So.
I have a schoolyard friend (you know what I mean, right? One of the other moms that I see in the schoolyard every day…our kids are friends, and so we’re friends, too). Last fall she was really sick and run-down with a bug she just couldn’t kick. All the other moms were concerned for her as we wondered what kind of illness she had come down with.
Then the bomb dropped. She was pregnant.
Let me set the context here. Mom and Dad are both over 40. They have two daughters who were in grades 4 and 1 when they got the shock of a lifetime. Baby number three was on the way just when their youngest had hit that coveted "all day in school" mark. Wow!
Well, now, shock aside, little brother was welcomed into the family with open arms in late August and is the most fawned-over baby at the school at pickup time. But secretly, I think most of the other women are doing what I do…smile and make googly-eyes over the stroller, think back wistfully to our "baby days", then utter a silent prayer of thanks that it is not us, at 40+, starting over again.
Thankfully, though, we are a caring community of fellow-moms at our neighbourhood school, and when a friend approached me to help organize a shower for our friend and her little son, I heartily agreed. In fact, I felt slightly ashamed that I hadn’t thought of it myself! Enthusiastically, we began to draft a guest list, and began approaching our fellow moms to join us for an afternoon coffee/shower for our friend. Many of our friends were pleased to be invited and asked what they could do to help out, but I was surprised to find a certain level of ambivalence–even animosity–to the idea of a shower for a third baby.
I was utterly taken aback.
You see, I’ve never heard of this before. When I was pregnant with my first baby, my mom and sisters threw me a shower (it was a whirlwind coming as it did on the heels of an out-of-town family wedding; the only time our geographically diverse family were all in one location). There were lots of great clothes, toys and other necessaries, and everyone had chipped in to get me a Baby Bjorn. I was thrilled! My colleagues at work threw me a surprise shower which was really fun (although the person who was in charge of buying the gifts had no children and I never ended up using ANY of the stuff she bought me…but the cake was delicious and it’s the thought that counts!)
So, that’s all good, and two-and-a-half years later, I was pregnant with baby #2. Again with the gifts from family and the shower at work. Granted, the gifts were smaller-scale, but it was the celebration of a new life that was important. I felt just as special being pregnant the second time, and I was very grateful for the thoughtfulness of my friends, family and colleagues in celebrating this specialness with me.
So I had never heard of this no second (or third) shower rule, but at least two of the moms I invited were – shall we say – a little put off by the idea. "It’s just not done" was the distinct message I got from them, but I have to say I lobbied hard on behalf of the subsequent-child-shower. Think of it this way:
You are every bit as amazed, awed, inspired, overwhelmed and overworked with each subsequent baby as you were with the first. You celebrate the arrival of each child into your family with just as much joy and wonder as you did the first. So…why shouldn’t your friends, too? That’s how I see the concept of a "shower", especially in this day and age of older moms, working moms, gift cards and online shopping. Showers were initially "invented", I suppose, as a way for young couples just starting out (with one income) to get established. Back in the heyday of the traditional shower, you were married just into your 20s, and had your first baby before 25. You did not work. Your husband was just starting out. You NEEDED to be showered with gifts, or baby might not have a crib to sleep in!
But that’s just not the case anymore (for most of us), and the way I see it, the modern baby shower is a chance for friends and family to get together to celebrate the arrival of a new life into the community at large. Hence the advent of the after-the-baby-arrives shower. And the acceptability of the subsequent-child shower. I mean, really, you need to have a shower with each new arrival just to keep up to date on all the new gaga baby gear!
And if nothing else, think of my friend’s situation…they thought they were all done. They’d given away all their baby gear. Why shouldn’t we all get together and help out our friends and neighbours?
Well…what do you think? Which camp are you in? Are you a traditionalist or are you with me in the "any excuse for a party" camp? Share in comments below.
DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know, this post has nothing whatsoever to do with my weight loss journey. Mea culpa! Mea culpa! Other burning issues were on my mind this week, but I did manage to gain one pound last week that I’m diligently working on shedding. AND, I went to the gym not once but TWICE last week, too! I’m off to the gym again tomorrow…I promise to drop in and update everyone on how I do.
AND! AND! I’m so very excited to welcome Discovery Health Channel Canada as a sponsor – it just happens to be one of my favourite channels out there, and I watch it LOADS. Especially this week’s featured programming highlight – X-Weighted. I have seen EACH and EVERY episode, and I’m really excited to be treated to a whole new season this year. And as a bonus, it features all Canadian people in real Canadian cities (this is one of Hubster’s and mine fave games…guess the city by the skyline shots!).
