Yesterday my baby boy turned 4. At the risk of sounding cliche, where did those four years go? All of a sudden, instead of being a student, a professional, or the young mother of two babies, I’m now the verging-on-matronly mom of two children. Recently, with a child in each hand, I walked by a mirrored wall and did a double take upon seeing my reflection – was that me? I didn’t recognise myself.
In my mind and heart, I still think of myself as 21, wandering around McGill campus with a backpack, unlined skin and the world as my oyster. The beautiful evolution of my kids into fully grown people is in some ways, a harsh bucket of cold water on my fantasy; as my mom persona solidifies, my former student/pseudo-bohemian persona fades into the distance.
I think I’m okay with it. At Indian events, I’m commonly referred to by the under-twelve set as "Auntie". At my son’s school, I’m known only as his mum. Same goes at his activities and at the park. I’m down with it…most of the time. Sometimes, though, that little part of me sneaks out that wants to be that carefree, Doc Marten-wearing Lit major again. I indulge that urge with an extended latte on Queen Street or by purchasing books I’ll possibly never have time to read at Book City and piling them next to my bed. On a tangent, my attention span at the end of the day can only handle Us Weekly and recoils at the prospect of weighty literature. Books – big, heavy, hard to read in bed. Us Weekly – light as a feather as it delicately rests on my torso. My, how I’ve digressed….
Back to my discussion on aging: so, I’ve come to terms with my new role, my new reflection in the mirrored wall. But, I’m not ready to give up my cafe alter ego just yet. I’m keeping my black turtlenecks ready to go when the urge hits. Maybe you can join me for a latté and we could chat about Foucault – for old times sake.
I still feel like I’m 25 and I often wonder how I got here. lol – I still think it’s hilarious when someone calls me ma’am…I’m turning around wondering who they’re talking too; and when did they stop asking me for ID at the liquor store?!
if it makes you feel better…i still feel like i’m 16 and in high school 🙂
I remember as a kid when my mom turned 40 and I said to her “how does it feel to be old?”. How patiently she responded that she felt no different than she ever did because she would always be herself. I was completely confused but now totally understand.
What shocks me is that I see my children becoming what I always thought I would be forever – full of possibility and potential. Not that I am still not that but now it is their turn and what I want is secondary. By my own choosing. Since when did I become old enough to have big kids?
Why don’t we all just take a day and stay arm’s length from the mirror and go dancing! See you on Wednesday!
Hey Amreen…can you give me back my brain? Seems like we’ve been on the same wavelength lately. I’ve spent the last year or so coming to terms with the “I can always…” things I used to cherish that now read, “I may never…”
I may never go to grad school after all.
I may never go to New Zealand after all.
I may never move to Ireland after all.
I may never write a book after all.
I may never go back to teaching after all.
You get the picture. I understand now that my youth so full of possibility was a priceless gift (thanks Mom & Dad), but sometimes I do mourn a little bit for that young woman who had her whole life ahead of her…choosing which roads to follow based on passion & curiosity, knowing I could always choose a new path later on. Now I see fewer forks in the road, as I endeavour to offer the same gift of possibility to my own daughters.
Sigh. Let’s grab a coffee at MNO and reminisce about the good old days! (BTW, Kill McGill! I am a proud Golden Gael)