I went to visit a friend last week who lost her husband to suicide.
He died of suicide
She tells me she says it this way, not ‘he committed suicide”.
This is my first lesson from Mary
She is a friend in the neighbourhood who I rarely, if ever, see, not a close friend but someone I like who I have known for 25 years. We spent a little time together when our youngest daughters were in ballet class together at age 4. Sometimes they would play and we would all have lunch directly following the dance class. Those are such simple times when I look back on them now. She brought cupcakes once and I made her give me the icing recipe- which I still have. Perfect icing was actually my first lesson from Mary.
Her tears came easily and her thoughts too. I was shocked by how well she looks- tinier even then I remember- but well and pretty. I look in amazement at times when acute grief does not steal beauty.
We spoke of grieving and of how we need to let people in when we are suffering.
She told me of spectacular stories of compassion from friends and neighbours.
I have made a list of what I learned from Mary on what feels right when someone is suffering-
1. Don’t ask me to call you when I need something. That is an extra responsibility.
2. Just do for me, it will always be the right thing if it is from the heart
3. The next door neighbour who lit candles on her lawn every night in honour of the loss warmed my heart
4. The meals that were dropped off on plates with cutlery and napkins at 6 pm warm and ready to eat surpassed the casseroles which meant 5 more steps. (Remember even breathing can be hard at times of grief and tragedy)
5. Turn off your cell phone when you visit me. My pain is acute and the call from your gardener while I am sharing with you is painful
6. When you ask how I am and I say “fine” or if I look “fine” it is as fleeting as is “awful”. I have learned to say “In this moment I am fine” Or “in this moment I am having trouble”.
7. Friends sleeping over for those first 60 days saved my life.
8. Don’t expect me to move on when you think I should
9. When I overhear you telling someone I am doing fine, I want to scream and shake you
10. Life goes on incredibly, the sun shines, people laugh, children are born, renovations are made, new shoes are bought and days turn into nights.
I learned this from Mary. I wish it was just icing.
yes Nan, trauma weight I call it. Post separation I looked like I was in a concentration camp.
So happy this post was of service to you. All the best, you sound amazing and strong- Nancy
Speaking from someone who lived with a partner who attempted suicide twice, I can really relate to these. It was really hard to ask for help and for support, to have to explain – and re-live – over and over again, what happened.
People don’t understand this, and I would have really really appreciated unasked-for help. There is a shame attached to suicide, that somehow something went horribly wrong in the household and we – the wives/mothers were unable to contain it. It feels like a failure of some kind and there is guilt and shame woven into it.
The irony of living through this is I lost a noticeable amount of weight, not because I was trying to, but because of the sheer stress of it. And I got complimented on my looks all the time, like I should be happy or something, when really I was living through the worst time of my life.
Increasingly I’m realizing that these stories are more common than we know. Bravo to Mary for her openness and presenting the unvarnished truth behind her husband’s death.
Thank you. For the truth. For the pure and direct words from you and mostly from Mary. I’m making that call!
Great reminders, especially #2. Do not ever think twice, just do it!!
Well done Nancy for sharing this with us all and to Mary for being so open and honest about how it feels. Its never too late to show your sorrow. Thank you.
these are great points. we should all memorize these because we never know what to say when someone’s loved one dies. dying of suicide must be so hard for everyone, not knowing what to say is increased one thousand fold.
Wow Nancy – what an amazing list. All such great reminders. Thanks to you and Mary.