A couple weeks ago I wrote my confessions on how I’m a crap ass mother. The comments were fantastic and I really have been implementing a couple of the ideas.
#1 – I’m picking my battles and trying not to fight everything…and
#2 – I’m trying not to give a rat’s ass what others think of my parenting.
I just don’t know that I’m succeeding very well. So I’m coming back to the well, aka you guys, because I need some help. I ended last night (and this morning on the drive to work) bawling my eyes out because I just thought that I was the WORST mother over the course of the previous 24 hours. NOW, I will add, that I know I was exhausted yesterday (panic attack, insomnia and I threw my back out putting the monster …well folding him actually…into the car seat), but I really had thoughts of – I so suck at this and we haven’t even really begun. So I need some advice on a few things…help a mutha out will you.
1. TV. Will didn’t watch TV for the first couple years of his life. I tried on a few occassions when I needed a break. He just had no interest. Well now it’s like the sea has parted, he’s seen God or something because so many of our tantrums (and I say ‘our’ because he starts and I join in) are around tv. He wants to watch all the time. I allow for one video after school, while I’m getting dinner ready and that’s it. But I’m finding I have to physically leave the house to get him to not whine for more. And the mornings – forget about it – this is a battle I HAVE picked and I refuse to put it on…but the rage…oh the rage. So what about TV? How much is too much? How do you handle it?
2. Outerwear. He doesn’t want to put a coat on – then he doesn’t want to take it off. Do I send him outdoors freezing his arse off and wait for him to ask for it? Do I forcibly remove like I did at daycare this morning (hence the car tears)? Why oh WHY does this have to be an issue??
3. Morning time. So Will loves his books. Which thrills me to no end. Saturday and Sunday we will spend close to an hour lying in my bed and reading books. But he wants to do this on weekdays too and every freaking day it ends up in a disastrous screaming match because he WILL NOT get dressed. This morning he went to school in his pajama top because it took me 5 minutes to wrestle the jeans and shoes on. How do I get him going without ruining our weekend routine??
That’s what I got so far moms (and dads). That being said, I don’t want you to think ALL I do is fight with the boy. We’ve had some incredible moments lately. I was shocked last week when, while reading a book with a daddy in it, Will says ‘Scotty has a daddy but no Will daddy.’ Smart boy.
So can you give me some MORE advice??
Oh another good moment…Will discovering the guitar at our friends Beth place, which is now at our place. This am he slapped it on, stood in front of the mirror playing it then turned and waved at himself. Rock star in the making…
I will check that woman out – thanks Tanya!
Hey Jackie
I love this comment – and the ‘makes me sound like a hick’ thing kills me.
I’m told by tons of people that parenting methods are big sources for strife for couples and I can imagine. I’m pretty ummmm controlling….so my friends all agreed it was likely best for me to go at this alone. But I tell you …. a hug after one of these cosmic meltdowns would be really REALLY welcomed. Sometimes that aspect is really lonely.
I am a mother of a 6 year old and a 10 year old. I have found that kids are a lot like adults. Just smaller. If you restrict something too harshly it will just make them want it all the more. My daughter was a huge tv watcher. I let it go and now I find her after school making crafts and colouring in the living room where there is no tv.
I used to think I was a horrible parent until my kids started telling me I was a horrible parent, which means I must be doing something right.
Never ever worry what other parents think about your parenting skills. Behind closed doors we all have our own issues with parenting. The counting thing works in my house, but my husband says I sound like a hick when I do it.
I have always used briberyor a reward system. If my kids do this then they can have that. Homework done, play video games.
I envy you in a way. One of my biggest challenges has been the diffreing parenting methods between my husband and myself.
I can tell you that it does get better.
We can discuss on weekend, you may want to try an ‘autism-related’ strategy of a picture exchange / visual schedule / token system… for now.
Use one Board for week – 1 book
One for weekend – 5 books
It will help him with transition – you can set schedule night before – he’ll love putting pictures up and he will understand it all – which will make it easier.
Use token system – he gets to watch Wiggles after school if he puts on his coat and takes it off at school that day – otherwise, no-go.
Paula – I did the cat thing this am to get him back to his room to get dressed….and it worked although after a minute he was like ‘no cats – cats are outside’…then I used the promise of a juice box to get him to get dressed…hmmmm giving up one fight (over juice) to save another…i’ll do it again…it made the morning so peaceful!
TV – Here’s my take… He doesn’t watch tv all day while at daycare. While there, he’s learning, experiencing, interacting, etc., so it’s not like he’s missing anything. I say do what works and FFFF the guilt.
Outerwear – This is usually only a major problem when leaving daycare and I think it’s just the power struggle. We usually leave daycare without a coat. I can’t imagine what snowpants season is going to be like. Gawd!
