I hate myself. Officially. I have issued myself a certificate of self-loathing.
Why?
Well, it’s a bit of a painful story. Kinda convoluted and complicated and tangent-y. Still wanna hear it? Ya sure?
Okay.
Well, you know how my scale switches between pounds and kilos, right? So I stepped on it this morning – after far too long of a scale-hiatus – and weighed in at 76.5 kg, (despite the switch being toggled to the "pounds" setting), which translates to 168.65363 (just to be precise, you know).
ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH AAAARRRGGGH!
Now, 168.65363 is still 48 pounds less than I weighed when I started. It’s nothing to sneeze at. But at one point I could say I have lost 50 pounds. (And did…over and over and over again, in fact!). I should be proud, I know. I’ve lost about 50 pounds. And maintained it for six months. That is an accomplishment of which I should be extremely proud. I know this.
But it’s this maintaining thing that’s exactly the problem, you see. You know, my goal is to be in the 150 to 155 pound range. That means I’m only 13 pounds off the goal. Why have I been teetering back and forth between 163 and 168 for the last 6 months? Why can’t I just lose that last 10 pounds that I’ve been bitching about for SIX MONTHS now? Why? Why?? Why???
And why have I been contemplating this problem over and over and over again for so long? Why can’t I just buckle down and DO IT already? At one point, I was less than 10 pounds away from my goal weight. I was running three times a week. I was going to the gym. Don’t even ask, okay?
Way back last year I bragged about having made a lifestyle change, but I’m seeing now that the old me has been lying in lurk, waiting for the right opportunity to take back over again. "Go ahead," that beast says "just have seconds…it won’t kill you" Or, "Ewww…wouldn’t you rather take that rare child-free hour and lounge on the couch reading a book? The gym will be there tomorrow…"
Help?
On the positive side, 168 is 2 pounds better than the 170 I registered the last time I stepped on the scale. I’ve been trying really, really hard this last week to stay within my 22 points and I’ve evidently done well. Now if only I can keep at it for the rest of the summer I might actually be able to live up to the Weight Watchers commitment I made to myself at the outset of this summer and be at my goal weight by labour day, embarking on the 6 week maintenance journey (I know I can do that one) in order to FINALLY become a lifetime member.
Oh, and Elizabeth? About the Toronto marathon? It’s a just few days before my daughter’s birthday so I don’t want to be out of town, but I’ll be with you in spirit, girl! As for training beside (virtually) you, I need a little bit more time to decide whether or not I can take on a challenge as big as a half-marathon. I will promise you this, though. I’ll look into the Running Room program – not making any promises, but not giving you the brush-off, either. Fair ’nuff?
Hating yourself is the WORST thing you can do right now, right? That’s the old beast again. The beast that makes you go back for seconds because s/he doesn’t have your best interests at heart! Keep congratulating yourself on your success, and maybe change something up? (Like I SHOULD TALK RIGHT NOW!?! hee!). Just take it one day at a time, as everyone says. Healthy lifestyles are definitely hard to maintain, though! For sure. But, we can all do it! I like the idea of giving myself one day a week to splurge (not go crazy, though)….
Hating yourself is the WORST thing you can do right now, right? That’s the old beast again. The beast that makes you go back for seconds because s/he doesn’t have your best interests at heart! Keep congratulating yourself on your success, and maybe change something up? (Like I SHOULD TALK RIGHT NOW!?! hee!). Just take it one day at a time, as everyone says. Healthy lifestyles are definitely hard to maintain, though! For sure. But, we can all do it! I like the idea of giving myself one day a week to splurge (not go crazy, though)….
No Half Marathon for me either but I DID sign up for the Running Room 10k program. Even though I did do my first 10k this year I know I can do better and I also know that I need a motivator to hold me accountable!
I know about those last few pounds. Would love to give up 5 or 10 of my own!
Oh Cath, I am so empathetic to how you are feeling. And I know this sounds so trite but really try, try, try to reflect on what you have done. YOu have made lifestyle changes and you have stuck to them. The only reason I suggested the half-m is because it gives you a running schedule and a goal which will safely increase your running, but starts at less than you are doing now. I work so much better to a goal and with a specific plan. Now that you are at the gym, how about a trainer? Maybe you need to shake up your workouts. Are you going to WW meetings? What does your leader say? Are you still drinking all of your water. Sometimes thats the key that makes the difference. Women are so hard on themselves…try to remember how much you have accomplished. Where’s that bikini and the hot dress you wore to Mom’s Night Out? YOu accomplished those!!!
the last little bit is the hardest. i’ve been trying to lose that since isabella was 4 months old…and she’s turning 2 next month. it’s the hardest part…don’t get discouraged. you’re doing GREAT.
Hate yourself???!!!! Never! Always remember that someone else would love to be your 168 lbs – for example…me! I am a lifetime member of what I affectionately call WWF – Weight Watchers Forever – and I am currently (baby 5 months old)43 lbs over my goal weight. Its a struggle every day – and believe me when I say that “lifetime member” is literally “lifetime”. You can’t – absolutely can’t – hate yourself for your lifetime. There is no easy way to maintain your weight loss. Hang in there! You already know how to loose weight and be healthy – you’ve proven that over and over – 50 lbs is fantastic! What an incredible accomplishment. Give yourself the mental break you need and then hop right back on – today is a new day!