Hi. I’m Joanne and I’m a single mom with three kids. I recently discovered urbanmoms.ca and fell in love with the sense of community I’ve found here. Only, I noticed there was no content about being a single “urbanmom”. So, when Jen asked me to, I decided to contribute.
I’ve been a single mom for two years now, but, I was married for more than nine years before I separated from my husband. I definitely know that parenting is tough, with or without a partner.
Let me tell you a little about my family. My oldest, Cameron, is eleven. He started junior high this year. He’s cool and he knows it. But he’s a good kid. He has the exact amount of self confidence that one would want for a child – enough to make him strong and independent but not too much to make him arrogant.
My daughter, Brenna, is nine. She’s in grade five. She’s got the heart of an angel…and mood swings that you would not believe. Think: PMS times ten billion. Seriously. But, even when I’m steaming mad, she gives me a look…and the next thing you know we’re both laughing hysterically. She’s mastered that look and, yep, she knows it. But she’s a good girl…mostly.
Then there’s Devon. My adorable (and bratty) baby is six and he just started grade one. He’s six but it really doesn’t matter how big he gets, he’s so cute and cuddly and sweet, I can’t help but hang on to the ‘babyness’ of him. And he knows it
Anyway, this is called A Day in the Life, so here it goes. Let’s talk about yesterday.
The alarm went off at 6:30 and I hit the snooze button three times before finally getting out of bed at 7:00. And I remember thinking for a moment how nice it would be to have someone gently nudge me out of bed in the morning. Maybe I should get a dog, I think. Not. So, I start my day half an hour behind schedule, but it’s ok. “I can handle it. I can handle anything.” This is something I’ve started chanting to myself over and over when things aren’t going well. There’s no one else around to talk to so I chant to myself. Out loud. Is there something wrong with that? Note to self: Think about seeing a psychiatrist.
Anyway, I hop into the shower, get clean and shave my legs. Yes, that’s right, I shave my legs. Daily. I’m single, remember? Single women who would like to someday NOT be single have to shave their legs every day. I might meet Mr. Right. He might see my legs. If my legs are hairy, he might think me unattractive. I have several married friends who admit to going weeks without picking up a razor. Weeks! Imagine. How is it they are still married, I wonder.
After getting out of the shower I begin my ‘getting ready for work’ routine. I work in an office, I have to look professional. I’m single, I have to look hot. Well, as hot as possible, anyway and it takes a long time to get ready. I hate interruptions. Brenna was in a mood from the moment she opened her eyes yesterday. The conversation (in the middle of my routine) goes like this:
Brenna: “Mom, I have no capris in my dresser and I don’t want to wear long pants. Haven’t you done any laundry????” (spoken in an irritated, impatient and whiny tone)
Me: “Babe, the laundry was all done and put away on Sunday night (it’s Tuesday now) and you didn’t wear capris yesterday. They should all be clean and in your dresser.” (I’m very proud at how calm and even-toned my voice sounds.)
Brenna: “Well, they’re NOT. They’re in my room on the floor of my closet and they’re DIRTY!!!!” (Nine year old girls should not whine. Can I get an Amen????)
Me: “Honey, you’re clothes can’t get washed if you don’t put them in the laundry hamper – I don’t have time to search your room for dirty laundry. Put your clothes in the hamper and I’ll wash them tonight and you can wear them tomorrow.”
Brenna: “But, MO-OM, I want to wear them today!!!!!” (this was a high-pitched shriek)
Me: “Then wear them dirty.” (Ok, so admittedly, I was snarky.)
Brenna: “I’M NOT WEARING DIRTY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL, THAT’S GROSS. YOU’RE HORRIBLE!!!” (Again with the SCREAMING… I can handle it. I can handle anything.)
Me: “Well, what exactly would you like me to do??? I can’t snap my fingers and have a pair of capris appear for you to wear. Put on a pair of jeans or sweats. And, quit being such an impossible BRAT! If you don’t stop whining and complaining, I swear, you’re so grounded.” (Ok, so now I’m screaming back, but can you really blame me? I know. I’m the mom. I’m supposed to know better. I’m supposed to set an example. Yelling – it’s on my “to work on” list.)
She did put on a pair of jeans, eventually, and I went back to getting ready only to be interrupted a million more times. “Mom, where’s my kit bag?” “Mom, I need $7 for my school agenda.” “Mom, did you write the check for my $30 student fee, I’m the only one in my class who hasn’t turned it in yet.” Mom! Mom! Mom!!!! I am seriously considering changing my name to: “The insane person formerly known as Mom.” It’s kinda catchy.
Ok, back to my day: I’m finally ready, the kids are ready, lunches are made, kitbags are packed and I send them off to the bus stop and leave for the office. The day goes relatively smoothly, until my phone starts ringing at three o’clock. On average Cameron and Brenna call me 23 gazillion times from the time they get home from school until the time I get home from work. No lie. If they don’t reach me at my desk, they call me on my cell. I’ve made rules about this: call me to let me know that you get home safely and only again if it’s really important. Apparently I need to define important. “She ate the last caramel cake,” is not important in my book. Note to self: Define ‘important’ for kids. Finally I leave work at five o’clock and head to pick up the baby at his after school place.
