The final instalment in Joanne’s story of life as a single mom of three…we left as Joanne was getting ready to enjoy dinner at a friend’s house:
Next, my mind wanders to thoughts of my daughter. I start to worry about her at home, having just a sandwich for supper. What kind of mother am I? What if she gets hurt and can’t get to the neighbour’s house per the ‘home alone’ plan. I shouldn’t have left her. I should have made her come. No. I should have been able to convince her that we would have fun together at the party. She should want to spend time with me. What am I doing wrong? I tried calling her but there was no answer. God, what if something happened? I knew logically she was still playing with her friend but, still, I felt panicky and irrational and I couldn’t wait to get home. I wished there was another grown up around to tell me everything was ok.
After the mandatory cake and presents, I told the boys it was time to go, much to their dismay. I explained that we left Brenna home alone and needed to get home to check on her. But they were having a good time and wanted to stay – they’re kids – of course they did. Ten minutes of whining and procrastinating later, I raised my voice (meaning I yelled again) and told them to get into the car. NOW. They were super mad at me. And I was super embarrassed.
We got home to find my daughter happily watching TV in her room. Go figure. It was almost 8 o’clock at this point – time to do showers and bedtime snacks and stories. Only, the kids reminded me of all that I had forgotten that day. My daughter needed photos printed off for a project. She needed cash for her agenda. My son needed money for school lunches for the week. How could I have forgotten? I really needed help. Skipping showers one night isn’t so bad is it? I promised to be right back to read the baby his story and off I went. I ran to the Superstore to print off some pictures, then to the bank machine to get some cash. I got home 30 minutes later and gave them all what they needed. Pictures. Cash. Hugs. Kisses. Bed…Finally.
And there I was. Alone. Lonely. Bored. Until I remembered how trashed my house was. I never did get to that laundry Brenna and I fought about that morning. She never actually put it in the hamper either. I snuck into her room and took it out of her closet thinking maybe she’d like me better if I did something nice, even if it wasn’t exactly the right thing to do. Then I spent the next three hours doing laundry and dishes and trying to find my kitchen table underneath the clutter. I thought about how nice it would be to have a partner in it all. I longed for someone to walk up behind me as I stood over the sink and wrap his arms around me. I wished for him (my imaginary man) to say, “Go relax honey, I’ll take care of this”, or even, “Thanks, baby, we couldn’t do this without you.” Nope, it was just me. I finished my chores and I fell into bed. By myself. And laid awake for the longest time thinking about how I could have done everything better that day. I felt sad and exhausted yet it took forever to fall asleep. Luckily, nights like that happen less and less often.
This morning I was sending the troops out the door when Devon (brat baby) turned around half way down the driveway and yelled out, “Love you, Mommy!” Wow. Did I mention he’s six? But I know he knew I needed that. I love you too, sweetpea. You know, as crazy as life can be, those little moments present themselves so often. And then I know, without a doubt, that this is what my life was meant to be. And I wouldn’t change a thing.
Joanne is a working single mom of three from Prince Edward
Island. Be sure to check back over the past two weeks’ posts for the first two
instalments in her article "A Day in the Life of a Single Mom". Share
your thoughts on Joanne’s article below in comments.
Thanks so much for your comment, Molly. It’s really, really tough sometimes – but I hope when all is said and done I look back on these years and am able to feel proud at what my kids and I have accomplished together. We must be doing ok – I went to all three of their parent-teacher interviews last night. And all three teachers say my kids are amazing. Well, duh, I knew they were amazing – but it sure is nice to hear it from professionals!
I SO get what you are saying, Joanne. I was a single mom of 2 kids for 9 years. Although my ex and I had a great relationship and still do, these were tough times. They were also some of the most wonderful times. I really found myself and learned to feel confident on my own and in my own skin – if I could do this I could do anything! It was also an opportunity to be closer to my kids than most parents. It was often lonely and exhausting but I look back so fondly on those days.
I am now married again with a 3rd child and a 4th on the way. My other two are teenagers and amazing young adults. I am going into marriage and motherhood the second time around with a totally different attitude – not one of dependence and expectations but one of partnership and self-confidence.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your attitude is right on the mark.