Ok for the dressing in the morning, try this (which my hubby taught me!) – When he starts resisting whisper, “hey did you hear that?” and then completely make up some story about what it was. I’m always sort of whispering in an excited way saying things like, “did you hear the kitty come up here? I think she came in your room? Do you see her? I can’t find her… but I’m sure she came in here!” It distracts him to the point of submission. I do the same thing when he starts crying in our kitchen… I go the window and say, “omigosh did you see that kitty that just ran through the yard?” I know it’s terrible lying, but it works most times!
Another game we play sometimes that distracts when getting dressed is pretending he’s someone else. I call him by some other name (usually another kid at daycare) and he calls me daddy or whatever. He loves it so much that he sometimes listens to me when I say, “Joe, let’s get dressed!” “Owen, diaper time!”
Hi – I have 3 kids…we have survived many, MANY stages…bottom line is consistency – and humour. 2 of my 3 have walked barefoot from the van to the house in the snow (yes, I may indeed go to hell) after repeatedly kicking off their boots on the ride. After a couple of warnings, I scooped up their boots and in I went. They did it once. And survived. And my guilt did finally subside:) I do not subscribe to parenting books in general, but honestly, Barbara Coloroso is fantastic. Google her. She is reasonable and full of common sense. She is actually speaking in Oakville soon I think (well worth the evening out) – the book I still re-read depending on the current challenges is called Kids Are Worth It. Misery loves company, and it’s good to know we are never alone!
Sara,
You are definitely NOT a crap ass mother! Get that thought out of your head!
You’ve already received plenty of advice here but I’m going to add this; think about what will make YOUR life easier sometimes. Perfect example, TV in the morning. It might be easier for you to get ready if he’s watching TV. Put on Treehouse or DVDs and let him watch while you get ready. If he’s really into the show, you can probably dress him while he’s engrossed. TV will replace the place of weekend books on weekdays (and that’s OK).
I used to think no TV but reality bites sometimes (and I don’t think it’s really detrimental in moderation with appropriate programming – AND, people who never watch TV, movies, etc., are soooo out of the loop at the water cooler – pop culture is IT man!).
I’m a fan of the natural/logical consequences (within safety boundaries of course). Barbara Coloroso has many great books but “Kids Are Worth It” talks about natural and logical consequences. For example, the natural consequence of running into the street is not acceptable, so you need a logical consequence like if you run toward the road you go inside, period. If you won’t put your coat on when it’s -20 you stay inside or Mommy carries you to the car without it but you take it along, etc.
Remember, these are all totally normal phases… and sing “I will survive” to yourself during tantrums.
Okay, first just let me say that you are definitely NOT a crap ass mother! But I definitely know the feeling. It seems like the entire 3rd year of J’s life was a constant battle. We argued over the same things too! TV, morning routines & clothes. Our worst was (& still occasionally is) dinnertime. You sound like you’re on the right track though, especially with “pick your battles.”
The TV thing (all electronic games) is a big one for me. I set a time and when it’s up, it’s up. No amount of whining, griping or arguing changes that. Setting an actual timer, just the one on my phone, really helped. Hearing it go off made “time’s up” a little easier for J to understand so you might try that.
As far as getting dressed, maybe let him help you pick out his clothes the night before. If you make a big deal out of him helping pick he might be less resistant to putting them on in the am. I’d definitely just give him 2 things to choose from at first though. Now that J is 4 & in PreK I let him pick his own outfits, no matter how mismatched they are. When we get to his school I can tell that most of the kids in the room have parents with the same philosophy. I see A LOT of interesting wardrobe choices. 🙂 If he is in daycare & refuses to get dressed, let him wear his pj’s & send his clothes with him. The lady who has kept J for the past 2 years (& has been running a home daycare for 20+) suggested that. She said that they usually don’t like it & after about 2-3 times they stop fussing about getting dressed in the am. If he refuses a coat, just send it with him. He will figure out that he needs it when he starts freezing his little tush off. As long as you’re not in the Arctic Circle, he’ll prob figure it out before he gets frostbite. 🙂
With your am schedule you could try putting a calendar somewhere he can see it. Or you can make him his own. Color the weekdays a certain color and the weekends another color & cross each day off together before bed.. When you’re putting him to bed, talk about your plans for the next morning. J refers to time-frames in “sleeps.” “Two more sleeps (nights)” until we get to go to Mimi’s house.
