I had so many blog entries planned for today – well for yesterday really – things I’m thankful for, a truly special night that I had last week (which I will indeed blog about later) and then about a beautiful memorial service that I was at yesterday. All of things were meaningful and heartwarming….. but the blogosphere is probably crammed today with thoughts of family and thanksgiving. And I was flooded with some other feelings this weekend. Well, one mainly. And that is that in some ways…I’m a CRAP ASS MOTHER.
Sure my kid is awesome. He’s smart and funny – and since I can only take credit for half his genes…I’ll say this, he’s freaking adorable.
But he’s two. Wait – that doesn’t require a ‘but’. Let’s try again. He’s two…(and here is where the ‘but’ is more appropriate)..but his mother forgets that sometimes…many times.
I’m not dealing well with him being two. A couple of instances really drove that point home for me this weekend. And here are my confessions…
Example One – Will was playing with his friend Mitchell. For no reason at all, Will walked over and smacked him. I grabbed him and made him say sorry. Two minutes later, he did it again. So what did the mother of the year do? Took him aside and smacked his hand. Oh riiiight – because THAT makes sense. Get him not to hit by hitting. I’m sure Dr. Spock is lining up somewhere to give me a medal.
Example Two – After an hour out, which included Will biting me and then hitting me and responding to my ‘say you’re sorry’ with a maniacal laugh, I put him into the car. When he requested the Wiggles, I said ‘nope, no music. you weren’t nice to mommy.’ So the yelling began and after ten minutes of deep breaths…I screamed back, ‘be quiet for godsakes just be quiet.’ Well, that just worked wonders. Of course, he stopped yelling, said ‘sorry mommy’ and then a pig flew by the car window holding a naked John Cusack whispering ‘ill meet you at home’. NOT. You get the picture….the screaming escalated and I shook my head at what an IDIOT I was.
Sometimes I feel that I expect to much of Will and that’s why I lose my patience with him so easily. I forget that he’s two and not twelve. I’m so afraid that he’s going to be ‘that kid’ – the one people don’t want around because he’s bratty. The one that people will say ‘the poor kid…it’s not him…it’s his mother.’
But I don’t know what the hell I’m doing 90% of the time.
Do you???
Shauna…I love the ‘i must be speaking chinese’ line…I always think Will hears ‘blah blah blah’ and just nods to get me to shut up.
Umm – helooooo – you worked with John Cusack…sigh….
I agree 110%. I struggle so much with the sibling fighting and I’m an only child so I guess I go over board. My husband doesn’t even bat an eye. Or do much of anything really. By the time he does step in he over reacts so much I come to their rescue.
I hate myself when scream and feel so bad. When I hear my 4 year old fighting with mom or dad in his sleep (he sleep talks and all his dreams are fighting) I feel so guilty.
It seems like I have been repeating the SAME rules for 3 years but he must hear them coming out of my mouth in Chinese or something because he keeps yelling, hitting his brother, scaring and chasing his brother, telling me off etc.
Sarah, I love the “drop kick” idea! LOL
Funny thing is he is the quietestkid and shy outside the house and a demoned inside!
PS I worked with John Cusack and he mooned me. Cute butt!
dude – wtf would I do without you….the fact that you ended this comment with the word ‘barfy’ is too much for me…hilarious
You are not alone! William nearly broke the glasses off of a teeny tiny girls face at gymnastics the other day…seriously! Nearly broke her glasses in half. Then he proceeded to punch a nice boy right in the nose. Needless to say we left with him crying and screaming. BUT the next week he was as good as gold….
Who knows why they do it? I think its just a phase – don’t ever doubt your self!! You are an amazing Mom – and ps – i have NO idea what I am doing with this kid stuff but what I do know is at the end of the day, after all the kicking, punching and screaming is over – William still adores me and I he. AND I know Will adores you and you he, and really in my mind, that is all that matters:) You two will carry each other along….is that too barfy to say out loud?
SHUT UP! Are you serious???? oh and yes you made me feel better…:)
that’s a great way to look at it! I’m going to keep that in mind…and thanks to Toran..the books are our saviour!
Prepare to feel better: Today at Luka’s school, one of his classmates called me a c**t. She’s eight.
You’re welcome.
It’s so true that we over discipline when it involves other people. We forget to keep
the focus on ourselves and the child. I certainly did that. All I can say at this other
end of parenting, is try to really forget what others may think and keep calm…say a mantra or something. Perhaps the one thing I regret is that I worried about what other people thought too much. My kids could then sense that I wasn’t on their side.
Being on their side doesn’t mean that you agree with what they’ve done…it just
means that you are willing to discipline calmly with the focus on you and the child.
You are not allowing your feelings in relation to others to cloud your judgement…It’s hard, and I see it better now. Keep a bubble around the two of you. It will help when these occasions arise. I also apologised when I went overboard.
