I want to ask you something. It’s the unanswered question of the universe – along the lines of chicken/egg; caramilk secret; why tampons cost so much….
Can men and women truly be friends?
I’m just finishing the book One Day. I wanted to read it before I saw the movie…but now, I’m not going to see it. I’ve been starring in it for the last 15 years or so – without a crappy accent – so why bother.
(spoiler – if you haven’t read the book – sorry – the gist of it? The author revisits two people on the same day every year to see how their relationship(s) and lives are unfolding. It starts with one awkward night and moves forward with their friendship and love over the years. Emma is always pining for Dex but he can never truly realize what he has in front of him. Until where I got to last night….but I still don’t know how it ends).
In my case, it started exactly like Dex and Emma, with one awkward night leading to a discussion that we’d be better as friends. The first ten years after that, I waited for him to figure out that he was in love with me and not the string of random chicks I had to meet, or the wife that lasted a few years. All the while, I was the BFF, the rock, the person he’d go back to – the best girl. And I continued to have relationships of my own but in the back of my mind…I always wondered.
After years of this – suggestions that we share a house; jokes about him being my sperm donor, I layed it on the line. Are you interested in me being more than a friend or not? He wasn’t. Fine – move on Sara. But I told him to stop flirting with me in public, stop acting like a boyfriend and scaring off any other potentials. Instead, he avoided me like the plague.
After a few months, we got over it. Friendship resumed, my ego a little wounded but whatever. Cue the last few years when my focus was on a more important guy and our friendship took a bit of a back seat. We saw each other last at Christmas and the tables turned a bit. Out at a bar, a few drinks, and he seemed to look at me differently. At the end of the night he suggested going back to his place. I said no. I told him I didn’t need one night of awesomeness and then for him to retreat to the hills in the morning. He left and I went home feeling proud of myself for taking control for once. We’ve barely spoken since. I miss our friendship but I don’t miss the ‘will we/will we not’ rollercoaster.
In the book, Emma dumps her new boyfriend because Dex finally lays out his feelings for her (after being cheated on by his wife), I woke Will up with my ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EMMA’ yell. I put the book down and turned off the light – so don’t tell me what happens.
But then I lay in the dark thinking about it. Can men and women really be friends? I debated this with an uncle once who said no, that at least one of the two would always have an interest in the other. I disagreed. I have a TON of male friends – close friends but I’m not interested in them sexually and I’m assuming they’re not in me either. But is that naive?
What do you think? Can men and women ever have a deep friendship without one wanting the other? I hope so.
*I was once in another male/female friendship where the guys roommate said, ‘Will you two get it on already – if I want to see a guy and chick spend so much time together without action – I’d watch the X-Files.’ Hmmm we did end up dating and well, Scully and Mulder??*
You know I use to believe with every fiber of my being that women and men could have a great lasting friendship that was nothing but, However I have been proven time and time again that it is absolutely impossible.
In my situation it was always either I was interested in more and they were not or they wanted more and I did not………..but either way I have lost two really amazing guy friends simply because it just did not work with one wanting the other and the other not and I truly regret losing them because they were my world.
I also found it very hard to have male friends with my boyfriend because he hates all of them and even after 8 years and our 7 year old son, I remain friends only with the same sex just to save the sake of argument.
Yes, I believe that you can have a true friend of the opposit sex. I have one and I would not trade him for the world. We met when we were 17. He was there for me through my grizzly relationships as I was for him. If we were single, we would flirt, alot…but we were always honest with each other about the way we felt. In our early twenties we made a pack that if we were not married by 30 we would marry each other by default. However as 30 quickly approached we moved it to 35!!! I married my husband at the age of 31. My “male friend” did the toast to the bride. He met and married his wife several years later and I did a reading in the church. I am also slated to speak at his funeral. (He is planner). My husband likes him but they are not buddies…he is my friend, and I would not change that – ever!!!!
as a single person – this is hard- how to be friends with a married man (you were friends before) and how to just be friends with other single people of the opposite sex. Very hard.
We all need each other- it is so wonderful to have that other perspective and viewpoint and humour and broad shoulders and cute ass and deep voice and
ok it is hard to just be friends
and I think too Laura – because you tried it and it didn’t work…you’re probably good! In my case I think it’s the fear of ruining the friendship that is holding us back…yet now it seems to be ruined anyway! Ah life!
I don’t normally comment on this but it has hit home for me lately! I had an amazing guy best friend, he was more like a brother and was the boyfriend of my best friend. They broke up and we remained friends however everyone tried to assume there was something between us. We thought we would try and see where things went and it ended up ruining our friendship. I got married (still am) and have recently reconnected with my old friend. My husband makes jokes every once and a while about our friendship but does not want anything to do with him as a friend. I find I am torn at times but am convinced that I am not going to lose the friendship again (he truely is like a big brother that I can tell anything too and know he has my best interest at heart!) Am I nieve I don’t think so! I think it can be done as long as there is open communication!
I think that’s awesome Jennifer – and I do think it’s possible – maybe not with all. It’s true though – everyone always tries to make something of it….I think they want a fairy tale.
I’m bummed to hear so many people think a friendship between a man & a woman isn’t possible. I have a great friend…a fabulous mix of girly understanding and tell it like it is manness…We’re like brother and sister…laugh a lot and enjoy hanging out. But everyone keeps trying to make something more out of it…as if its a destiny thing to have to hook up. We’re both married and have travelled with our spouses and as long as it never goes “there”. I hope to have him as a lifelong friend.
Very tricky conversation. I have a guy best friend now …but we attempted to date once upon a time and we both had different needs and wants at the time. Since deciding that we made better friends I eventually married (still am) as did he (he divorced with in a year) and has dated a string of not so great women. I am always there for him and thankfully my hubby is not the jealous type so he approves of our friendship. But ….all that said, there have been times over our 15 year friendship where I wondered what might have happened if we had both been in a different state of mind or what ever. But I don’t think we would have lasted and then I probably would not still be his friend. We continue to be good friends and sounding boards with our troubles and I think it is possible.
And ps…Mulder and Scully eventually did hook up….(was and am a big fan of the show)….they did have a baby in the last season. Even in the movie (2008) they are still together.
I agree with all of you. I had so many close guy friends before I was married – my best friends, but still different from girlfriends. Occasional issues of chemistry would arise, but never anything that ruined our friendships.
And Dave Matthews? Oh. Yes.
I agree with Dave, but I love Dave so how could I not 🙂
I think at some point in time if you have a ‘friend’ connection, it will lead to something more. It always happened that way for me…never could maintain the ‘just a
friend’ status without one or the other wanting more…
I love Dave Matthews. That is all.
Someone just sent me this quote – “A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever” ~ David J. Matthews
Thought it was very interesting….that Dave Matthews …what a dude.
Now that I’m married I have a lot of dude acquaintances but no close friends. My best bud was a guy who introduced me to my husband, but now I’m better friends with his wife. Weird.
I agree with Julie – 100% 🙂
i grew up believing that and still do. serious bone of contention with hubby, tho’. he thinks all men want “in” and i’m being naive as well. maybe i just see people as people and not as what they do or don’t have in their pants.
Remember When Harry Met Sally? Here’s the scene where he explains why they can’t be friends.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk
This is where he amends the theory
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuSyX2d1tbY
I think they can be friends if they have common interests, just like any other friendship. But it will be different than girlfriend relationships.
Scully & Mulder did have a thing for one another though..didn’t they?