“I no love you.”
Pea uttered these four words last night when I was trying to get her diaper and pajamas on before putting her to sleep. She looked me straight in the eyes when she said it and there was a teeny moment of silence before I reacted.
Unlike the time I fumbled through her reaction to seeing my junk, I think I handled this unexpected bit of dialogue quite well. My response was simply, “That’s fine, sweetie, but Daddy still loves you. No matter what.”
Despite my calm reaction, hearing her tell me she doesn’t love me cut like a knife. She’s said mean things before… I’ve documented her preference for my wife in recent months and I am quite familiar with “I no want you.”
But “I no love you” is a horse of a different colour.
I think it hurt so much for two reasons:
- Pea obviously knows how strong those words are. To move from not wanting to not liking to not loving clearly demonstrates an appreciation for the importance of these words and their significance. That she is using these words to try and get what she wants is especially crappy. So, yeah, that sucked.
- I wasn’t expecting to hear her tell me she doesn’t love me for another ten years, at least. It was a bit of a shock to have that level of rebellion come to fruition so fast.
The rest of the diaper and pajama routine was fraught with mini tantrums and dead weighting. Once I managed to get her diaper and pajamas on, I let Pea squirm away and she walked down the hallway, turned to face me, and sulked to the floor and into herself for a few seconds.
I sat, unmoving, where I was and waited for her to look up. When she did, I simply met her with eye contact and smiled.
Pea’s reaction was actually quite unexpected. She stood up, walked back towards me and threw herself into my lap for some snuggles. I gave her a big hug, and we headed off to her room for stories and milk.
But in the end, I don’t know what was more emotional for me — the attack or the reconciliation.
I read somewhere that children are not emotionally capable of understanding the true meaning of the words “I love you” until they are nearly school age. I know that doesn’t make what she said hurt any less, but she didn’t mean it. It is hard being the grown-up sometimes!!
i don’t know why i remember it, but it’s as clear as day. i must have been about 3 and i said to my mom, “i don’t love you” because she did something i didn’t like. i also remember that it wasn’t that i didn’t love her, i was just really mad but didn’t know how to say, “i’m really mad at you” and thought the two were the same thing.
i quickly learned the difference! anyway, just remember….”that’s okay, i have enough love for the both of us” and rinse and repeat.
I’m with Jen and MJ Shawn…not belittling your hurt at all…but as awesomely advanced and smart as Pea is (cause all our kids are) she knows not of what she speaks on that front…..or most fronts….Will says he’s going to eat the red red car for breakfast and he means it….though he agrees it would be crunchy…
And Ali is wise…
I agree with The Ali Martell. You can totally pwn this whole deal, dude. *snickers*
She is very small and doesn’t have the full grasp of this, but she uses what she thinks will work. As Jen said, if it doesn’t work on you, she won’t use it.
That’s the deal with just about everything, I reckon.
Totally agree with MJ. My kids are older and things get way more complicated. You are setting the foundation now so you need to separate yourself a bit from her and see her as an individual and not just your child. She so obviously gets the fact that she has something that works on you. Remember, kids are simply little people. They are smart and she knows what works. Don’t let it hurt you but, at the very least, don’t let her see that it does.
I think your reaction to her words was perfect but make sure you actually believe it. Because, despite the fact that she is two, she can tell. She definitely loves you so don’t even worry about that. But sometimes it is very simple to her and for some reason she was upset or irritated and was lashing out and seeing what stuck. My daughter has told me a few times that she hates me. I said it to my mom. I never, ever meant it or believe that my daughter did. I know that my calm reaction and continued love of her made the words meaningless and impact-less. Plus, she immediately saw the words for what they were and felt bad. If it doesn’t work on you, she won’t use it.
Oh, Shawn. She is TWO!! She definitely does NOT understand the power of these words, that is obvious by her snuggles within minutes. However, she will learn pretty quickly that they have an impact from you if you get heartbroken every time. She is testing you and she is winning.
You need to toughen up, dude. Seriously. Your future is wrought with heartbreak if you don’t see this for what it is – a little girl testing the waters and getting the best of you BIG TIME! Your girl loves you. I have no doubt. And neither should you.
Don’t let her win, Shawn.
Just remember you are bigger than she is.
Hi Shawn, my 5 year old started saying the same things … altho she’ll say “I hate you Dad. I want mom” often instead of “I don’t love you”. I handle it the exact same way you did. Something like “I wish you did. But I love you no matter what. Always.” Finish whatever routine is going on ( usually its bedtime ), and leave. There’s always an extra huig snuck in :-). She will usually call out for me, and then apologize.
They are just pushing boundaries, both theirs and yours. Except in extreme circumstances, they don’t mean it.
Live. Learn. Love.