Ever feel like no matter what you do it just isn’t enough? Or, you finally think you’ve got "it" right and another expert comes out with a book? I am a good mom…most of the time. I adore my kids. I encourage them. I nurture them. I acknowledge and respect them. But, I often feel that this is not enough…or at least that’s the message.
Every time I open a newspaper there is someone else telling me what I am doing wrong or at least advising on how to do it better. As moms, we want to give our kids every opportunity to succeed, to be happy, so we are easy targets for doubt and insecurity. In other words, I think we are easy prey. Our achilles heal has been exposed and some are taking full advantage.
I’ll give you an example. I was out for a drink with a friend the other night, our sons are the same age. I mentioned to her about a recent article in the NY Times on a study that found that children who show self-control at an early age are more successful in every aspect of their lives later on. Her reaction was "well, I guess my kid is a lost cause" and then we went on to discuss how we could encourage self-control in our children because "the good news is that while differences in the ability to delay gratification emerge early and persist, that ability can be improved with conscious effort." We’re on it. Add this to our list of things to improve on.
So, here’s the plan: Between teaching our children to balance being good sports and team players while still striving to do their best, while encouraging empathy and good manners between homework and playdates, finding time for music and travel and philanthropy which lead to a well rounded, socially conscious child, and oh, don’t forget to sneak in some unstructured play and fun while not forgeting that going to bed late leads to trouble so don’t deviate from a structured routine, and now, make some time to encourage self-control because "for those without self-control, life is a parade of bad decisions: teen pregnancy, drugs, crime." Every moms worst nightmare. We can’t be responsible for that.
After I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about this. And then, I got really angry. After swearing to myself I wasn’t going to get "sucked" in again, here I was analyzing me children to see whether they had enough self-control – they are 6 and 3! NO ONE has self-control at 6 and 3!
What drives me crazy about this is that it is one small piece of a very large and complex puzzle…a human being. You can not look at one character trait and decide the fate of a person. There are so many variables, so many life experiences. My children are great at some things and struggle with others…AS DO I…and I think I turned out OK. Did my parents spend countless hours "consciously parenting"? That would be a big, fat NO.
So, I am in protest. In protest of judgement and expectations. I will turn to my friends and family for affirmation and support but will no longer shift away from my instincts on good parenting in favour of expert advice.
Jen
I fully agree with you Jen(and not cause I just like your name lol), you know what really kills me the most, is people who don’t have kids telling you what to do, I’m a mom of 5, I’ve made good and bad choices, good and bad decisions some of which I’m proud, and some of which I’m not so proud. But they were my decisions, I’m tired of being berated because I do things differently than DR. Spock. I’m only human and I’m learning as I go along. I think the best we can all do is raise our kids to our own expectations and not societies. I really don’t care if the world is proud of my kids, as lon as they are proud of themselves, and as long as they don’t turn out to be mass murderers I think I’ve done a fairly good job. I think some people forget MOTHER’S ARE HUMANS TOO!! we do make mistakes, but at the end of the day the kids are fed, in bed and happy. And that’s all that matters
I must tell you Jen, you have put in words what I have been feeling for a long time. I have come to the conclusion that the best way to fail at being a mom is to try and follow ALL the expert advice out there. So I proudly join the club of “Moms in Protest”. I appreciate all that the experts do to research and keep us informed and I will continue to seek knowledge and will implement and adapt those things that suit my parenting style and my child’s personality. But most of all I will discard my ever growing mental checklist of all the other things I should be doing as a mother and spend that time instead loving my child and spending time being there for him. After all, when he grows up, he wont remember how much I followed all the expert advice. What he will remember is whether or not I was there for him and interested in him.
I agree with celebrating what we do right. Problem is we women are the worst when it comes to judging each other and setting standards that we must live by.
I’m sitting down on the couch of protest right beside ya Jen!
Patti B. in Calgary
You go girl! I’m right there with you. Enough of the judgement and mom-bashing. Let’s celebrate all of the things we do RIGHT! Thanks for this.