I’m struggling with what to write about these days. The problem is that I’m unsure of who my audience is. Are you reading this blog because you’re poly and want to hear my thoughts on some of the highlights and challenges? Are you wondering whether the poly lifestyle, or a swinging one, is an option for you? Are you simply curious about how it all works?
I’d like to hear from you. Post your questions or thoughts!
Confused about Copyright policies from sites that let you ‘digg’ articles?
The information presented is top notch. I’ve been doing some research on the topic and this post answered several questions.
My friend bookmarked this web page for me and I have been going through it for the past several hours. I like the way you write.
Thank you very much for your input Reese. I really got a lot out of reading the article. However, it doesn’t change the way I feel at the moment. I spoke to my husband about my feelings and he reassured me that I am his priority in life and he is just having fun at the moment. The problem is, I don’t remember the last time we had fun. Just like the article says, we have history, a family, finances, etc. they have sex, dinner and go to the movies right now. It is easy for them while it is not easy for me.
I truly like this woman. She is sweet, intelligent, funny and the list goes on but I am quite insecure at the moment. I know that this is temporary but I hate the feeling in the pit of my gut every time they get together. They have a date tonight and I am home with our kids. We went our for our date night last week and we were home by 9 and my husband was asleep by 9:10. I know for a fact that he is able to stay awake when he is with her. My husband is the type of man who can fall asleep standing. It takes him 30 seconds once he is horizontal. I know that I am not that exciting right now because of my insecurities but really???
Needless to say, Thursday is the Hallmark holiday of the year. My husband proposed to me many years ago on that day so it does mean something to me. He proposed in front of our children who were hopped up onc Hershey Kisses (quite funny actually). It was perfect. However, this year I just don’t feel like doing anything. Originally I had planned a romantic dinner (the kind of evening that is difficult when you have kids) at a friend’s place (they gave me the key as they are away). Unfortunately, I am not even remotely interested in doing this anymore.
I know that there are growing pains in any relationship and I have never been the jealous type before. I guess there is a first time for everything.
Marcie,
What your husband seems to be experiencing is called New Relationship Energy. If you spend some time googling this, you can see it can have negative impacts on the existing partner in poly. Here’s a great article I found: http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/10617/new-relationship-energy-pitfalls-polyamory-drifts-out-of-comfort/
In it the writer says: “We just must always remember the central relationship at the heart. On the advice of my poly guru Shira B. Katz, we’re going to start scheduling our date nights, because it’s so easy to forget about your primary relationship when you’ve got so much “else” in your life.
The primary relationship can, I think, give up a little energy need to the new ones temporarily. To allow for that initial rush of NRE to come, hit hard, do its thing, and then move along. Because NRE has a bit of a short shelf life, and as soon as you’ve popped the top, it already moves into decline.
And at that point the scales balance again, and comfort is re-obtained.”
I think you need to talk to your husband and very clearly identify your needs, while understanding what he’s feeling right now.
On another note, you may want to think a lot more about the future of things with this specific woman. Because eventually it’s probably not going to be “just physical.” And if it grows into something more, you may have agreed on your “veto” power, but what will that to do him, and how he feels towards you, if you use it? The idea of a veto is very common for those new to poly, but those more experienced avoid it and most actively dislike it, as it implies that the third person you’re welcoming into your relationship is disposible.
I too am more interested in the personal side of things. Do you anticipate making your girlfriend a permanent part of your relationship? What if one of you wants to break up with her, but the other doesn’t? Do you ever get jealous if your gf and husband choose to have a “date” without you and does your husband get jealous if the reverse is true? I am in awe of your ability to juggle two relationships, when I have trouble keeping only one partner happy! How did you meet your third partner? How do you broach the subject of whether they’d like to be an extra partner in a preexisting family? Do you ever have extra-marital relationships that your husband disapproves of? Do you always choose females as your extra partners? How would your husband feel if you chose a man? Is their a difference in jealousy with man vs woman?
Just a few of my questions!!! 🙂
My husband and I recently started dabbling in the poly world. It started with a very good friend (male) and I with my husband. Nothing went on between the men it was all about me. The physical aspect has ended by my choice but our friendship has remained the same. As a mother of 3, having anything to do with only me is absolutely amazing. Recently, my husband has started his own relationship with my blessing with a wonderful woman. I have yet to be part of their physical relationship as I am 10 years older than her and in the process of getting my body back into shape. They have been together numerous times and each time I am invited but decline for now.
I have had serious issues with jealousy as my husband is not the most romantic or sensitive person when it comes to what I need or want. He is the most amazing husband and father but lacks in the romance area. This being said, I am don’t make it easy for him either. I work full time, take care of my kids (no help) and the list goes on. I don’t have a second to myself and when asked by my husband, “what would you like to do?” I tell him nothing because I don’t want to make anymore decisions about the day or night or weekend. I want him to surprise me. Call me at work and say, “straighten your hair, we are going out for dinner.” Are kids are older now and don’t need a babysitter so the options are opening up to us to get out more. Financially we are restrained but going out doesn’t need to cost a lot.
The reason for all this preamble is recently he took his “friend” out for her birthday to my favourite restaurant and took her back to her place for an evening of… For my birthday which wasn’t that long ago, he asked me what I wanted to do so I told him have dinner with our family and then the rest is up to you. It ended at dinner with our family. We have been together for over a decade and he still doesn’t get it. He has done more for me than most men do for their wives in a lifetime and I know that but it is the little things that he lacks. The things I need most which he gave very easily to somoen else. Again, I am very happy that she is in our lives. For me as a friend for now and for him… However, the rules were simple, I always come first.
Granted, she is single with very little baggage so it is easy to just have fun. We have lots of baggage. So now my issue is do we continue with this new lifestyle or end it before it hurts us? My husband is so happy and relaxed that I don’t want that to change but I am not right now. He tells me that what he has with her is purely physical and he will end it at any time that I feel that it is interfering with us. This is a very odd place to be right now.
Thoughts???
I guess I would like to hear the more personal story, and how you and your husband overcame any issues. What happened after the first experience? Was there ever a situation where you did not agree with the person the other was with?
I want to hear your story. Details of your life. Not just the facts. How did it come to pass? What is it like now? The personal story.