Last year, on July 5th – seventeen days before my 35th birthday I lost one of my greatest friends to leukemia. She was 35 and had three children aged 1, 4 & 7.
Two days after that, on July 7th Seans Oma died.
And the day after my 35th birthday, July 23 my Nana died.
If this past year has taught me anything it’s taught me to appreciate what I have and not dwell on things that don’t matter or things I have no control over.
Today I turned 36.
Every birthday after my 28th birthday bothered me. Not sure what it was about 28 that I liked so much. Just sounds young.
I didn’t like the number getting higher – especially the 30’s. But this year was different.
I am grateful to turn 36.
I love that I am 36.
I was driving by myself the other day (a rarity) and I went through all the things that I have done in my life that I had always hoped I would do. Outside looking in, I haven’t lived a super exciting life full of travel and great adventures but I have lived a great life. A life that keeps me busy and on my toes. A simple life but definitely not boring.
I have traveled a few times to Northern Ireland to see where my family comes from and where most still live (and drank many a drink at some great pubs)
I have felt the exhilaration of falling in love.
I have experienced the excitement and anxiety of planning a (the best) wedding (I’ve ever been to).
I have felt the pride of owning our first home (and second and third and fourth…)
I have experienced the miracle of a life growing inside me – THREE times.
Given birth three times.
I have felt the bond of a baby nursing at my breast.
I have had my world completely turned upside down with a dr’s 4 simple words “Your son has autism”
Because of that I have been able to find great joy in the simplest of things.
Not something I had hoped for but has made me who I am today.
I have watched my daughter bleed out 3 times and have sat in an ambulance with her, praying she wouldn’t go into cardiac arrest.
Because of that, I remember to not sweat the small stuff.
Again – wasn’t in the plans but I would be a different mom without having gone through it.
I gained a perspective and an attitude toward parenting I would otherwise not have.
When Sean and I each lost a grandmother last July – I wasn’t sad. Of course I was going to miss them terribly, but they were each in their 80’s and had lived very full lives. I was so saturated in grief for my friend and I could only think “They got 50 more years than Fiona…FIFTY YEARS…”
So instead of getting depressed about getting older – I welcome each day, month and year. I am grateful to get to experience life with the people I love – whether it’s mundane things or exciting adventures – I’m here to live them.
Hey Juli
I hope you know you’re not alone. I think you just articulated what a good 50% of the population feels BUT you’re admitting it! I’m 41, a mom and still sometimes feel like I’m flailing in the wind. I have an awesome life, done amazing things but there is a niggling that it’s not all it could be. I’m taking some time now to think about the things that I want to do and see and experience and writing them down. I’m realizing that, hopefully, this will be a long life and that I have time to do them but I’m not going to wait. I will slowly do small things that bring joy to my life other than having a baby. And Kath is SO right! As mom’s of small kids, it’s all consuming. Give yourself some time but spend some time thinking about YOU and what you need to make you happy. The answers may be closer and easier than you think!
Juli, rest assured, you will find what it is that makes you happy. When you’re a mom to small kids, it’s rather all-consuming, but as they get a bit older you will be able to branch out more and expand your horizons again. I am doing it now (at 41) and have probably never been happier! My kids are a little bit older and now I am really focussing on developing me. It’s great.
Keep your chin up…you’ll get there sooner than you think!
I am struggling with 36 and hoping maybe you guys can get me over this hump. I never write on blogs so please be patient and forgiving with me. I turned 36 in March and I am struggling with my identity and purpose now. I always dreamed of getting married, getting a house and especially being pregnant and then having small children. I am blessed with all of these things. Pregnancies did not go as I had hoped because I was pregnant 7 times, have 2 children and lost one which makes me even more grateful for what I have. I have always appreciated what I have and consider myself very lucky. I am usually a happy positive person but now I am hiding this underneath.
The issue bringing me down seems to be that I don’t have a vision for myself further than the mother of small children. I have reached the point that I always dreamed of and pictured and I don’t have a bunch of solid dreams/vision for the future. I didn’t realize that my vision of myself was what drove all of my actions but now I do because I feel like I am flailing in the wind. If I were to have a vision it would be that I have a successful career as my children grow up (I am an accountant and work part time now) and then I get to watch their children when they have them but I am very aware that this vision is not within my dreams. Perhaps because there is issues right now with my sister-in-law it is very scary for me to rely on this vision. Children grow up and change and start their own life and may not have kids, or may move away or they or their spouse may not want me to look after their kids. I can’t have them attached to me forever.
I love children and don’t want my life ever without them. I relate so well with children and I don’t have a lot to say around adults. Don’t get me wrong, I get along with just about everyone, especially if they are “the talker”. I don’t brag, tell stories well, am a fashionista or party & drink. There’s not a whole lot interesting about me without children.
I’m sorry I sound like such a sad sack. I was so happy to find something that related to my age issue.
Christine- this is a beautiful list and already a very accomplished life – you have all the things anyone should want but mostly an appreciation for it- and that is the very best birthday gift.
You are strong and beautiful and I can tell a wonderful mother and partner. Let me tell you, if I may, that my 30’s at the time I believed to be my best decade- until I hit my forties and all I can say is life is beautiful and this decade is by far the best of my entire life! And you know it has been far from smooth.
Happy Birthday to you! keep loving life!
Christine, what a fabulous post. I, too, have been through a year of losses, and need sometimes to be reminded how terribly lucky I am to have this life and the great things I find in it. Cheers to 50 more years for us all!
WOW Christine you just about brought me to tears on that one and that doesn’t happen to me! As I am running around frantic this morning getting ready for vacation you just made me realize I AM GOING ON VACATION! I have my wonderful family, my health, their health, great friends (U INCLUDED OF COURSE XOXO). You just made me stop and smell the roses! Details don’t matter, material things don’t matter! Living life as God as designed for us is what matters. Jesus says to live life and to live it to the fullest! That doesn’t mean travel the world, have 2 of everything, it means live the life that God has given us and live it the most amazing way we can!
Thanks for the wonderful reminder! I thank God for you ofton for putting 2 couples together from two differnt worlds on a crazy ride together 11 years ago! Though we live so far apart you are always right beside me in my heart!
God Bless you and what you do for so many!
Laurie xoxox
Happy Birthday Christine. You look beautiful! I love your post. Aging shouldn’t be something that we fear and dread. I am always so excited to see what life has in store for me, I don’t look back I’m always looking forward.
Awesome, Christine. I totally agree. I have a renewed appreciation for every, single year I have the fortune to experience. What a fabulous way to honour your friend. Happy Birthday!