I feel really weird writing this post. Kinda strangely exposed and all vulnerable-like. I guess I don’t tend to reveal my insecurities often which might explain why some people have actually accused me of not having any (as if).
There are certain things I know about myself, certain strengths I posses and am confident about. I know I am smart. I know I have good ideas. I know I can be interesting and funny and confidently stand up for what I believe in. I know I can take on pretty much any bully. I hang my hat on all of these things, hold my head high and feel good about myself.
But something happened during the holidays that made me realize that I still have some insecurities that trip me up. My husband and I were at a very fun holiday party at a friend’s home. We were all decked out in our party clothes and ready for a night of holiday cheer. There was great food, a stocked bar, dancing and great company. As I was standing chatting with a group, one of my friend’s husbands was refilling his drink at the bar. He turned to me and said, “Hey Jen. How do you always manage to look so beautiful?” Nice, right? I should have blushed coyly and thanked him for his compliment, don’t you think? But I didn’t. Not at all. Want to know why? Because I instantly assumed it was a joke. I instantly felt that he was teasing me.
Here I was surrounded by all of these little blonde babes in their tight designer outfits and I am supposed to believe he really thought that I looked beautiful? It’s not that I think I am ugly, I don’t. It is not that I think I am fat, I am not. But surrounded by these tiny, pretty ladies I guess I just don’t think I can measure up. So, my response was dripping in sarcasm, “I guess it is just my natural state of being.” Ugh. Arrogant but really defensive and pathetic.
What is wrong with me? Even if he was teasing me (which of course I am still convinced he had to have been…you should see his wife) I should have simply said “thank you” and smiled. And if he was mocking me and making fun wouldn’t that be incredibly mean? And this guy doesn’t seem mean. So, maybe he was actually being nice and paying me a compliment. But that is impossible because it would mean that he actually thought I was beautiful and that just doesn’t make sense.
I have been thinking about this a lot. I have this hang-up that unless I am 5’4″ and 110lbs I can not be beautiful. My husband is always telling me I am beautiful but he has to, right? I know some of it has to do with my height. But, the truth is, none of it is rational.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I am almost 40 years old! I want to accept myself as a beautiful tall woman but even writing that makes me feel weird. I want to be all Fiona in Shrek accepting and loving myself despite being an ogre. I know I am not alone and am amazed at the beautiful women I know who are less than satisfied with their looks. I want it to change. I just have to figure out how.
What about you? Do you have any insecurities that get in your way?
(P.S. – I was going to put a picture in this post but, hey, you all know what I look like.)