When I was first separated I actually thought I would likely meet a man very quickly whose wife had died and we would combine our families and we would re marry and have a great different kind of life together.
No laughing now. I know it sounds a bit Disney.
I love children and the prospect of helping raise someone else’s never worried me- in fact I thought it would be incredible. I always say I want more life always, not less.
More than 4 years flew by- they were years soaked in legal matters, emotional upheaval and
the invigorating but polarizing energy involved in rebuilding my work, my home and my life with my children.
I did not (yet?) meet this man and I did not marry him. I did many other things I am grateful for and as we all do, I keep re adjusting the picture.
I have discovered a tremendous amount about myself and what makes me happy.
Intellectually, I know what I have and am grateful for all of it. The problem is that I think I should be allowed to have everything I want if I work really hard for it and stay open to it.
Logically, I can discuss family, friendships , work and good fortune.Great and busy life- yes blah, blah, blah. But I like the whole enchilada with the works, please. I think – and although it is not for everyone and many, many divorced people never want to go there again– I am meant to be with someone.
It is funny that I find myself loving my life and then suddenly it creeps up on me- all of it is just not quite enough.
Right now I am alone in the sense we are talking about and I don’t prefer it. If it is a stage then okay. But if it is the way it is going to be for me, I have a Plan B but I like Plan A better.
I know this is not the independent, happy go lucky side of me you have seen. I am that a girl too. But this is also the truth.
It is the interesting thing about life. You just don’t know all of what lies around the corner. And how long and tough those corners might be.
Candace- what a wonderful and wise comment. I could not agree more on all points about love. I should carve out more time to meet others. Did I tell you all my clients are under 4′ ?
I am taking an Italian class this fall- I will keep you posted! Thank you for this great comment.
@ Nancy:
I was mesmerized to see someone so unself-conscious.
Steve however had a cringing look on his face, counting the number of years until Em is hanging out like this.
wishing you well,
i
Nancy, you strike me as a smart, strong, perceptive, vibrant and positive force of energy. And I knew Sara and know her to be the same. It is unbelievable that women as fabulous as the two of you have not been snapped up (or met the men you want to snap up, at least). I think it is just a sign of the busy lives we lead, which makes it tougher and tougher to connect with someone.
I also think you probably both know exactly what you want out of life and a partner, and you are not going to be inclined to settle. Nor should you. As I told myself through my own 6 year dry spell before I met my husband: there is nothing lonelier than being with the wrong guy. It just means you may not have as many “Mr. Right Nows” while you wait for Mr. Right!
It’s not a weakness to want love, and a partner and life team-mate to see things through with. I cried with loneliness some nights, even though I was never remotely desperate and truly believed I would find someone. We’re hardwired to want this, and, next to the love for a child, it’s the greatest gift life has. You will both have great, full lives filled with loving friends and family if you don’t find it, but you are open to it and I believe that openness means you will.
If I was single right now and could carve out the time, I would join a club or take classes to see if I could meet someone. Not TO meet someone…just pursuing my own interests and seeing what great new people I met in the process. Writing or cooking class, wine-tasting, running room group, mixed doubles tennis group, golf…those are my interests. Maybe whatever your interests are will also lead you to someone who shares your passion?
NOT meaning to give unsolicited advice. Would never presume to do that. Just remembering my husband and I first bonded during a golf game when we got paired up. He always says he fell in love with the way I heckled him. He asked me to play again, and showed me his favourite course (now my favourite), and from one shared passion we found many more…
Keep the faith. You have so much to offer…you will get the whole enchilada! 🙂
thanks Jen. Very sweet of you! xn
I just want to say “thank you”, Nancy. I love your honesty. For all that being with someone has its challenges, being with the right person is a huge gift. I think you are fabulous and I truly hope you have that for yourself one day soon.
xo
I think I might try to write about that Erin- because I have really been studying marriages since I left mine- I wrote a little about it on my other blog http://myfamilyisnotbroken.wordpress.com/2010/09/16/if-it-is-not-growing-it-is-dying/
I think evolving is big. And tenderness. And respect.
I think a break in trust is very hard to recover from.
Growing old alone has been one of my greatest fears, it still is. I don’t know why really. I haven’t spent much time alone, don’t like it much for the most part. I probably should at some point.
I’ve been thinking about marriage and partnership a lot lately. What makes a good relationship? What doesn’t (aside from the obvious). What can be fixed, what can’t?
Great post. So raw and honest.
