My apologies to Haley-O who has been totally supportive to this new blogger on the urban mom’s team because I’m about to slide a little into her corner. I’m beginning with some gossip, although since it’s all over the front pages of every tabloid, I do not think it is new gossip. Angelina has adopted another child, a four year old boy from Vietnam. I’d love to say congratulations but I’m stuck with huh? and how? How did she manage to do it when the country has been closed to us?
Mr. Husband and I have been shuffling through the adoption world for the last year. The gaffer was a bit of a one hit wonder, a wonderful one hit wonder, but a solo act nonetheless and we’ve been trying to adopt another baby. We had begun exploring adoption before we had the gaffer, because we were told repeatedly that she would never happen. At that time we were looking into domestic, private adoption. Then our baby, and me I guess, defied all the odds and we were blessed with our littlest. Her arrival at 27 weeks was just as surprising as her conception and necessitated so much medical assistance that we knew there would be no more birth miracles for us. By the time she was six months old, I also knew that although I was so greatful for the miracle of her, my family wasn’t finished.
This time however, Mr. Husband and I thought we would pursue international adoption. We wanted to adopt as young as possible because we did not think it fair to the gaffer to adopt a child older than her. We decided to go about it by starting with a reputed agency and then investigating the countries which it represents. We signed up with a foundation based in Ottawa which specializes in adoptions in Asian countries. We were not eligible for a baby from China because Mr. Husband has 4 children. We were disqualified from our second choice, Korea, because one of us (not me) would be 45 before the adoption would be complete, thus aging us out of the programme. We applied for Vietnam, a programme that had been closed in Canada and was just about to re-open. It opened several months after anticipated and closed again shortly after that. Apparently the Vietnamese officials were not prepared for the number of families hoping to adopt from their country and closed the programme for an additional 9-12 months while they sorted everything out. Our file hadn’t even made it to their country when they announced the moratorium.
I cried and Mr. Husband and I re-evaluated our options. We decided to put our energies back into domestic adoption so that at least we felt like we had some control and input in the process. Those feelings of course are just an illusion but it’s an illusion that gives me hope. So, for the last month we have been composing a "Dear Birth Mother Letter" hoping that some woman somewhere who chooses not to parent her baby or does not feel that she can parent her child will pull our letter which really looks like a bizarre family-for-sale brochure out of the pile of all the other letters and choose us. Once the letter is done and our wonderful graphic artist friend puts all the pictures together for us, we go around the province meeting with licensees hoping that they have met the woman for whom we are a perfect match. Some of the professionals we have met have been optimistic for us, some pessimistic. The overall message is the same. It could happen this month, next month, or never. Only 200 private adoptions a year are completed in Ontario.
And now today, as I walk into a medical clinic hoping to leave one of our letters in case someone who might like to meet us comes into the clinic, I see an "US" magazine on a table and find out that although Vietnam has been closed to us, it is apparently open to Angelina. A woman who can have her own children and chooses not to! Not that I think people who can conceive and carry their own babies should be ineligible for adoption, I’m just bitter for today.
I was about to write a whole list of famous seemingly irresponsible parents who don’t seem to be having much trouble either conceiving or adopting but Mr. Husband – the lawyer – just reminded me that although a good rant may make me feel better, it is probably not legally prudent.
I want to put a sign up on the lamp post in front of our house. Nestled among 1-800-JUNK and Tap Dancing for Tots, I’d love to tape up a neon poster that says simply "GIVE ME YOUR BABY!" If you don’t want it, don’t want to care for it, hit it, or don’t feed it, let us have it…him, her. We will love your baby. We have a whole house full of people who will love your baby.
I do think Angelina’s children are very lucky. From what we can tell through the media, she seems to love them very much and is trying to provide a wonderful home for them. Maybe I should write to her and see if she can help me adopt. I just hope Canada is not on her international hit list. I don’t think that is a tabloid headline I will be able to get over with a blog and a good night’s sleep.
Patience is a virtue. Bet you are sick of hearing that! I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
I find adoption an amazing thing. I have always thought that on Mother’s Day we should all make a point of some how honoring the women who give up their children for adoption. That may be difficult to do since so many women who choose this option keep the decision secret from people who care about them. Maybe we can all just take a moment to remember them on that day.
What a difficult decision that must be, and what a selfless one. I have a very dear friend who had an unplanned pregnancy early in her life and gave up her child for adoption. Mother’s Day is always a bitter sweet day for her.
gosh – i was so touched by your blog. i think the celebrity mirror that the tabloids provide us with is so unhealthy. Always bombarded with their physical and now parenting achievements – not good for our self esteem. Good luck with your journey – i hope you get there.
Wow…it sounds lame but it’s really the only word to describe your post! I think you’ve completely captured the feeling that I (and loads of other people) have had about the recent rash of celeb adoptions of third world countries. It doesn’t seem 100% right, but how can you object when a child gets what is so obviously a real step-up in life? This is just another layer of not-quite-right in the whole phenomenon.
it baffles me that power that people with power have.
what an amazing post. most people think, wow, it’s so great that she’s adopting a child that needs a home…they don’t actually think about the families who CAN’T have babies that angelina and other celebs are pretty much “taking” away their shot at having a baby.
My eyes are blurred by tears, Elizabeth. I can feel your pain and completely understand your anger. So many children are neglected and hurt and here is a loving home (and there are many, many more) who would willingly care for and love one of these children. Although I was fortunate enough to have two healthy children naturally I did feel after the first that I was not finished and our family was incomplete. I can not imagine the heartache if I was not able to have my second, whether biological or otherwise. The wait must be unbearable at times.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so honest.
Wow, you have an incredible story, Elizabeth. I hope your wishes for another child come true!! And, no apologies necessary (of course!). I loved what you did here with the Angelina story. Amazing to hear your side. In fact, a lot of people are angry that Angelina’s getting away with this adoption. Many are calling it an “illegal” adoption because she’s not married to Brad — and they don’t allow unmarried couples to adopt in Vietnam. As I said in my post on Wednesday, she’s adopting the child alone — only her name is present on the papers; so, she’s adopting as a single parent. It’s pretty crazy. And, indeed, it’s very unfair. I hope lots of people read this piece you wrote here because it’s so important and so heartfelt. Thank you so much for sharing!