Weight Watchers has these tools for living that are supposed to help you learn to eat better and build a healthier lifestyle. One of them is called Anchoring. The idea is that you use something positive from your past to help you achieve your outcome or remind you that you have what it takes to be successful. An example is the one that I use for determination. I think of times in my life where determination got me what I wanted. As I think of these, I hold onto the ‘HOPE" medallion hanging around my neck in order to ‘anchor’ the idea of determination there. Then, when I need it, hopefully by touching the necklace I will be able to call upon that strength to help me through.
Except it hasn’t really been working for me.
As you know, I have been trying to run this summer and get into better shape. Three Sundays ago I had the greatest long run of the summer. The week after…crap. Last week – excellent. And this week…crap again! And this week was really bad because the first 5 k was almost all uphill and the second 5 was almost all down or flat. I killed the first 5 but walked most of the second. When I sensed that my brain was about to give in to my aching legs, I tried to kick in my anchoring. I held tightly to the silver embossed donut around my neck and thought of all my determined achievements…and then for the next 45 minutes, as I walked home, I thought about all the reasons I didn’t feel that I really deserved to use them as achievements.
I think it may be a female thing. I have read a few articles in various women’s magazines about women who don’t give themselves enough credit. I am truly one of those. When something goes badly I am first in line to blame myself, but when something goes well, it is always an outside source which has come to the rescue.
On the long shameful walk home, instead of congratulating myself on the 5k I did run, or the fact that at 8 am on a Sunday morning when the rest of my family was still in bed, I was actually pounding the gravel and pavement on a smoking hot country road, I was systematically deconstructing all my achievements with the infamous, "yeah, but…"
I got my very sick self and pre-term baby to the hospital safely, delivered her and nurtured her through an agonizing 6 months and actual 24 until she got her first clean bill of health, BUT, it was actually the doctors who did all the work.
I help raise 3 very busy step-children who are all in adolescence at the moment, BUT, there are many moments I don’t do it well.
I ran a marathon, BUT, I did it very slowly.
I work, take care of a family, volunteer for community events, write and try to help out my friends when they need me, BUT, I never seem to do any of it very well.
Now if you were me, wouldn’t you have convinced yourself out of sheer pity to slow down to barely a crawl at this point. Which of course is exactly what I did so I could have another yeah but about running to add to my sad sack case.
I don’t really think all of these things, all of the time, but I do have difficulty patting myself on the back for my successes. I own my failures well enough, it’s time to stop renting my achievements and remind myself who has gotten me here. Yikes, already I’m thinking more of people who have helped me than I am of myself. Bad girl! Be positive!
Is there anyone else out there who has suffered from the odd case of the ‘yeah, buts….’ What did you do to get over them?
Wow! You’re out running 10K! That’s wonderful! Here’s my “yeah, but” – It took me 10 yrs to get to 10k.
I think women of our age are out running for similar reasons, yes it’s good for our health blah blah blah, but really we all just want to get out of our busy households and have some time to ourselves!
I wish I saw more women running on my cottage road – not just as a source of inspiration – but to scare the bears away.
I so hear you Elizabeth, what is it about women that we are not allowed to laud our accomplishments or even accept praise gracefully. Why do we insist on down-playing our positives with yeah-buts. And now adding another layer of guilt by telling ourselves we are bad for having self-doubt. That we should just pick ourselves up and focus on the positives.
Forgiveness, I think, is what we need. To forgive ourselves for our faults, for our doubts and even for not being able to take a compliment. And keep reminding ourselves of all the good we do, are, contain and contribute. Keep picking ourselves up from our self-doubt, without recriminations and start over.
Thank you for this post, you touched me.
I do this ALL the time, Elizabeth. When people say great things about urbanmoms.ca I can’t take credit for it. It is the amazing writers/designer/bloggers/etc…not ME. When I ran my 10k I was proud but still, it wasn’t fast enough, I didn’t train hard enough, I’m not a natural runner. When my kids are poorly behaved I am a bad mother, when they are well behaved they are great kids!
You are not alone…we should start the Yeah But Support Group. Problem is I think we would have too many members!
Personally, I think you are an amazing friend that can be counted on (ie hosting poker night and arranging speakers for the moms group even when you couldn’t attend) and I am in awe of all that you accomplish. I am proud of myself if both of my children are out of their wet diapers by 9am – not fed or dressed – just not dripping across the floor.
I’ve been reading Bonnie Fuller’s book “the joy of much too much” (or something like that) where she basically says to embrace the yeah buts – or the negatives.
I am totally a “yeah .. but” kind of person, and this has changed my perspective a lot. Highly recommend!
Oh my – this is my anchor – but not in a good way. You use the anchor analogy to talk about something that holds you with strength – for me the “yeah buts” are the anchor that drags me under. More like cement shoes than a stronghold for strength.
I have not yet found a way to vanquish these demons… sometimes I can do it by reminding myself of all the things that I’ve done well. But more often I seem to do it by reminding myself of how much worse a job I could be doing. Not sure thats really the positive way to do it – I think I need to change that one…
Oh boy. The dreaded “yeah buts”. I think we are all familiar with them in one degree or another. I get them myself, and put on this crazy self-deprecating thing, but what really helps me is to share it with a “neutral third party” – like you did here. Usually the NTP will consider what you say, look at you and tell you straight up that you’re being silly and you really do have a lot to be proud of, and don’t go selling yourself short. So…listen to me now:
Elizabeth, you are a determined and amazing woman! You have achieved so many terrific things, not the least of which is to get on your computer twice a week and share your innermost feelings with the world here in This Life. And to do it well.
Give yourself a pat on the back and bit of a break, okay?