“Mommy, Mrs. Smith* says I’m struggling with my reading…”
Well now. That wasn’t exactly the phrase I expected to hear from my daughter (who was in grade one at the time). It’s not that I was surprised at the assessment: I knew she wasn’t a natural reader like her older sister had been, but I was shocked that her teacher would share it with her, and in those words. And without speaking to me about it first.
Sure enough, the next time I was in the school her teacher corralled me in the hallway and pulled out a copy of a Dolch sight word list, with pink highlighter on every word my daughter had failed. “Maddy’s really struggling with her reading,” she said.
“So she tells me,” I replied. Mrs. Smith at least had the grace to look a little bit embarrassed.
And then there was the time she wrote a glowing comment on Maddy’s report card, quoting an interaction in class which turned out to have been uttered not by Maddy, but by one of her classmates. Despite all this, Maddy adored Mrs. Smith, and for her part, Mrs. Smith was a loving and nurturing teacher, if somewhat lacking in discretion. Because of this, I decided that Maddy’s interests would be best served by keeping mum and watching how things progressed throughout the rest of the school year. As it happens, Maddy’s reading picked up steam and she was right at grade level by the spring, and Mrs. Smith didn’t make any more major mis-steps, so the year ended up being a good one overall.
But it doesn’t always work out that way. In a later year, I did have to go and have a serious word with a teacher. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. First of all, the environment is stacked against you: no matter how mature or successful you are, meeting with a teacher in a classroom is probably going to make you feel like you’re in trouble. It’s hard to go against 12 -13 years of conditioning and see yourself as a fully-realized adult in that setting. And then, if your child is in elementary school, you’ll most likely have to sit in a teeny-tiny chair, making you feel ridiculous and physically uncomfortable. Add to that the fact that you’re about to challenge a professional on how they’ve been doing their job, and you may feel a little less than perfectly confident.
“But Miss Beasly, my little Johnny would never do that!”
So. What’s the best way to deal with conflict when it comes to your child’s teacher? Here are a few suggestions that I’ve found helpful in the past.
- Remember that your child’s teacher is just another human being, trying to do his or her best in a very difficult job. Also remember that he/she wants your child to succeed as much as you do.
- Remember that your child almost certainly acts differently at school from at home. The teacher may report behaviours that seem unlikely to you, but try to accept that most kids are very different critters in the classroom than they are with Mom and Dad.
- Remember to talk to the teacher first. It’s never wise to bypass the source of your concerns and head straight to the principal to complain (except in rare circumstances). It’s only fair, and it’s certainly how you would expect to be treated in your own job. If the teacher is unresponsive and you still have concerns after you meet, then it’s appropriate to escalate.
- Try to leave your emotions behind. In fact, if you can even wait a day or two before storming in to the school like a protective mama bear, you may find that cooler heads prevail. If you decide the issue is still worth addressing, having taken time to cool off will enable you to enter the meeting with your child’s teacher on your best footing: cool and level-headed.
- Check your child. If he or she is feeling better about school in a day or two, it may not be wise to reopen the issue. Kids learn great skills from having to deal with teachers they don’t exactly click with, and research shows that even after a year with a “not-so-great” teacher, kids aren’t any further behind academically when compared with their peers.
The good news is that most of us, most of the time, will have very good experiences with our children’s teachers; working together in the spirit of teamwork to help our children achieve their highest potential.
And that’s as it should be.
*Not her real name.
That’s a good question, Jen. I was always a firm believer in letting kids “tough it out” and not helicoptering in to change teachers just because my kid didn’t click in a certain class. However, last year I did end up insisting my older daughter be moved to a different class.
It was a sticky situation…she had just “graduated” from elementary school to middle school, so was starting grade 5 in a new location. She was in the process of being diagnosed with anxiety disorder, after several years of struggles related to school attendance. There were two feeder schools to the middle school: one very large (4 times larger) and my daughter’s tiny school with only 38 kids in her grade. The new school split them all up, and my girl had ZERO friends in her new class. Add to that the fact her teacher was absent for the first two weeks of school (medical emergency) and then again a week later for a further few weeks), and there was just no consistency in the environment. A “normal” kid could cope with that uncertainty…mine couldn’t.
Further exacerbating the issue was the teacher’s practice of changing desks and seating arrangements as a means of managing classroom behaviour – and also as a regular monthly routine, and my girl could NOT handle it. I asked, pleaded, and then BEGGED her teacher not to move the seating arrangements, and she refused. Okay: her prerogative. But I figured that 1) she didn’t take my kid’s problem seriously or 2) wasn’t willing to adjust her practice to accommodate my kid. At that point, I did march right on in to the principal’s office and say, “okay. NOW it’s time to move my kid.”
Which they did, with no issues. Has everything been 100% rosy since? No. But her new teacher, to his everlasting credit, NEVER changed her seating arrangement, and ALWAYS communicated with me in advance about any school/classroom changes that might trigger her anxiety. Which is what she needed.
Clear as mud? I guess my advice is: it’s okay to request a change of teacher (not always possible in smaller schools) when you have exhausted all the options and things are still not working out.
I think the other aspect of this is that it is a fine balance. You want to get your point across and advocate for your child but you don’t want the teacher resenting you or your child and it impacting their ability to have a positive relationship or resolve an issue.
I totally agree that you need to a) be selective about what “issues” you bring to the teacher and b) put your emotions in check. If you make it clear that your objective is to work with the teacher toward a common goal usually it is successful.
However, there will be times when the teacher/child relationship is not a good fit. What does one do in this case?
I definitely find it difficult to speak to my daughter’s teacher when we have an issue. I don’t like making waves and it’s not in my nature to share problems. While I struggle with this issue I know that I must advocate for my child.
Great post! I really appreciate how you tried to get into the teacher’s point of view. A couple small things: 1 don’t forget that if you are sitting in the small chairs, so are we! Also, as you pointed put, we are human and we do make mistakes. That doesn’t necessarily make us “bad teachers.” One think I will remember, though, is that what seems like a small mistake to me, may actually be a very big deal to someone else. Food for thought.