We use time-outs (like an actual time-out spot) in our house when J is being disobedient. If he’s throwing a fit or whining I send him to another room or I walk into another room. I acknowledge that he is upset and tell him that he is allowed to be displeased with my decisions but that fits are not how we handle things. Until he is ready to be calm and talk to me he needs to stay there. I don’t consider time-out a punishment. I look at it as a time for J & I both to cool down and then we can go from there. Since your son is 2, you might not be comfortable with sending him to another room. Instead, you can pick a chair or a spot and use it for time-outs. Just make sure you explain the spot and the concept before you actually have to use it. I find it most effective right before you are about to do something that you know is likely to cause a fit, like turning off the TV. Tell him that the TV is going off and that if he throws a fit he is going to have to go to time-out or “take a break” because you do NOT allow that kind of behavior. You might have to put him there several times in the course of a single time-out when you first start out. And he may eventually put himself in time-outs when he feels really upset with something or when he’s upset with you.
I think the most important thing to remember is to be consistent. If you say it, do it. Kids may seem like they don’t like it but they NEED routine and they need rules to help them learn and thrive. One of the things J has learned at PreK that we’ve carried over at home is “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” It rhymes and I usually say it once to give him a choice to stop his fit or head to time-out.
Sorry that this ended up being a letter! I hope that some of this helps. Definitely know that you’re not alone. I think we all feel like crappy mom’s from time to time. I know I sure do.
Such awesome interesting comments everyone!
Lori – it’s funny, I’m considering getting rid of my tv…GASP. But I just wonder if that will do it. It’s hard because he spends so much time with my nephew, who with his autism, spends quite a bit of time wiht videos and the computer…and he emulates him.
I do do videos only at this point. And he’s pretty good when one is over to can it. But it’s even the ‘i watch teevee’ bit that annoys the crap out of me. He now says good night to his videos as he goes upstairs!
and everyone – great advice on clothing. I will remove that from my fight list. right now.
Hey Nomi!
That is my total tactic now and has been for a bit. We are the notorious leavers…..count of three and we’re out…. I do start to leave and stop and say ‘do you want one more chance’ and if he doesn’t right away we’re gone. So I totally agree with you!
When I got to the point you are at, I had to start with consequences. Natural consequences are great, but very hard to think of in a tight squeeze.
Try the 1-2-3 Stop thing. He has to the count of three to stop or start doing what you ask. If he doesn’t, there will be a consequence (maybe no TV or something). You MUST follow through with the threat. It only takes a few times before he gets it.
He’s the perfect age for it now. If you can get it working, you’ll have a good system for a few years… at least until he get too smart for it.
At our house, “that’s 1… that’s 2…” is on repeat between the two kids. By the time we get to three, they get into line pretty quickly – out of fear of losing something (in my case, I’m too weak for natural consequences so we use after dinner sweets as the threat)
Good luck… this too shall pass.
1. TV … I agree with Ali. No big deal. If it makes him happy … it’s not like he’s watching Rambo every day … occassionally I would bring a book home on way home from work (stop by the local Good Will for cheap used ones). I would tell Noah I got him a present or surprise … it would be a distraction from the TV for an hour or so, sometimes the whole evening … maybe a colouring book or puzzle. Break the routine up.
2. Outerwear … Daniela has this problem when she picks him up from school. Not sure why. She just asked me last night about it. I have no answer.
3. Morning time … Same as the TV … try a different routine. Noah used to like coming to our bed, snuggle under the covers, watch a little Tree House while we got ready … but then he started knowing what was on “next” and wanted to see it and each morning would drag on and on … so change it up. Sometimes we snuggle, sometimes we get dressed and go straight down, read a book, play with a puzzle, colour.
I also find that if I make it look like he made the choice on a new thing to do then he got more excited and more into “changing the routine”.
We are also a family of tv watchers. We all love it and watch it alot.
If you have a pvr/on demand put on ONE show and when it’s over, it’s off.
Dvd’s would work. I have a GREAT timer that is working WONDERS with Cuy. Will email you a pic of it.
One thing that might help in the mornings is a visual schedule.
Get a strip with the 7 days of the week and have pics or something so he can visually differentiate which days are home days and which days are school days.
Check it before bed so he knows what’s coming the next day. Have him get his clothes ready for the next day on school days. Something that he can be a part of…
Natural consequences – send him out in the cold.
Cuyler had real issues with transitioning seasons and the change in clothing that it posed. We just had to let it go and let him do what he needed to to manage the change. It always resolved itself after a few week.
Give yourself a break, my friend.
This too shall pass.
Then a whole new set of challenges will replaces theses ones 🙂
And we’ll all be here to help a sista out!
xoxo
Hey I am no expert, but with a 4 year old and an 8 year old, we are rounding into smoother waters.
Obviously you know that Will is testing all boundaries to see what he can get away with. My advice to you is hold firm to your rules, its the wishy washy shit that screwed me up and left it harder to retrench these rules once I gave in because of tears, livid shrieks, whatevs.