What a picture you paint! I have to say- I don’t think I could ever do that. I would like someone to do that to me, though. I am a bit old fashioned when it comes to those things.
Great story though, Id.
Well done- this is a great story. I agree wholeheartedly and I love your attitude. Congratulations on a job well done and a solid approach to your life!
Nancy,
I think opening up to the universe electronically is a big step toward finding a partner. I will now have my radar out for you and other awesome women like you just waiting for a good and worthy mate, ready with my paper napkin and pen to get info.
Four nights ago we took our kids for late night casual Chinese snack on Spadina. It was around 11 pm. Eight energetic 20-somethings were having dinner probably on their way out to somewhere fun and exciting. Mixed group in every way (ethnicity, fashion tastes, socio-economics, sexual orientation, hair styles and personalities).
In the middle of dinner, a group of police officers in their bike gear come in to pick up some food and on their way out. The young woman sitting with at the end of the table drops her fork and grabs the last of the trailing officers by the elbow and says (really loudly):
“Hi, is the first guy out the door, you know standing right there..” (points out the window vigorously at the handsomest standing outside) “Married?”
The officer wasn’t sure if she was joking. So she continued emphatically: “So, is he single? My number!” and grabs a pen and napkin and writes her number on it in HUGE dark print. She presses the napkin up to the window knocking on glass fiercely to get the desired cop’s attention. She is beaming at him confidently. Then she folds the napkin into the officer hand and send him to courier it outside:
“Please officer, make sure he calls me if he’s single!”
Pretty bold for a youngster, but she knew what she wanted when she saw it. Wish I was that determined in my early datling life.
xo
i
I am thinking of taking out a billboard.
But apart from that – I would say- stay doing and being all that you are and be open to the UNEXPECTED and enjoy the ride.
no worries Christine- I am likely fairly territorial on this topic- I would hate for anyone to think I am anything that I don’t feel I am- especially when at times it requires real work to stay positive and aware. My whole writing thing is about this strength and positive side and yet- I must show this side too as it exists in me as well.
Oh Nancy! I in no way meant to parallel you to my friend. At all! I hope you didn’t think I was doing that and I hope it doesn’t across as such! Not my intention.
I never ever would think that you are anywhere near desperate.
There’s more to my friend’s situation that I could leave in the comments section and it is becoming increasingly difficult to support her.
I love the honesty in this post and I totally get it. I see it from a different perspective – I would love for nothing more than my single mother to have someone to share her life with. She’s been on her own for 10 years now and I think she’d like the same thing, but has no idea how to go about getting there.
I’ve been essentially single now for 10 years. 10 years. This puts a shudder in my heart sometimes and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I keep thinking that ‘hey I’m a good catch’ I won’t be alone forever, but sometimes lately, I catch myself thinking that hey – maybe I will be. I’m not really okay with it. Like you, I’m happy and content but I want the whole enchilada too. I’m ready to round the corner….how do we do it Nanc???
After my divorce I stayed single for 17 years, YES 17 years. In those years I raised 3 awesome kids on my own (they did not go to their dad’s every other weekend). I have a University graduate, one who moved across country at the age of 20 and the youngest on their way to post secondary this fall. I’m very proud of all of them. I choose to stay single while raising my children. I went on a few dates here and there but nothing serious. I had this motto I don’t need a man to complete my life, I want a man who will complement my life and him to think the same way about me, plus I always believed the right guy will come in my life at the right time. Well that happened 2 years ago. We fully complement each others lives. As the old saying goes “good things come to those who wait”
I am not desperate and have never been. Believe me. I count my blessings and love my life but I also want to share it with someone else. I think there is a vast difference between that. And I am not embarrassed to admit a desire for all that life has to offer. I did not marry right away because I was not meant to and could not have focussed immediately on someone else anyway. Likely because I have been alone I have achieved a great deal.
When life is wonderful – as it is now even more so than it has been all these separated years- I want to share that. I am ready for that now. If the right person does not come along- that is okay too- but not my preference. Just honesty.
I’m sending you hugs, Village… xoxoxoxo
I have friend who has recently separated.
She has a great army of friends that surround her, a home, 2 healthy children and a thriving business. It is still early days for in the the whole one-her-own…just about 6 months and she’s desperate to find to find someone else. The next one. And I wish that she would just be “ok” with being with herself for a while.
Her life is full and rich but she can only focus on what she doesn’t have at the moment.
All I hear is how lonely and alone she is. I keep trying to get her to see that just because she feels lonely doesn’t mean she has to feel alone.