Shawn’s Note: In this post, I have used the words “husband” and “wife” to simplify gender identification. You can easily insert the word “partner” to suit your particular tastes.
There are many differences between being a husband and being a father. But, is a man’s behaviour as a husband an indication of what he will be like as a father? Let’s discuss.
To frame the conversation, here are a couple of examples:
Example #1
Stew is not the most attentive man in the world. He never cleans up after himself, pees on the floor of the bathroom and doesn’t bother cleaning it up, stays out late with the boys at strip clubs and doesn’t bother calling to tell his wife where he is. Stew spends every Sunday afternoon in the Fall and Winter on his ass, watching football, and expects his loving wife to dote on his every desire. He is unemployed, and makes no attempt to find gainful employment.
Example #2
Once a week, Charlie stops at the florist and picks up a bouquet of flowers for his wife. He is constantly surprising her with concert tickets to see the artists she likes and whisking her away on fancy weekend getaways. He does his fair share of the household chores, cooks dinner more often than not, and does not expect his wife to pick up after him, ever. He is level-headed, admits when he is wrong and isn’t afraid to apologize.
So, we have Stew and we have Charlie. Whom do we assume would be the better dad?
Admittedly, the question is a facetious one. Stew not only sounds like a horrible husband, but also a horrible human being.
That said, can we automatically assume that Charlie will be the better Dad?
Here’s what I know. Becoming a husband was a fairly predictable experience. I knew, within reason, what I could expect once I married my wife and she knew the same of me. Sure, there were some bumps. But relatively speaking, it all unfolded as anticipated.
But becoming a parent? To quote the Emerald City Guard from the Wizard of Oz, that’s a horse of a different colour.
No one can anticipate what sleepless nights, colic and projectile vomiting will do to Charlie’s sweet disposition. He may be the kind of guy that needs 8 hours of solid sack time in order to function properly. Without that beauty rest, well, he might flare up like Scooby-Doo when Shaggy runs out of Scooby Snacks.
As for Stew, he might be the guy who’s innate paternal instincts kick in the minute his little baby grabs hold of his finger for the first time. He might jump at the chance to play with his child and become a brand new man. Stranger things have happened.
(That said, my money’s on Charlie. Because Stew’s an a-hole.)
Moms, you’re not immune to this phenomenon either. How many ladies will admit to being career-focused professionals one minute, and stay-at-home moms the next?
To all the parents out there (Moms and Dads), let me know if you’ve experienced an about-face as a result of parenthood. I’m really curious to see how many of you got more than you bargained for, or were pleasantly surprised by an unexpected turnaround.
Generally speaking, yes, I think “useless” husbands make “useless” fathers. But it also generally holds true that it takes two to tango. Many “useless” husbands and fathers are enabled to be so by their wives. If you want the father of your child to really be a father, then you really need to let go of “your ways” of doing things and allow him to find his. Sometimes a woman/wife can be her own worst enemy.
Motherhood was the greatest personal growth experience ever. Before kids I didn’t realize how self-absorbed I was. Now I have reason to put others first and it is a wonderful gift.
As for my career, I have both! That is why I created UrbanMoms 🙂
All of you – your honesty is REALLY appreciated!
And to A Man, let your self-awareness be the strength you need to improve!
I had a complicated situation, becoming pregnant with a Man whom never wanted children not even with his ex-wife of 4 years. I realized that parenthood is a huge responsibility and didn’t want him to resent being forced into parenthood. So I gave him a get ‘Out of Jail Free Card ‘ he was honest enough to say he just wouldn’t be a good father. I decided to be a mother on my own.
Then I got set up on a blind date with a man that was better than a CHARLIE type man he wanted to be a father…we fell into a love story. He was responsibile, respectful, generous, close to all his family especailly his Mother. He became close to my family as well. He proposed to me in front of everyone at my Baby shower. He said he would be honored to be my babies father. We even got married before the baby was born so he would be able to put his name on the birth certificate.
A man who didn’t have to take that responsibility of someone elses blood son …now 4 years later we are a broken family.
He was jealous after the baby was born, insecure about our relationship, resentful towards the baby …he thought he was ready to be a father. Expectations are not realities. I did everything to reassure him, I never let myself go…I was in red lingerie serving dinner 1 month after giving birth nothing was ever good enough. When he finally decided to stop Blaming our son for our relationship changing he dexided to blame me. The relationship became verbally abusive…I was told we were a BURDEN. When our son was 2 years old and they finally bonded but his father was a workaholic absent father most of the time.
He ended up resenting fatherhood which was exactly what I had tried to avoid by not forcing the other guy to be a parent. I guess less sex and less sleep really brought out the worst of him. I love and cherish motherhood and my son after all he should have at least one parent that feels blessed.
My husband is still my strongest and closest friend. He has a great relationship with both of our daughters, and he was hooked the first time he held each one of them.
