chrismukah in the country

my uncle Don is most definitely the most unique and bizarre members of my family. and trust me, we are quite good at unique and bizarre. He lives in Kingsport, Tennessee. and he’s Southern. y’all, he is sooo southern. i’ve known him my entire life and i still have to ask him to repeat things that get lost in his drawl.

He owns several car dealerships in East Tennessee. and two houses. his regular house, that he lives in with his wife Mary. and his pad. i promise you, you have never seen anything quite like this. it’s on a huge lot, all woody and beautiful. it’s almost cabin-y. but it’s huge. and it’s full of expensive antiques that i’m always afraid i’ll break. he has two giant tvs book-ending his fireplace….so he can watch two shows at once. and he’s got the same set up in the basement. the basement. where he has a urinal. and freakin’ urinal. and he makes his own moonshine. no, i’m NOT kidding. he makes moonshine and plays poker with his buddies.

now, during Chrismukah of 2000, i was largely pregnant with Emily. 7 months pregnant. and i was a massive whale of a thing. but uncle Don invited us out to come up to Kingsport on Christmas day. so, we obliged. you don’t say no to uncle Don. he’s is probably one of the most kind-hearted, beautiful-spirited people that have ever graced the earth. you don’t say no to him. so, we packed all our gear and headed to Don’s bachelor pad for a few days. my dad and stepmom. my grandfather and grandmother. my brother (rachel? i can’t remember if Rachel was there?) and my sister and her now-husband.

that was the year that the turkey deep-fryer came on the market. and uncle don, he just had to have him one. when we got there, he was fryin’ us up some turkey. now, i don’t eat turkey. and i sure as hell don’t eat fried turkey. ew. the thought of it alone makes me queasy. and you have to remember that i was pregnant. and there was no other food. i’m serious. he got so caught up in fryin’ his turkey, that he didn’t think through the rest of the meal.

so, i was 7-months pregnant and starving. Don took the men down to the basement to get ’em good and toasted. one shot of moonshine and they were all three sheets to the wind. maybe even four sheets. Then Don introduced us to Jackass. on both tv’s. while the Christmas music was blasted from all speakers. the first scene i watched was steve-o (was it steve-o, i can’t remember now) drinks the contents of a fishbowl. the water and the fish. and then puvkes it all back up into the fishbowl and the fish is still alive. cool party trick, eh? It was like a bad car accident for me. i didn’t want to look, but i couldn’t help myself. it was fascinating.

i raided Don’s cabinets to find something edible and came up with a package of Oreos and a box of froot loops. As i sat and ate through the entire package of Oreos (hey…at least then i was pregnant and hadn’t eaten all day), I couldn’t help by smile. My uncle Don. he’s just about at redneck as they come. he fries his turkey (sounds more like frahs). He drinks moonshine (sounds more like moonshahn). he’s a strong-willed republican. He drives a big ole’ pick up truck. he’s obsessed with stock car racing and antiquing. he loves Elvis and country music. he fits the steretype. but he’s amazing. he loves us all like we are his children. and he got so much pleasure out of having us up there.

and even though those few days that we were there were certainly miles from normal,  looking back on it, it was one of the nicest Chrismukahs ever! and it’s most certainly one i’ll never forget.

song of the day: Lips of an Angel by Hinder

come on over and say hi at Cheaper Than Therapy today. you can watch my daughter have herself a full-on temper tantrum, while i sit and videotape her. and giggle.