Its tough, but eventual rational thought appears and then the real battle of wits begin.
I am rooting for you. Know that.
J.
Toots – first of all, you’re doing an amazing job even when you think you aren’t. Kids are the biggest energy suck in the world. I’ve had very similar issues to yours and although my views aren’t the most popular, here’s what worked for us (although I like that you aren’t giving a fiddler’s fart what other people think):
1. TV – you know where I stand on this one. We don’t do any tv at all and although it’s an adjustment at first and they still ask for it occasionally, it is not missed in our house. When Maia watched some last month when grandma was here, she was a NIGHTMARE for hours afterwards. The argument that we all watched tv and turned out fine is one I used to subscribe to until I found out that tv is very, very different from when we were growing up. It’s been scientifically proven that tv detrimentally affects kids, period. Not necessarily the content, but the flickering images and brain waves and other science stuff. We noticed a massive difference in both of our kids when tv went from weekends only to nothing. For us, a little tv goes a long way in annoying behaviour. Here’s a recent G&M article: http://bit.ly/a8Tanu. I suggest you give yourself a month of no tv for Will (like, none when he’s around) and see if you notice a difference. If he’s the same, then chalk it up to Will showing you his w.i.l.l. 🙂
2. Outerwear – I’ve given up on this one. Luka wants to be in shorts/naked 24/7 and hates jackets. I’ll let him and Maia leave without a jacket/mitts but will take them in my bag. Inevitably they’ll ask for them. I think it’s a power thing at Will’s age, but he could just not like the sensation of so many clothes (our kids will end up working at nudie beaches, just you watch).
3. Morning time – Have you tried telling Will he can have one story before school after he gets dressed? And then if he takes too long there’s no story, period. Maia always wants to colour in the morning and now she knows that she has to get dressed and have breakfast first. For a few days, she didn’t get the colouring time (which led to total meltdowns) but I just would tell her we’d try again tomorrow. Then one day she was faster and had time to colour and it’s like a lightbulb went off in her head.
Fraser used to take his shirt off in winter and head out the back door…unless safety
is compromised, I would just let him come to his own conclusions…R
I have two VERY similar scenarios that we are battling with! The first is games on my iPhone. It started as something to keep her busy on a occasion (in the car, out to dinner, etc) but now she constantly wants to play these games and is quite insistent about it (very similar to your TV saga). And the 2nd is shoes and socks…my child wants nothing to do with either even when it is freezing outside. I have the SAME questions you do. How much is it worth insisting on her wearing socks and shoes. Are they able to self regulate and know when they are getting too cold…I don’t know. I just feel her feet and they are FREEZING!
So, unfortunately I’ve got NO answers for you but hopefully it is worth something to let you know you are not alone!!! I too cried yesterday when Nyella was pulling my hair and wouldn’t let go (in fact thinks it is quite funny).
There is nothing easy about raising a 2/3 year old…but I hear it gets easier!
You see..my kids watch tv. not a TON, but what some might call a lot. but I was raised by a television (no seriously, I was) and i turned out okay. My kids have learned so much from the tv and it doesn’t compromise them – they all play sports and play outside and they are well-rounded…read: not zombies. They watch a lot of TLC…they love Cake Boss..and so it makes for lots of good conversation…about cake decorating and running a business and what they want to do when they grow up etc.
I think using the TV in the right way can be GOOD for kids.
Ok the Jacket thing pisses me off….Yesterday Emily refused to wear socks and her coat so I marched her out of the house in a long sleeve shirt and put her jacket in the car and we went and picked her brother up – wind blowing feircly she was the ONLY one without a coat – 5 minutes later she says I need my coat, so I gave it to her. I give her 5 minutes of trying to put her clothes on and then say if you aren’t ready in one minute I am helping you. She wants everything her way and it’s a CONSTANT battle at 3 yrs old. So I just give her extra time to do stuff and then she usually asks for help OR I take whatver else needs to be put on into the car and say “you aren’t wearing your shoes or coat” and when we get to our destination there is no fight to get them on…. it really does suck!! Remember to breathe… if the kid wants to wear his coat all day, so be it!! Let him sweat…he’ll take it off… and that’s when you say “mom doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable, that’s why I wanted you to take your jacket off before you went into your class”
I’m still lost on the T.V thing….Emily could watch it all day…and we are home all day and it makes me ill to hear her say “can I watch Sleeping Beauty for the 4 million time mommy?” “NNOOOOOO” you can’t and well suck it up kid and she cries that’s what happens here…even if I give her other options she’ll fight me on it. After the tantrum when I am in the middle of trying to cook she’ll then say “can we do that craft!!” There are days where I want to find a job so I can send her to daycare!!!! Now who’s the horrible mother?