I can still see his tears as he welcomed each one of our daughters into this world.
He was and still is, a hands on Dad. Both daughters are now married, and have discovered that marriage is a life altering experience. It is our greatest wish that both son-in-laws treat our daughters with the love and respect, DH and I have found, in our marriage.
My ex husband was disrespectful towards his mother and in turn to me…mostly the reason he is my “ex” now. That being said while I disagree on many of the things that he does with the kids there is no question that he loves them and they are safe with him. To add to this my fiancĂ©e and children’s step-father treats his mother like a queen…and it turn treats me the same…and although there are no blood ties he loves my kids as his own and deserves the “dad of the year award”.
hmm, my ex husband became a useless husband as he became a useless dad. At first he was great at both, but over the years he got more and more depressed and selfish, and got to the point where he was totally ignoring all of us. Even now, he’s pretty useless as a dad, although he sometimes surprises us
Here is a monkey wrench: While I stayed home for the first 4 months and my husband worked-he was useless. Well o.k. he did the cooking-but he has always done that-however he did not wake up once in the night-NEVER-not even the first night in the hospital-he insisted on an open house-5 days after I gave birth-2 weeks before christmas; and anytime that I brought up the subject that he wasn’t supportive, and didn’t do enough-he shrugged it off as post partum blues. Minimal diapering or holding, and complaints about no s_ _… I brought up the D word on 3 seperate occasions
Then I went back to Work-I’m a registered nurse and work 3-12 hour shifts a week-and he suddenly had the baby all by himself 3 days a week (he is self employed and has a flexible schedule). Now he is amazing. Sure the house is a mess, and he doesn’t wash bottles-but Dinner is always on the table, and him and my daughter have a blast. He has never called me at work, unless it’s to pick up milk. I never would have though 4 months ago that he would change like this. Now when I bring up the after birth time-he sorta looks at me with a little bit of understanding in his eyes-no apology-but I know that he gets it now.
I totally agree with Pat! I have a really good husband and he is an awesome dad!My husband is respectfuI to his Mom.
“Moms, you’re not immune to this phenomenon either. How many ladies will admit to being career-focused professionals one minute, and stay-at-home moms the next?”
This was me! I went to university for 10 years, have mulitple degrees and was working towards a very strong career but I always wanted children. When my son was born I figured that I would return to work very quickly and continue with my career, but then it happened – that little boy melted my heart and I wanted to be a full-time mom. I have changed career paths and didn’t go back to work for over a year and only work now because my husband and I both felt it was very important for our son to go to daycare so that he could learn how to interact with other children and not “need” mom and dad so much. I am now self-employed and work around the time that I spend with my family.
Stew is a child walking around in a man’s body. He may make a great Dad some day, but he has a whole lot of growing up to do first. Like decades worth.
I experienced a bit of a turnaround in my life when my kids were born, even though I never thought I would do it I left the corporate world to be home with my kids. I don’t think having them changed everything about me, but it sure re-ordered my priorities FAST and made me realize that there is a time for everything in a lifespan, this was the time I needed to give everything to my kids. There will be lots of time for a career later on, but they are only little once.
My ex husband was not a very good husband but he is a great dad! Before we got married we had some rough spots. Mainly with him not wanting to grow up. But when our little girl was born he stepped up to the plate and became a great dad. We were married 4 yrs before we just weren’t happy as a couple anymore but we still get along and he is still an awesome father.
Really?
I have met men who are the biggest jerks in the world to everyone, dads, moms, brothers, sisters, wifes, mother in laws etc. But the second his kids are involved it would require an army to hurt them. Attentive to their every needs, etc.
I have also met men who love their wives, love their direct families, have kids, and don’t ever want anything to do with their children.
It is my personal believe you cannot ever judge a human being until you have walked in their shoes, not for a minute, or a mile but their entire life.
I haven’t used my real name here simply because my upbringing was a crappy one, considered horrible to the vast majority of the western worlds standards and it’s a serious work in progress. I have two children who I love to death, and yet I will sit and cry in the bathroom because I see myself treating them like my father treated me and hate myself because of it. Deep inner hate and anger.
I think I dated old Stew….I totally TOTALLY agree with Pat. If Stew is an a-hole but treats him mom like gold, you can rest assured he’ll snap out of it.
My motto is a man can be judged by the way he treats his mum. If he is respectful of her and has a genuine affection, then that transfers to his relationship with his wife and children.
This is taught. It’s manners 101. Dad’s step up. Your son will learn by your example. Remember they see all you do and hear all you say…when it comes back at you and it will…make sure its something you’ll be proud of.
I have a picture of my son and I dancing at his wedding. The most common comment i get from folks, “I just can’t believe the way he is looking at you.” I tear up every time I see it.
His mother-in-law thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, not to mention his lovely wife.