Being Unreasonable

“Your crazy is showing.”

It’s phrase I use sometimes with myself when I know I’m being unreasonable about something. I’d actually like to choose a different word than crazy, but haven’t settled on the right one (suggestions?).

What it means to me is that we all have ideas, thoughts, desires, etc., that we know are crazy, unreasonable, untrue, etc. Those thoughts that say we’re unloveable because we’re ten pounds over our ideal weight. When we think our partner may not love us (despite year of evidence that they do) because of one offhand comment or perceived slight.

If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, they’ve seen your crazy. They know your particular brand of unreasonable thoughts, and hopefully know how to help you hide the crazy away, or better yet, eliminate them entirely.

Some friends will have seen your crazy too, but it seems like the deep dark insecurities and irrationalities are saved for our long time partners. Having not dated, I have no experience exposing my crazy to new people on a regular basis.

Until now. Opening up our marriage to a third person hasn’t just meant opening up our bedroom doors, but opening up our minds too. If my partners do or say something I have a problem with, I can’t simply talk it over with my husband alone. We are in this together, and discussions need to be open for this to work fairly for all. If I have a request, such as not wanting them to go to certain restaurant together or be “out” in front of a certain person, I need to discuss it with both of my partners, not just my husband. There’s no hiding the crazy.
Wanting to be fair to everyone has meant knowing I need to share my issues, even if they do shine a big spotlight on my insecurities. But in the end, I see the good in it. I now have two people who can help me see how silly it is to worry about my weight excessively or get worked up over the fact that they like the same music that I don’t.

A side effect about being more talkative about my issues with our new partner is that I’m finding it easy to have more authentic and honest conversations with other people in my life, like my friends. Turns out, there’s a lot more crazy in all of us than we would normally admit.