I was skimming the Huffington Post today and read the article about which type of cheating is worse – emotional or physical? First of all – they’re both crappy. But it was interesting to me that they categorized it into women can’t handle emotional cheating and men can’t handle the sex part. (then they went on to use the show Cheaters in their research – lost me a bit there).
It’s a topic to debate all right. We were discussing monogamy in my regular coffee shop this week. I explained my position on it – and I hope I don’t lose too many people over this. I truly think that we weren’t made to be monogamous for extended periods of time. I think that people used to marry at 13 and die at 25. It wasn’t a long time (and come on, back then if the Tudors is to be believed, everyone was pretty sexually open).
I think couples that remain monogamous today put a crap load of work into it because it’s not instinctual. I think it comes down to respect. Respect for themselves and for their partner. I think it’s in our makeup to want to be with other people…but it’s respect that keeps us from acting on it.
As far as men and women and emotional v physical? I somewhat agree with them but I feel either would be pretty hard to deal with. I’m a visual person – and the visual of my partner with someone else would be too hard for me to overcome I think. An emotional betrayal would be difficult as well, but maybe just maybe it could be worked through together?
Just curious what you guys think about this article and our ability to stay monogamous. It’s an endless topic to debate. And perhaps as a single woman, I’m not the best person to comment on it….
OMG, Anonymous… do we know each other? That’s exactly what I would have written. I totally agree. Not every marriage is as perfect as it seems to others.. and yes, you still see him/her as your best friend and you have a family together. However, the longer you’re together, the more you know about each other, and let’s be real, how many couples actually live the way they imagined it in the beginning. How many of us have time and the energy for a date night as often as we would like….. how many of us even have time to talk to each other every day. You just fall into a routine, and after a while you realize that the other person is perfectly content, and you’re not. You want to live, you want the excitemenet… you want to feel something again. You want that feeling when you kiss someone for the first time…. and things happen. We are human… and I agree, it’s not cheating unless you get caught. No one’s hurt, and it is possible, you just need to know who you’re cheating with, when, where and how….
We were not meant to be monogamous… why go against the nature?
It’s only cheating if you get caught. Perhaps it is city living and this does not happen much in rural communities but in the city I have observed and heard every story (including from doting husbands that tell their wife’s every day they that are committed and monogamous). Men and women cheat on each other when the right opportunities present themselves (quick drinks after work = quickies in the washroom, lunches in the stairwell, business trips etc). From what I’ve observed though, men tend to compartmentalize their feelings and pretend as if nothing happened after the physical act. They seem to be better actors… Women tend to get more emotionally involved and affairs last longer and have more risk. Cheating is alright as long as no one gets hurt (especially the children). It’s important too that whether you trust your partner or not that you convey that if they should ever slip up that they practice safe sex.
I’m with everyone else here. And Sara, that’s a good point about how short marriages would’ve been historically. These days you’re looking at 40, 50, 60 years! I also wonder: can you really separate out the two kinds of cheating? I mean, doesn’t physical cheating have an element of emotional betrayal in it too?
I don’t think monogamy is natural or instinctive, either. It is a lot of work, and it’s absolutely about respect. It’s a choice. My husband and I choose to respect each other and what we’ve built together by maintaining monogamy. That’s not to say we don’t look at other people, or fantasize about them. We ARE human, and he works at a university surrounded by 18 to 22 year old women. I mean, c’mon now! But that doesn’t mean that he, or I, would ever compromise what we have. It’s work, yeah. But it’s worth it 🙂
I agree with both you and anonymous! Monogamy doesn’t seem natural. It is hard work. But, the risks of cheating for the short-lived pleasure are not worth hurting people you love. Respect for your partner, your family and yourself is key.
I agree with your thinking. I don’t feel we are made to be monogamous. That being said, I’ve always thought affairs were pointless. You either decide you respect this person enough and enjoy their take on life or you don’t. Affairs are about the physical but would you respect that person enough to live with them for the rest of your life. I am sure I will always see a guy fleetingly whom I will totally think is hot but I don’t even know his personality. He might be a real flake! It takes a very certain combination of personality and physical chemistry for real staying power. Why mess with that? Is monogamy natural? I don’t think so. But if you have something special, hold on because it’s hard to find!
no – it doesn’t count when your wife KNOWS I’m your baseball wife…..
Is it cheating when you have a work wife/husband? Baseball wife?