So, my kid broke her leg.
Her Dad and I felt terribly responsible for it at first. We bought and take care of her ski equipment, which caused the fracture — her bindings didn’t release her boots from her skis when she fell. But it goes deeper than that, too: we are her parents. We are supposed to take care of her. And she hurt herself, so by extension we failed in our duty to protect her. I wept when her leg was set, because it was so brutally, physically painful (even with the sedative) and I HAD FAILED TO PREVENT THAT PAIN.
Now a week-and-a-half has passed, and I’ve had time to accept that pain can be — in fact, is — a part of growing up…of life, in fact. And I’ve had time to forgive myself for the din setting on her bindings, the second-hand ski boots, the fact that we took her skiing at all. I’ve learned that kids will get hurt — even sometimes very badly — and what matters is that you are there for them 100% when they do. Which we were.
The Hubster was, as it happens, a ski patroller for a number of years, and he shared a few horror stories with me recently. Not about badly injured kids, but about uncontrollable parents. One girl he remembers bit her tongue very badly when she fell at the resort he used to work at. There was a lot of blood, and the little girl was understandably distressed. The Hubster and his partner (who were the first to arrive) had to call in a backup team – not to help the little girl, but to restrain her mother, who was physically attacking the two patrollers who were trying to administer first aid. Even while being restrained, she was screaming out to the other skiers on the hill and the lift above for help! They were trying to kill her daughter!
Now, I know all about being completely freaked out about your child’s injury. Remember, I was the one who looked in the boot and discovered her leg was broken. It was ugly. My stomach lurched. My head span. I broke out in a sweat and my hands were shaking. I said, "oh yeah. It’s definitely broken." I gave Hubster an imploring look. And I hugged my little girl. I told her that the ski patrol was going to come and help her soon. That everything was okay. That we would be there. That I was right beside her. That I knew it was "owie" and that we would get some medicine soon to help. That she was sooooo brave!
And I also had time for her big sister. To give her a hug, wipe her tears and reassure her that her little sister would be fine. That I was proud of her for being so brave and strong. That I would see her in just a few minutes at the first aid building, and everything would be fine.
I shouldn’t act like a complete hero here. I did turn my head to the side and silently cry while waiting for the ski patrol, once more in the first aid building while her leg was being splinted and again when it was being set. But I didn’t let my children know I was doing it. Because I knew my job was to be strong for their sake. After it was all over, both girls were in bed, and Hubster and I had a moment alone, we just held each other and rocked, spilling our collective sorrow and guilt. We gave each other a safe space for release of those difficult emotions and in doing so, also comforted one another in our solidarity.
So now I look back and feel — I guess regret is the best word for it — that my little one broke her leg. But I don’t feel guilt anymore. And that has freed me up for self-forgiveness which —
and here’s the part where I finally get around to discussing weight loss, the raison d’etre of this blog, after all
— has freed me from the burden of emotional eating. I’d been tied up for nearly two weeks with this emotional roller-coaster, and I was dulling the effects with food. Bad food. And lots of it. But now, for the last few days, I’ve been feeling better. I’ve made really smart, healthy choices and I know that’s helped me not only physically, but emotionally as well.
It’s just this simple: when you feed your body well, your mind will benefit too. It can be so hard to make that first step – to choose a healthy shake for breakfast instead of a cup of black coffee. To choose an apple with almond butter (I had this fave snack three times yesterday!) instead of a bag of chips. To be sure to eat lots of vegetables each and every day. But once you do, it becomes self-perpetuating. The better you eat, the better you feel. The better you feel, the more you want to eat well. Pretty soon you start to look better, too, and that just reinforces the good habits.
It’s great to be back again!
Kath, I’m so teary from reading your blog, I can barely write a comment. I wish I could climb through and give you a huge hug a week ago. You should be so proud of yourself on every level for how you handled everything. I would never have been brave enough to even get the boot off.
Oh Katherine – you’ve got me all teared up! 🙂 I hear you so clearly on the issue of taking your child’s pain on as guilt, a sense of lacking, and self-doubt. But I’m so happy to read your description of self-forgiveness and regret, which really are distinct from your responsibility in this. Self-forgiveness is a rarely-spoken-of topic in our culture, apart from the new age movement, and I think you have laid it out beautifully. Letting yourself separate the guilt from the sorrow and empathy is a huge lesson to both your daughters – it will model to them the difference between sympathy and empathy, and feeling sorry for someone versus being sorry for having done something (which we women lump together all too often, hey?) And the subtle separation between child and parent that is so crucial for growth and self-purpose, but is so hard to foster and allow – you are good at this already! And your newly-found clarity will be passed on from you to your kids, allowing them to see you as a human being, flawed and yet endlessly loving, and open to the gifts that pain and change can give us. You are a great mom. I’m so happy to know you. xo
Your poor baby! But accidents DO happen – my oldest broke her arm at school and it took us nearly a day to realize how badly hurt she was.
You are so right, Kath. When my little one was in the hospital with pneumonia this year I was overwhelmed by guilt. She almost had to go into intensive care because I hadn’t taken her symptoms for more than a bad cold or flu. She was weak and scared and it was my fault! But, I got over it and she grew a lot from the experience.
Good luck with getting back on track with your eating. Remember, we’re here for you!
that is such an inspiring post, Kath, thanks for sharing your experience. Last year, I forgot to close our gate and my little one (age 1.5 at that time) rolled down our hardwood stairs landing “THUMP” on her face. i rolled her over and the whole top portion of her face surrounding her eyes and nose was black and blue and within minutes disturbingly swollen. I was devastated and consumed with horrendous guilt. AT the hospital, it took everything within me to face the judging (in my mind) doctors/nurses and not scream and cry hysterically at my own self-perceived inadequacies as a parent. Like you, I eventually came to terms witht he fact that accidents do happen and it’s part of growth. However, nothing ever seems that logically apparent when your baby is suffering. I’m sorry your family went through this pain, and am glad that your baby is on her way to recovery…and you too.