We had one smallish shower for son #1 and my mother made the same “it isn’t done” kind of noises about a shower for #2 (3 years later), so no shower then. I REALLY wanted one, though, and could have used the boost– it was a very tough pregnancy taking care of a very busy 2 year old while enduring 9 months of morning sickness and a husband who was traveling most of the time for work. All life is to be celebrated– and I see nothing wrong with folks throwing showers for every child (as long as the push for “stuff” isn’t too strong). And I feel bad about all those empty pages at the beginning of son #2s baby book…:)
As to your friend– even traditionalists SHOULD be ok with her having had a shower– the old rule was that second showers were ok for your fifth child or if more than five years had passed between children (yes, it IS pathetic that I know this!). Now there are even “showers” for daddies– often “diaper showers” where the guy’s friends each bring a package of diapers and then watch some sporting thing on tv and eat “man grub” (no shower games allowed). 🙂 And I’ve even heard of “grandparent showers”, where the grandparents’ friends throw THEM a party (generally without the parents-to-be) and bring the grandparents gifts… (haven’t actually seen any of these up close and personal, though).
I have had a party for every child. The first was thelargest just becuase the group I was associated was the largest group I ever knew (Amway ladies!)and dear friends of my father and late mother in Law…they all wanted a peek at “little Pat’s first born”.
the second and third were smallish and just friends wishing me well and offering something new to the child to be born.
When i was pregnant withthe twins I had a job the watched me grow and go on leave. When the girls arrived they threw me a party, again more to see the babies I think. I felt special. I actually had two showers for the twins, the second was thrown for me by my sister and was done pre-birth. My sister was gathering donations for a twins stroller!
so the idea of a shower to me is more about others wanting to honor the mother…regardless of how many children she brings into this world.
I totally felt honored!
Heres a twist though…I threw a pre-birth “mother” shower for a gal I worked with….the theme was to honor the mother and shower her with gifts that would make her feel wonderful after the birth of the baby, a time when she would give so much of herself that the gifts offered would fill her cup. I invited everyone from work…..
No one came.
Except for her and her husband.
I totally agree with you & the others here — of course you should have a shower for each baby! I have a friend who is exactly in that position — 40+ and unexpectedly pregnant with her third. Her oldest is grade 3 and little guy in kindergarten. Plus she found out just after she started a new job. Who couldn’t use a little love & support in that situation?! I find it stranger that people are standoff-ish about throwing a baby shower! Who doesn’t want to browse cute little baby stuff?! Even better vicariously!! I just don’t get it! Of course, they could always chip in with others if they really aren’t into it — or a small bouquet of flowers would do the trick! Who doesn’t like to get flowers?? Anyway, I think each new life deserves a celebration 🙂 Even if it’s tea with no gifts at all — it’s the thought behind it that counts!
all babies are precious and why wouldn’t you celebrate them.i have never had a baby shower even though i have 4 of them.even if they dont need anything its still fun to have a party.and as for the moms age i was 43 when i had my now 3 year-old and almost (weeks away) 40 when i had my 7 year old.and i have 2 teens.
Why wouldn’t you celebrate a second, third, fourth+++ child?! It isn’t about the gifts but about a supportive gesture to a friend. I am with you, Kath. Go for it and let the others stew in their sour grapes.
I’m in the “celebrate every baby” camp. I think your first will be the biggest, just because you need more stuff, but I’ve had family & friend showers for all three kids, a big work one for my first and smaller work showers for my other two. I agree, it’s not at all about the gifts, but about everyone gathering to celebrate this new life. I think it’s a wonderful thing that you planned this for your friend.
I only have one child (so far!?) and had the world’s smallest shower – we had just moved cities, I was 7 months pregnant, and the attendees were my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother. Now, it isn’t that I don’t love my family, but come on! So with appreciation for their love and support, and of course, gifts, I really feel I missed out… there were no games, no decorations, no music, no friends, no people! It was given with love, and scraped together at the last minute by someone who must have realized that no-one else was planning a shower for me. So all this is to say that if we ever did decide to plunge back into baby-hood, that I would totally look forward to a chance to celebrate with my friends, to share stories, to laugh and get misty over tiny clothes and shakey toys… I would cherish an opportunity to welcome the birth of a new baby with the group of “mommies” who are about to become part of that new life’s circle of friends. I think that the arrival of a baby is a momentous occasion that is often taken for granted. The amazing process of pregnancy and birth are often the subject of jokes, avoidance, worry and a flood of opinions from people who don’t know you. So when that special baby does arrive, the occasion deserves (at the very least) a gathering of sincerely happy and welcoming folks. And at least, I did have that.
The shower for my third child was every bit as memorable and appreciated as the ones for my first and second. It isn’t about the gifts – I see it as an expression of friendship and support, and I am all for it.