Lately death has been a big topic around here. The “Am I going to die”, question originally started a few months ago. Out. Of. Nowhere. Nobody we know died. We dodged fielded the question and then moved on, or so we thought.
Yesterday John told me that the subject had resurfaced. I asked how he responded and he told me he said it wouldn’t happen for a very long time.
Tonight, while getting ready for bed, Sophie says, “Mom, I don’t want to die.”. Fiona picked up the refrain. “Are we going to die?”, “I don’t want to die”, “Why to people die?”. Oi! What do you say?
My response was that usually people die when they are old and that everyone dies eventually. That brought on more discussion of whether or not they were old. I assured them that they were not.
Later, in bed, I thought Fiona was asleep and was just about to sneak out when she popped up and said, “When I was a teeny, tiny baby, was I too young to die?”. Oi! I assured her that she was and she snuggled down and went to sleep.
The thing is, I was lying. I did say usually, but that’s not even true. Plenty of people die young. Infants, children, teens, young adults, middle aged adults…all before their “time”.
I know this is a normal part of growing up and development but I’m having a hard time dealing with it. After Maddy died I read all sorts of stuff (’cause that’s what I do, read & research), Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s On death and dying , Death: The Final Stage of Growth (didn’t finish, now added to long reading list) , and “The Tibetan Book of the Dead”. I was searching for answers because, &*%$& it, death is extra hard when you don’t believe in heaven.
I’ve come to think that our culture generally avoids the issue of death. “Ours is a death-denying society. We hide it behind the sterile walls of the hospital and the cosmetic mask of the funeral home.” We don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t.
How do you answer these questions with your kids?
Oi is right. I read Kubler Ross’s book after my mom died as well – and I loved it. I’ve found that by being with my mom as she took her last breath – I’m so not afraid of dying anymore – my whole thinking/fear of death is gone. I still have serious issues surrounding who dies etc…but …well I think you know what I mean.
I’m not sure how you handle it with kids though. I’m hoping to be really honest with Will and explain that you just never know and it’s just a good reason to live your life now and don’t waste time. I think that by unfortunately losing my mother, I can use that as a speaking point with him when he’s older and the time is right.
I hate that your daughter is even thinkign about it though!
I know the struggle, lady. We have a very old dog in the house these days, and my MIL is fighting cancer… when the topic comes up, I try to be as a matter of fact about things, but I do tend to “lie” if I know the answer will only lead to more worry. There’s a differnce in the questioning, if he’s really just wondering about something, or if he’s fretting. Often I say something like, “Sure I’m going to die. You will too one day… but not today. Not for a REALLY long time! We’re all going to be very, very old.” Of course I have no way of knowing that for certain, but I don’t need my seven-year-old to have panic attacks and wet the bed either.
We don’t discuss the “what comes after” part very often. I admit to him that I’m just not sure… I don’t believe in heaven either, but I’m leaving it alone until I’m really hard pressed to give an answer. I say “I don’t know” to a lot of questions.
Le sigh.
Oh Erin. So tough. I have been talking about Grandma with my 2 year old recently and trying to explain why we don’t see her. She doesn’t even begin to understand death but your 2 are definitely getting to the age where they understand it. There are loads of resources about talking to children about dying on the internet and some really good books as well. I would just want to start and ask them why they are asking and what they think about dying. Get them to lead you always helps to understand first where it may be coming from but second what they already know. Sometimes it is so much more than you think and they end up answering their own questions. You are right though we are a death denying society which is what creates so much fear in children (and then adult) and a hesitation to be able to talk about it to relieve those fears. Okay, now my palliative care bit comes out but the more open we can be about it with them the more comfortable they will be. Think about your own experiences. I felt so much more comforted by those people who were okay talking about the fact that my mom was dying then by those who tried to ‘reassure’ me or ‘keep positive’.