Phew! Next Week in the continuing saga of A Day in the Life of a Single Mom – Part II: The Day I Didn’t Have to Cook Supper…
Joanne is a working single mom of three from Prince Edward Island. Be sure to check back over the next two weeks for the next instalments in her article "A Day in the Life of a Single Mom". Share your thoughts on Joanne’s article below in comments.
What a great perspective, Joanne! I have so much respect for you from the words you just wrote. Thank you.
That’s what I crave sometimes, Ali. The comfort of someone’s presence…someone who belongs here with me… Knowing that when all else is wrong in my world, there is someone who is constant, who will hold me up when I can no longer stand….just by being here. But, I realize, too, that there are many a married person who find themselves wishing for the same thing. It’s just that very vulnerable, human need/want…for security and connection. So, for now, I find those things in other ways – the kindness of friends and family, the love of my kids, and the confidence and strength I’ve found in myself. It’s more than some are fortunate enough to have, and I’m thankful.
i shave my legs every day… married or not…there’s something about smooth legs that makes a woman feel sexy 🙂
when my husband is away on business trips, the only thing i REALLY really miss is the nighttime debriefs where we just sort of talk and keep each other company after long, hard days. it must be hard not to have that. i’m glad you found urban moms…we moms are here all the time to support each other!
Thanks everyone for your comments! Susan, wow, an Islander! I know exactly what you mean – I’ve actually been dating someone for a while now…but adding that grownup relationship to my life hasn’t altered my “single mom” status. He’s a great guy – we’ve got many common interests and the time we spend together is all quality. But, there are so many issues. My family is established and that’s uncomfortable for him. Things I had hoped would be natural, just aren’t, and never will be as far as I can tell. So, my kids see him as my friend or “boyfriend”, he sees them as my kids, but aside from that there isn’t really a relationship between them. And, it seems unrealistic to expect one, from him or my kids. I see so much potential there – but neither him or the kids seem to want to develop that friendship. It’s complicated. Most of the time we spend together is without my kids so the bulk of my evenings are still spent alone…as are the bulk of my mornings. But the kids keep me on my toes, there’s hardly time to wish for anything more…most of the time:)
Cudos to you Joanne! I feel your pain. I have three boys and a very hormotional house. I am not single, but most days I feel like I am, and maybe one day I will be. I am looking forward to hearing about life wihtout a “MR.” at you address.
Strength vibes to the single East Coast mom!
Hi Joanne, from a fellow PE Islander! I’ve been a single mom for 11 years – just one great kid who is now 16, don’t know if I could have survived with more than one, to be honest. I now have a nice guy in my life but some days am not sure if it makes things easier or not – there are so many issues I thought would come naturally, such as driving help, and grocery help, and so many other things. But what I’ve come to realize is that the end of the rainbow still leaves me feeling very much like a single parent – but maybe that’s just me and my guy. Too many years living independently leaves some habits hard to break, I suppose. But there are good days such as remembering that as a single woman I never thought I’d be able to sleep with someone else in my bed – ha! I remember being newly single and liking the space to spread out! But now I must admit I feel cold when my guy is not there to keep me warm and snuggle. So there are always pros and cons – the roller coasters of a relationship versus the peaceful loneliness…I guess what I’m trying to say is this – enjoy your kids every day, and stop to listen when you can. Don’t be in too much of a hurry for that nudge, it’ll come when the time is right. Enjoy your space (and time for your kids) for now! By the way, I’ve been hit with the cry over laundry in the closet too, or on the floor under something, but my son isn’t as picky, he’ll usually just wear ’em wrinkled (so I end up washing ’em). I feel the most guilt over the ‘did you remember your lunch money’ scenario – he’s not a sandwich kinda guy – when we’re late, halfway into town and neither of us has remembered money. Alas, I am still single, you see – it’s still me that has the responsibility to remember these things. (although my 16 year old is learning that word – responsibility vs. hunger). So good luck to you, fellow Islander, hope you do find someone to nudge you out of bed some day but in the meantime, enjoy your kids. My son and I enjoy a much closer relationship than most of his friends and their parents, so I consider myself lucky (on the good days!). And don’t let anyone tell you your kids come from a ‘broken home’ – I tell ’em my son comes from one that’s ‘fixed’. Oh yeah, and I still shave my legs every day too – two years into this relationship but eleven years of singlehood – so maybe I’m still afraid hairy legs will scare him away too, ha ha. (He would laugh and say no). Will those insecurities ever go away?
– Susan from PEI
You should be so proud of yourself, Joanne! I find this job of “mother” so challenging but having someone to share the ups and downs with make the highs higher and the lows less low. I admire how much you are able to enjoy your children and value the little ways you lessen the burden on yourself. Thanks for sharing your story! I look forward to the next 2 weeks.
Joanne, I admire you for having such a positive outlook. I know how tired and frustrated I can feel after a day with my kids. You’re right, it’s tough with or without a partner, but I think one thing that comes out of your post is that you miss the good things – that friendly nudge out of bed in the morning – not just the help when the kids are difficult. Thanks!