Connected Parenting

I have a challenging child. Pretty much every day she finds new ways to push me to my limits as a mother. Sometimes she succeeds in pushing me over that fine line between composure to despair. I have struggled for years now to discover just what it is that makes her tick, and have heaped massive amounts of guilt on myself. More importantly, I’ve sought dozens of resources to help me understand her behaviour, and to help my daughter learn to control it. Among the different social workers and psychologists I’ve worked with, I’ve found some valuable resources. Some of those are books. For instance, I’ve read Raising Your Spririted Child by Mary Kurcinka cover-to-cover repeatedly. It was the first book to give me some insight into my daughter’s extrememe behaviour, some consolation that it was just on one end of the spectrum of “normal” and some hope that we could overcome it together. I have also recently read The Explosive Child, by Ross W. Greene, PhD., which moves away from blame towards empathy and respect – emotions that are very, very hard to summon when you’re dealing with a child having an outburst!

The folks at Penguin recently send me a copy of their new release, Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari, MSW, RSW. Connected Parenting provides a methodology for recreating the “mirroring” that parents use to bond with their infants to use as a model for communicating with our children that helps the understand and control their own emotions.

Kolari’s method is based on skills she uses as a therapist to help her clients and patients. It presents a way to truly connect with and reach children who are in pain and having great difficulty (it’s worthwhile to remember that challenging children don’t like being that way – they just don’t know any alternatives: yet). However, the parents she worked with were still suffering. They felt lost, frustrated and baffled by their children’s behaviour (and how!) They wanted to home to be safe and peaceful but often found themselves feeling overwhelmed, inadequate and totally exhausted. Kolari remembers asking herself: “What would happen if I taught the parents to do what I do? Wouldn’t that be powerful?” The response was overwhelming. Parents began to report amazing changes in both their children and themselves. The parents began to move from a place of exasperation and hopelessness to one of empowerment and enjoyment. They felt reconnected with their children, and they rediscovered what’s wonderful about being a parent. And this from parents with even the most difficult and demanding children.

My challenging child and I are just starting down the road of Connected Parenting, but having read the book I’m very hopeful that we will begin to see results soon. If you have a challenging or difficult child (actually, even if you don’t!) I highly recommend this book.