This will be the first Christmas since Dad died.
To be honest he hasn’t been present at Christmas for years. Oh, he usually showed up, (but not always-sometimes a binge prevented him from coming) but he wasn’t present. His alcoholism had progressed too far.
So, I probably won’t miss him this Christmas. I know that’s an awful thing to say. But, I started grieving years ago. I’m sure I’m not done, probably haven’t even cracked the surface of grieving. You see, I’m a represser. Everything’s fine, good, great, super!
What I will be working on this holiday is forgiving my Dad. Forgiving him for giving up on himself, on me, on his grandchildren.
I used to think I wasn’t messed up by his drinking (in my teen years and young adulthood). He wasn’t a mean drunk, he wasn’t abusive. Now, I realize what an impact it had on me. I learned that I had to control everything. As a 15-17 year old I ran the household. I bought the groceries (with his money), cleaned the house, kept things organized.
I was abandoned, not physically, but emotionally. And, I need to learn to forgive.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved him fiercely. I was protective of him sometimes, he was sensitive, gentle and kind. I loved our conversations when he was still a functional alcoholic. But I was a kid. And it f*^&%d me up in many ways. I’m 41 and only now admitting that I was affected by the drinking. And I’m considering doing something about it. Maybe Al-Anon.
I used to think that 12 step programs were a bunch of hoo hoo. Co-dependent? WTF is that, gimme a break! Now, I’m thinking I’ll give Al-Anon another shot. Maddy and I went together when we were teenagers but it didn’t speak to us at the time. I’ve been reading about the steps a lot lately and it seems they may be helpful for spiritual growth. I’ve always shied away because of the “religious” aspect, but I now realize that a Higher Power can mean anything. My dad wouldn’t go to AA because of the Higher Power (so he said) so maybe I should go to Al-Anon and see how it goes.
I see now that my ego thought I was better than that. I didn’t need help. I had everything under control.
So, back to forgiveness. That’s my work for the holiday.
What an amazing post Erin. Forgiveness…such an important step to go through. I hat e to bring up the big Oprah..but she did just do a show on her life lessons about forgiveness and how letting it go frees you and makes you available for the next amazing things in your life. You’ve already got that figured out….what a great step.
“I hope” Ack.
I hoow Al-Anon will help you get where you want to go, Erin. Le sigh. I send you hugs, my friend. xox
Thanks all.
Alla, I’m just starting this journey. I have to forgive myself also. For taking advantage of him sometimes (the credit card), and for not being able to stop him from drinking. Love you too.
Nancy – I know you loved him. I love you too.
Kath – In retrospect all the independence was too much for me. I was too young. My Mom told me recently that when I moved up north with her I told her that I was coming because “I needed more structure”. I was 17 and I wanted more structure. That says a lot.
Ah, Erin. In many ways growing up I sort of envied you that independence…what I saw as unbridled freedom. But in reality, you had your dad’s car, his credit card, but you didn’t really have him. You’re right, our childhood events leave ripples throughout our lives, and sometimes it takes decades to acknowledge that and do something about it.
Oh Erin, it is sad indeed. I loved your father very much and as you know I love you too.
Wow Erin, thank you so much for sharing. I never really thought about how much you had to grow up to be there for him and Maddy. I really admire you being able to focus on the forgiveness. Love you