar 24/7.
I think you’re right – you just know when you’re done. I’m waaaaaaay done – made Monsieur go to visit Dr. Schnippy last summer… it’s all good.
It’s nice to have that warm feeling of an itty bitty near you, or in your arms, without feeling that need to take one home with you, you know? Yes, you DO know! (And congratulations on your friend’s new baby!! What a blessing.)
Ah the being done….amazing that you could feel that way and know – so knowingly. I sometimes don’t feel complete but I wonder if I’m holding out for that right partner in this and not necessarily another kid. I was talking to someone last night and truly meant that I feel so blessed to have one healthy, amazing kid and to have survived PPD – I’m not sure I could go back there. But I do have a little niggling of incompleteness….SO happy you don’t!!!
beautiful glimpse into your personal thoughts around “being done”. I love this post!