This weekend we had a Celebration of Life service for my mom. Friends and family gathered to remember her and reminisce. We all knew that she was truly special but hearing about her from others who knew her either before I was born or in a way I didn’t was an amazing experience. Below you will see what I said at the Celebration of Life in honour of my mom.
My mom was diagnosed with nodular melanoma, a deadly form of skin cancer, in July of 2008. During the year that followed she went through a variety of different treatments, surgery and dozens of tests. She spent months away from her home on and off living at my house and traveling to the hospital, her life was turned upside down but never once did she waver in her commitment to live life fully.
I would like to tell you a little bit about our lives for the past year. Don’t worry, this is not a story of sorrow or of fear and loss, although we certainly experienced all of those things. My mom would never allow the last year of her life to be defined that way.
I admit that during the months I spent with my mom I tried to get inside her head. I couldn’t reconcile my own fear and sorrow when I hardly saw any in her. One day we were having a deep conversation and I asked her “if you could leave behind some advice, some words of wisdom what would they be”? First of all she said she would tell everyone she loved that she loved them. That’s my mom. Then she said she would tell everyone not to judge others, it only makes you miserable. And finally she told me “I would advise everyone to experience joy every day”.
I have thought about this obsessively since that day. Not only because at that moment I completely understood what she had been doing for the past year but I also understood how she had lived her life. My mom made a conscious decision each day to find joy. No matter how crappy things were JOY was there but only if you were willing to look for it.
Let me give you a few examples: In November 2008 we were told that my mom likely had weeks to live. Instead of being overcome by grief she gathered her whole family together, her husband, her children and grandchildren, for a huge family Christmas that was, as she herself described it, The Best of the Best.
In March, despite the spread of her disease, she traveled to the UK to relish in the joy of her new grandbaby. Throughout her illness she found JOY in the company of family and friends as well as in new relationships she built with her wonderful care providers. And when she was nearing the end of her life she insisted on moving back home so she could find joy gazing out her window at the view she so loved and checking on her bird friends, and resting peacefully surrounded by the familiar sounds of home.
One last thing I want to clarify. Many people have said to me “you girls have been amazing” or “you enabled her to keep her dignity”. But this is all wrong. She was the amazing one, unwaveringly strong and selfless. She was dignified but it was not because of me and my sisters. It was all her. She felt no shame in what was happening to her and we were honoured to offer her what loving support we could in her final months and days. It was an absolute privilege to have known her and even more of one to be loved by her.
what a lovely tribute! i love that you had a “celebration of life” for your mom. i think we should all erase “funeral” from the dictionary and replace it with Celebration! your mother was obviously a phenomenal woman and i am inspired by her grateful will to LIVE. may her spiritual presence always bring your family Joy!
Thank you for sharing your words about your mother. I attended the Celebration of Life, but thanks to slow traffic on the QEW, I was too late to hear you deliver them. Your mother was a special person and will be missed. Thank you for sharing her message of inspiration. Let us each look for the joy in life, every single day.
A very touching and heartfelt tribute. I am sure you delivered it beautifully and that your Mom is extremely proud of you.
Beautifully written and very true.
Oh Jen, that is so beautiful. I feel uplifted and inspired by your Mum’s words. Even though I didn’t know her, I am getting a strong sense of her essence from yours and Kath’s eloquent words.