Democratic Parenting – Ask The Parenting Coach

Q: There’s no question in my mind that I am the boss in my family and I think it’s misleading when people use the term Democratic Parenting.  Could you comment?

A: Parents often ask me to define Democratic Parenting, so I’m glad that you’ve brought this subject up.  In a recent workshop I was delivering another parent expressed a similar sentiment to yours and commented: "In a democracy everyone is equal, but in a family that’s not really true."  If one were to look up the word democracy in Webster’s dictionary one would find one of the following definitions: "a form of government by the people of elected representatives" or "a country governed by its people" or "the principle of equality of rights, opportunity and treatment, or the practice of this principle."

I believe that you and the other parent are quite right with your observations that a family is not a true democracy, however the term Democratic Parenting, when used in parenting books, is used as an adjective describing a style of parenting and not as a noun.  Democratic Parenting means that a child has the right to be treated equally with respect and dignity within the family.  It does not mean that children have the equal right to do what adults do.  It does not mean that children have an equal say in what goes on in the family, any more so then they do in society.  Children, for example, cannot drive until they’re sixteen, nor vote until they’re eighteen.  In a democratic system rules and structure are put in place by adults whose wisdom and experience can be relied upon.  In a democratic family parents and children share some very important principles of democracy, such as respect for a person’s rights regardless of their standing in the power structure.  For example, in a democratic family a child may be allowed some input as to when he is going to do his homework, but not if he’s going to do it.  Or, a child may have some input as to what her curfew will be, but not if she has a curfew.  Democratic families put into practice the spirit of democracy by working together cooperatively, without coercion, to reach goals.  Perhaps the term Democratic Parenting is not the best descriptor for the modern practices of today’s families, but it was never meant to describe a family structure in the purest sense of the word.  Children do not get to out-vote their parents but are asked for their opinions, and those opinions are respected and valued by the parents.

Terry Carson, M.Ed. is a Parent Coach and a mother of four children, who understands the demands and challenges facing today’s parents.  As Canada’s first licensed Coach-Parenting ™ Coach, her goal is to make parenting easier, more fulfilling and less stressful. She coaches clients on a one-on-one basis or through her Parent Coaching on Wheels workshops. She can be reached through her website.