As of tomorrow, I will have lived a quarter of my life without my mom physically being here with me. And it feels terrible. I think that overall I’ve dealt really well with the hand we were dealt. I miss my mom every single day but I recognize that to dwell on it and be sad all the time would be a disservice to her and my dad and the work they put into their youngest. So I live my life and it’s a good one, my heart just has a permanent hole in it, but it still beats. Lately though I’ve been sad…very sad. And I ache for her. Even more so than I did in the year after she died.
I think the obvious reason is Will. Not just the fact that I want her here to share him with me (and to whip the little terror into shape) but because I understand now. I understand how hard it must have been for her to know she wouldn’t be here to look after us. How hard it must have been for her to be SO strong while she was dying…for us. I thought I got it but I didn’t.
In knowing this now and understanding, I can also forgive myself for something that I’ve been beating myself up over for the past decade. After my mom’s brain surgery, when we knew there was very little hope, we all took turns going to see her. I walked in that recovery room, put my head on her chest and started to bawl. For me. Every statement out of my mouth for the next 5 minutes was all about me. For years, I picture it and shake my head and think you selfish, selfish little brat. ‘Who is going to help me with my babies?’ ‘Who is going to teach me to cook?’ ‘Who is going to …???’ In her time of greatest sadness…it was all about me. And she played with my hair and told me that she had already shown me how to do everything and that she knew she would never have to worry about me.
And now I have Will. And I get it. I understand that even though to me my reaction was selfish, it let her be who she was…a mother. Who else would I go to at my time of greatness need but her?
I know now that she wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. If something happens to me, I’d only want to assure Will that it would all be okay and just be his mommy. How do I know?
I learned from the best.
Thanks for this Roberta….. the one thing that jumped out at me was that Fraser and Toran ‘only had your dad’ – after what I’ve learned about your dad – he sounds like 10 grandparents rolled into one!!!
Tears in my eyes Sara…My mom died when Fraser was 18 months old and Toran
was just going into grade one…My children only had one grandmother for that
short period of time and then only my dad after that. And my mom was an amazing grandmother to the older cousins…I really hope I can be there for my children’s children if I am blessed with grandchildren. I think extended family is so important
for children…but grandmothers teach so many life lessons and they love their
grandchildren so unconditionally. I think I just kind of always sucked up our circumstances. Not necessarily healthy, but my way of handling it. I know
I believed that if I mothered just like her, and she had taught me well, that all
would be well, and part of that is true…but in reflection, I wish I had kind of forced myself on some of our extended family a little more so that my kids would have learned about that “unconditional love” that is family and the values that are family, but distance made that so difficult…financially etc…So I thought that we could do it all…and we couldn’t…so what I’m saying is…keep doing what you’re doing and keep making sure that many extended family are in Will’s life…I wish I had done that more…that being said, it’s never too late, and I’m also thankful that my children have learned in the last while what amazing families they have, and
how much their family value and love them. Our visit at Thanksgiving gave
both of my children an incredible boost. I believe that is when I finally understood how truly important extended family is in this big wide world.
I guess as I’m technically your aunt, I end up giving advice or reinforcing what
you’re doing as a supportive gesture! That’s my role in the scheme of it all!! You are just very good at involving friends and family in your life, and I really admire that, and want to say to keep it up. Obviously, it doesn’t replace what you are
missing, but you are walking down the right road, and your mom would be the first to say that.
PS…Your mom was always amazing with my children when she came to visit. Talk
about an unconditional love she had for her extended family… They weren’t her
own grandchildren, but she made sure they felt as special as she would make
her own grandchildren feel. She was a wonderful mother, aunt, and sister in law.
She always made the decision that family came first in any situation I was in with her. I always admired that about her. She once told Dennis when he was
complaining about my dad, that he was his father in law and that he would
just have to get along with him because he was family. Dennis never looked
back after that advice, and my father adored Dennis to the end of his life!! Best
advice Dennis ever got was from your mom!! She didn’t pull any punches. She
told it as she saw it and she was always right!!
Sara,
I’ve got the teary eyes too. What a beautiful post. Although I don’t know exactly how you felt and feel, I can relate it to my experience with Madeleine and hearing about your healing will help me with mine.
Thank you for sharing.
xoxo
Erin
Bawling…always know when you smile at your “holy terror” in delight for all the great things he does that you taught him. That your mom is right there smiling with you and that she is very proud of the mother you have become…you are a beautiful woman,friend , sister & mom and she is part of you that has made you that way…I know losing a mother can’t be compared to losing my “yiayia” but I have no idea how she took care of me and my siblings while my parents worked…crazy…they don’t make us like they used too….
Hugs
c
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Wow.
You’ve articulated this part of your healing perfectly.
Your mom would be so proud of you for the life you have built for yourself and your beautiful boy knowing she gave you the foundation on which to build it.
Great post.
xox
Sara- this is lovely and I am having watery eyes as I read this. my mom still takes care of me in many ways- and I feel guilty about it too. We all do what you did- you WERE showing her love and how much you needed her and how important she was to you and that would be music to her ears. You gave her a chance to comfort you and tell you that you have everything you need and that is wonderful. She would be so very proud of you. Actually she IS very proud of you. And I just love this gorgeous picture of the two of you. x nancy-hoping tomorrow is not too tough for you.
Thanks Jo – but wait a second…what do you mean Will will grow up and have his own family? You think I’m letting him out of my sight? …:)
Sara, I was in tears reading your blog today. I lost my dad 11 years ago and went through the same feelings and emotions. Who would walk me down the aisle when I got married? My future children wouldn’t have a grandpa to play with and other selfish thoughts. But you are so right when you say that we go to our parents for comfort, and I don’t think it matters how old we are. I’m fortunate that I still have my mom to lean on and she still makes me call her to let her know I got home safely. We’ll always be our parent’s child, just like Will will still be your little boy even when he’s a grown man with a family of his own.
Oh Sara. I so, SO totally hear you. I did the same thing a few times. I just couldn’t be strong anymore and needed comfort from my mom. She was there for me, strong and loving, reassuring me that it was all within me. That now it was my time to walk, head held high with confidence, on my own. That is the greatest gift, isn’t it? Knowing that everything she was to us we now give to our children? But the need for her doesn’t go away. And the need to be a daughter, someone’s little girl, and to have the comfort of one’s mother’s loving arms is as strong as always.
I am thinking of you as we travel this journey side by side, the sisterhood of motherless mothers. xo
Thanks so much Amber..
I’m sure your mom would be (is) very proud of you. This brought tears to my eyes. So sorry…