On another note Sara…Toran was so impressed with how you read a story to Will
at the party…She thought it was neat that you gave him a calm moment in what
otherwise is inevitably a chaotic time with so many kids running around…Kudos
to you!!
i keep seeing Mitchell’s face with the big lip and Will’s face of ‘yup I made him cry’ – booo Will…(but thanks Mitch)..
thanks Lynn!
RE: “…people will say ‘the poor kid…it’s not him…it’s his mother’…”
Mitchy obsessed for the rest of the day about Will hitting him (he’s a little overdramatic) and when daw asked about what happened, literally my exact words were, “It wasn’t a big deal – poor Lawnie, Will’s just entering a really tough stage right now.” Good thing your are such a “choice mom”!!!
P.S. In that second sentence, “giving him both” is a GOOD THING, just so ya know!!!
He’s asserting independence at the same time he’s looking for limits. Your parenting is giving him both. Logic doesn’t work well for two’s – they don’t get it. Neither does expecting much empathy with the “victim” (whether another kid or YOU – hence the maniacal laughing) – they’re still too egocentric. I had a biter at that age – when I’d had no luck with other methods of discipline, I bit her back. Not enough to warrant a CAS call, but hard enough to get my point across – so she could begin to understand that biting hurt and it was not OK to do it. It was a nasty phase, but she doesn’t go around biting her boss or her patients now!! Removing privileges is right on, consistency is the key and allowing YOURSELF to be maniacal sometimes is OK – we’ve all been there 🙂
Thanks Jen! It’s all great advice. I am a leaver though…my friends will tell you – I’ve left restaurants before food has come, playdates after ten minutes and the park with a screaming, kicking kid under my arm. In my 10% of knowing what I’m doing…following through is high on my priorities!!!
The best piece of advice I got when I was going through a tough time with my now 11 year-old son was, “feeling judged is to moms what peer pressure is to teens”. SO TRUE! I try really hard not to consider what other parents think when my kids melt down or act inappropriately. A wise mom friend told me, “respect and love go hand in hand”. I want my kids to respect me and so I need to act like a role model. For a stubborn control freak that is really hard!
When I lose it, which happens more often than I would like, I always go back and apologize. I want my kids to know I am human and making mistakes is OK but taking responsibility is critical.
You are definitely not alone, Sara! Two is really hard but try and respect what he is going through without being influenced by other judging moms. You may have to leave when his behaviour gets out of hand. This was the hardest thing for me because I didn’t want to lose my chance to socialize but it certainly helped curb the behaviour the few times we did it. Oh, and also, he will definitely grow out of it!
John will be too tired….but I’ll see what I can do.
Dara – I love the ‘would my boss do this’….
and I agree – I think I feel like a bad parent because I over discipline with others involved..but then I wonder – where is the balance? If you don’t do enough – or you do too much…??
I think so much of the time when we overreact to our young children’s behaviour it’s because of the pressure we feel. If my 6 yr old hits my 4 yr old we discuss what happened and everyone gets a reminder that hitting isn’t right. If my six year old hits my neighbour’s four year old he gets hauled by the collar into his room and told off loudly.
We are so afraid our children will turn out to be the brat or the bully or that they will somehow reflect badly on us or embarass us that we end up becoming bad parents (if only for a moment) in an attempt to make them good children.
I don’t know the answer. I know, for myself, I often have to remind myself that they are children; they need rules and discipline but also love and understanding. I ask myself “if I made a mistake at work is this how I’d want my boss to react?”
Meanwhile, if John Cusack does fly by naked, send him to me when you’re done with him ‘kay?
nope
They love us in spite of ourselves and we them.
I had an angel at two and a devil at two in that order and the easy one was … you guessed it much easier to be a great mom to. My second had me by the neck for 18 months but taught me everything the hard way
Have a good sleep- tomorrow is another day and you are better at what you do than you think!!!
I often feel like the crappies mom too. It’s so hard to know what to do when your kid is irrational and does things that seem so out of character. I do give myself permission to lose it from time to time. But I try not to make a habit of it, and I try to apologize after things have calmed down. My 8 year-old can be such a nut-case at times and I find that the only thing that stops the screaming is when I scream too. When I’m in a decent mood I can ignore it, but most of the time it drives me over the edge. Oh the joys of parenting!
Sara- it’s like you read my mind today.
I could have drop-kicked my kid today when he put a kid in a headlock at the park and punched him in the head.
where the F*%$ would he have learned that.
I was so embarrassed- I also don’t want my kid to be the brat or the bully- terrified of people thinking he’s spoiled and more terrified that kids will be scared of him.
Holy long ass comment just to say- I’m there with you- and my kid isn’t even two. Lord help us.
Half the time I don’t now what the f*ck I’m doing.
The other half I know exactly what to do. That half negates the other half so I figure we’re good.
Sara – you’re doing a great job! I’ve seen you in action with him and I think your an amazing mom. Will is an awesome kid.
Two is a hard age. Trust me I know – Cuyler’s been 2 for six years (so to speak. You know what I mean)
Cut yourself some slack. Allow yourself to make mistakes. That’s how we learn.
Chin up girl! xoxo