Oh October. You baffle me.
The leaves are turning, the air is crisper, the hats and sweaters come back. All my favourite things. I can have a fire in my fireplace one day and be back in my flip flops the next. I get to reconnect with all my friends that I play platform tennis with. We get a long weekend for Thanksgiving. We are settled firmly into a routine. All of these things make me so incredibly happy.
But tonight, in the middle of a rousing game of Scooby Doo penguins (you should try it sometime… it will be our own Trivial Pursuit success story), I found myself holding back tears for as long as I could and then I just let them flow for a few minutes. Will looked as confused as I felt. I said, ‘buddy sometimes Mom is just so overwhelmed with how she feels that she just cries. But it doesn’t mean I’m sad.’ He shrugged and went back to playing.
I think that this time of year, Thanksgiving, has become a bit tainted for me.
I think that this time of year, Thanksgiving, has become a bit tainted for me. It used to be, hands down, my favourite holiday. No pressure! No gifts. No religious connotation. Just an amazing dinner at an awesome time of year.
Now it’s filled with memories of my mom being sick. And every Thanksgiving that I spend without her is just a reminder of all of that. It was when we knew the end was near and it was out of our hands. It’s coupled with memories of my postpartum breakdown. The two lowest points of my life – both happening at my favourite time of the year. Hence the confusion.
My family is also scattered for Thanksgiving now. My dad and step-mother are generally away this time of year and my siblings have their own stuff going on. I find holiday dinners for two a little depressing somehow.
Last year, I found Thanksgiving almost unbearable. After showing up on my friend Susannah’s doorstep balling my eyes out, we planned our own dinner. We’re repeating this year – but I think that had more to do with the stuffing that I brought from Bruno’s. Will and I are going to head out (hopefully) to the Norfolk Fair to meet up with our friends Ryan and Jodi and the beautiful Myra. All of these things make me happy as I type.
Just need a foot massage
And where I type makes me happy. Here. My nook of peace and why I fell in love with my house in the first place. Down the hall, the best part of my life is sleeping. He is here. He is healthy. He is more than I could have ever dreamed for.
I’m thankful for so many things. I have a very blessed life. But at this time of year, for this week, I’m going to allow myself to be melancholy. And one of these years, Thanksgiving will have the magic it used to have.
Who the hell would have ever thought that I’d prefer Christmas to Thanksgiving. My mom is having the last laugh at that one!
I’m so sorry that this time of year is so difficult for you.
My Nana died very suddenly on Christmas Eve in 2002 – exactly 6 weeks to the day that Cuyler was born and my PPD was starting to peak.
Just like me, she LOVED the holidays. Christmas was her favourite.
I found it ironic that she died Christmas Eve. I was angry about that too. Very angry that first year.
But instead, I think we started to really embrace the season that much more and celebrate because she loved it so much.
I agree with Julie. Just as your mom created all of those amazing memories that you cherish, you are creating the memories and traditions for Will now so embrace that aspect of it.
xoxo
don’t be afraid to feel your feelings…all those memories are precious! don’t forget, too, that you are making wonderful memories for someone wee 🙂 norfolk fair for thanksgiving? yes please!
Aw, sorry you are feeling this way. I think you are wise to just give into it for a while, like you said, and truly feel the sadness. Then it will pass again and the tears will have dried. I love that nook of yours, though. Looks so peaceful!