Is it just me or are there days where one minute you are the rockin’ queen of motherhood and then boom! you’re on your ass like you’ve never encountered a child in your life. This doesn’t happen much with The Gaffer because no matter how many temper tantrums she is throwing while hiding under the gumball machine at Fabricland, she is still too darn cute and I have mastered that shruggy, "what are ya gonna do?" conspiratorial look for anyone who dares glance sideways. No, it’s the 11 to 13 year old crowd I am having trouble with. Just as I pat myself on the back for the laid back attitude I’ve managed to fake all through the March Break with chocolate bar snacks and pop, the fantasy comes to an end and there is yelling and recriminations and bedroom sending and general discontent.
Some of it I chalk up to end of the week anxiety as a holiday comes to an end and school looms 24 hours away. Some may be a result of the fact that the week long retreat for three of us morphed into a weekend for 5. Not that we were unhappy to see them, on the contrary, we were all thrilled that daddy and a sister were joining us, but somehow that just didn’t manifest itself in our behaviour. No one would have believed that the stepmama and Sir Talksalot had had an absolutely fabulous week if they had seen us on Saturday or Sunday. Driving home Sunday afternoon, I had difficulty believing it myself. I even required long distance phone therapy with a very old and wisened girl-friend (old in terms of the friendship, 41 years, and I guess age, if you are foolish enough to think that 41 is old). But much of it is the same old dance over adult gives instructions, child does not follow, adult gets annoyed, child gets defensive and in my case, adult feels like she’s gone about it all the wrong way, even though it was the child who broke the rule, or didn’t perform the chore or whatever the infraction. So I spend the rest of the last day of the holiday wondering if this is normal? Does anyone else feel worse than their child appears to after that child has gotten in trouble? Our morning altercation, over nothing more than the standard family type arguements, ruined my day and soured the end of our holiday.
I know I get upset about too many things. I am a bit controlling and like things organized and in their place. I expect rules to be followed and people to do what is asked of them. I understand that the very nature of children means that this will not happen all the time, but how about sometimes? How do you know when to let it go or if it’s a sign of worse and more disrespectful behaviours to come if it’s not nipped in the bud now? Is there a professional out there who can live with me every day and tell me what is normal and what should be a cause for concern? Do I worry too much? Does Mr. Husband worry too little?
I know that when I get the pictures developed (the digital died) and we look at them and laugh, all of this will be behind us and forgotten. But I also know that it will happen again.
Oh, the eternal question…how to choose which battles to pick? Which are the “small things” that we’re not supposed to “sweat”? And which are the behaviours that, left unchecked evne once, will turn our progeny into sociopathological monsters doomed to a life of distruction and maternal shame?
I go through it every day. Too bad my husband and I disagree so frequently on the criteria!
Ah, yes, Elizabeth. Nothing like a little mother’s guilt and self-doubt to dampen your spirits! I often catch myself wondering what I could have done differently when I was not the one to spill/hit/scream/whine/etc. in the first place. I also worry…often…especially about one of my kids, that certain behaviours or attitudes are here to stay and are a sign of terrible things to come. You are not alone in this.
I did, however, consult the wisest of wise women (my mom) who assures me every time that I, my children’s mother, actually have very little to do with the people my children turn out to be. That as long as I love them they will pretty much be who they are. Hmmmm…why then am I spending so much time worrying about all of this? My mom’s response, so that you can enjoy being a grandma.