art studio for children “diving in”
I have very few regrets about my separation and divorce and the way my life has been since. I like the way I have rebuilt our lives, I love the unit that the three of us are, strong, connected and aware of our complexities, our failings and our strengths.
I do regret though two things- one that I never got the puppy that I promised to my children right after their dad and I split- although it might have killed me. And two, that I didn’t tell them we were splitting up in clear and concise terms.
I have thought about this recently because of my most serendipitous reunion with an old friend and her now grown daughter, who amazingly teaches and my daughters’ school, and was in turn recently inspired by my other blog, to write about her own unbrokeness as a child of divorce and deliverd this incredible speech to me and the hundreds of girls at the school a week ago.
She tells the story of THE FAMILY MEETING, where she at 10 was told in no uncertain terms, that they were splitting up. A plan was presented, a united front delivered it, there was no confusion, and she was made to understand, no anger either. She even got a meaningful gift at the end of it. The message is lousy beyond lousy but the delivery was one any therapist would say was deserving of an Oscar.
When I talk to my kids about that dark fall of 2006 they remind me that I did not handle as well as I would have liked to. I wanted to protect them and give them small doses of reality when maybe the bandaid should have been torn off quickly. At first I told them their dad was on a business trip. How 1950’s of me! Then a little while later I said “You know when you and your best friend need time apart? That is what your dad and I need right now.” So when you ask them- when did you know conclusively that your parents were splitting up? They would tell you Christmas day.
This kills me.
I feel terrible about it.
Fortunately, I feel good about everything else- just the other day my baby said to a visiting friend “That’s my mom- superwoman”
I accidentally overheard this which means it had nothing to do with her wanting to go shopping. Or get a puppy.
Thanks Kath It does not really upset me as much anymore actually – I wish it had been executed better but what is most fascinating is that communication is not always as easy as we think it is. I could have sworn I was clearer but the mind was jumbled and emotional at the time!
Oh Nancy, we single moms could find seven ways to Sunday to beat ourselves up – heck, Mommy guilt is a well-known phenomenon so I suspect even the happily-married variety are pretty hard on themselves, too.
You love your girls and want what’s best for them – they clearly know that and have thrived under your care and guidance. Let the past stay where it belongs – behind you.
(Oh, and when I start wallowing in my own mistakes, can you please remind me I just said that?)
Looking back often makes a person wince… but, it’s the intention that matters the most. 🙂
knowing you….you were just trying to make people happy and not worry and feel great about themselves. That’s what you do.
thanks Chris, yes hindsight is 20 20, isn’t it? Thank you, I see your cape too!
I think we all have those moments of regret.
I like that you recognize, but then move on from it and recognize all the good you did do.
In that moment – at that time in 2006 – you did the best you could do at that time.
Hindsight is what makes you think about what you would do differently. You didn’t have that then.
And yes. I agree with her…superwoman.