Earlier tonight, Pea saw “it,” acknowledged “it,” and I froze.
In case I am being too coy, I’m talking about my penis. That’s right folks, we’re firmly in the TMI zone. Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy road.
Here’s how it went down.
My wife and I were a little late in putting Pea down for bed tonight. I decided that, in order to speed up bath time, I would quickly hop in the shower with Pea to wash her hair and body before handing her off to my wife for the diaper and cream part of the proceedings.
As I was holding Pea in the shower, she peered over my arm and looked down to the floor. She was pointing at what I thought were the animal-shaped decals we’ve put on the bottom of the tub to prevent her from slipping during her baths. She kept pointing, and I kept naming the animals on the ground.
“This?”
“That’s an otter sweetie.”
“No, this?”
“Oh, that one’s a polar bear.”
“No, this?”
“That’s a seal.”
“NO, THIS!?”
“Which one sweetheart? I’ve named all the anima…oh… you’re pointing at… oh… um, that’s for Daddy.”
And cue the distraction tactics.
Long before Pea was born, I had it all worked out in my mind. I was going to be an open, honest and forthcoming father, especially about all things sexual. I wouldn’t hide from her the things that should be natural and normal. I would explain things calmly, rationally and logically, and even if she didn’t understand what I was saying in the moment, I would nevertheless be laying the groundwork for a well-adjusted and self-aware little girl.
So how, exactly, does one go from an ‘honesty-at-all-costs’ mentality to ‘that’s for Daddy?’
I have no idea. Really, why didn’t I just say “That’s Daddy’s penis. It’s a private part for Daddy, just like your vagina is a private part for Pea”? And leave it at that.
Instead, I babbled like I had just been asked to identify the capital of Kyrgyzstan (it’s Bishkek… I Googled it to save you the suspense). I essentially took the first opportunity I had to teach my daughter about sexuality and flushed it down the shower drain.
Sure, I’ll have plenty of opportunities to redeem myself. I can still be the Dad I want to be, but I now know I need to be ready at all times with a suitable answer to her quite reasonable questions.
Now that Pea knows ‘it’ is there, I wonder – should Daddy-Daughter showers be a thing of the past? As she becomes more inquisitive, should my wife and I be a little more cautious about which bits Pea sees and doesn’t see?
Personally, I refuse to believe that because I have a little girl, it will henceforth be OK for my wife to be naked around her, but not me. If I had a little boy instead of a little girl, this wouldn’t even be an issue.
Sure, there will come a time when her maturity level reaches the point where it makes sense to stop covorting naked around the house. But is that now? I remember reading somewhere that as soon as children start to enquire about parts of the body that aren’t the same as theirs, it’s time to begin covering up around them.
UrbanMommers, is this your mentality too? How did you handle the first sighting in your house? I know a lot of you out there have kids that are older than Pea (she’s just about 2 years old now), so there’s got to be precedent galore.
I await your feedback.
Just in case, we’ll skip the hair washing tomorrow… so you have about 40 hours until Pea’s hair becomes unbearably greasy.
hahahaha
I love this blog! I can just picture her for the third time after you’ve named all the animals “NO THIIIIS” LOL
how embarassing- but you know what I know you have the right judgement in what to say to her, you already have and dont worry…… there will be plenty and I mean plenty (got you freaked out yet? lol) of more times for you to come up with a more knowledgable answer 😛 For now, enjoy your showers with her- I’m sure she has already forgetten…. until next time! lol dun dun dun
I showed my other half ur blog and he had a good chuckle. There was a point when our girls were smaller, well even with our son too, that he thought he was the only guy to have to deal with this kinda thing LOL Like most of the other moms have said…Honesty is the best policy!! I have always tried to be as honest as possible with them about the awkward and embarrassing questions that kids can come up with. If you are just open and honest with them from the get go there is less confusion later on (we learned this lesson with our oldest :P)
Bf says to say…wait until she realizes that u pee different than she does!! Thats another funny one. When our oldest daughter first realized it she stood there watching to see what/why/how/ etc. She even tried to stick her head between his legs (from behind) to check things out LMAO I have never seen my other half so flustered.
LOL – to both this post and that picture! The only thing that could make that picture even better is if you had a Timmy’s in your hand! 🙂
As for the actual parenting dilemma, I certainly don’t have the answers but it is definitely something that we must navigate here too. We have only one bathroom. So we’re always walking around naked in front of other family members in our home. At this point, I figure it’s healthy for my daughter to see what a “real” woman actually looks like and not only see “fake” versions of the female body. Hubby still showers with the door open too, so it’s not a gender thing. Our thinking at this point is that once a child displays any discomfort, that’s when it’s time to develop modesty/privacy guidelines for all family members to respect.
I agree with taking cues from your kids, so that hopefully a healthy discussion can take place. I grew up in a household where sex was taboo. We didn’t talk about it, my parents obviously loved each other but I never saw any signs of intimacy except maybe holding hands and an occasional peck on the cheek here and there, until I went off to university. I definitely think that a more open experience would have at least made me feel more comfortable with the subject around my parents, and made it possible for me to even consider going to them with any questions during my pubescent years. To this day, I’m uncomfortable watching a movie with my parents if there are any intense make-out or sex scenes – let alone nudity! At the same time, I had some friends whose parents were very open about sex, and I don’t think that I would’ve wanted that either. I hope to find a middle ground as my daughter grows up.
Julie, everytime I look down I think of your otter comment… it just might stick!
Christine, as I was writing the post, I considered the alternatives I could have said… your comments about “that’s for mommy” was on the list!!
I have a 7 year old boy, Chase and a 5 year old daughter, Miyah and for some reason over the last month or so the topic of conversation has meandered towards penis’s and boobs oh and “NUTS” more times than I can truly make logically sense of….then again I did just have breast augmentation so that might account for the boob talk..
Anyhow…I think that being honest with kids is the best policy. They are going to learn it from you or from kids at school. Personally I would rather them learn it from me.
Chase wants to know why his penis grows.
Miyah colored her nipples red the other day and asked why she had them.
Chase wants to know why it hurts to get kicked in the “nuts”.
And finally Miyah taught all the kids in her daycare where babies come from…thanks to having watched “Look Who’s Talking”.
I don’t want my kids to ever feel embarrassed to talk to me about anything. I figure as the teen years approach I am going to want them to feel like they can ask me anything with out me clamming up.
All that being said, I think it has to do with personality of individual parents. If it is out of your comfort zone and your kids are going to sense that maybe it best be dealt with another way.
Oh the joys of children! 🙂
Loved the post. We’re a pretty relaxed family, too. My daughter is almost 6 and my son just turned 3. They ask questions, we try to answer as simply, yet bluntly as possible. We’re open about our bodies and nakedness is nothing new here. I think I’ll go by my kids’ cues as far as when to cover up in front of them.
My daughter asked the other day how babies get out. I told her, “Believe it or not, the vagina.” I loved her response, “Whaaaaat?!” in that kind of half giggle, half trying-to-process-the-info kind of way. I just said, “I know!” She was satisfied and that was that.
They keep it interesting, don’t they? 🙂
My wife showed me your blog and I couldn’t stop laughing when I was reading this as it was so me. My daughter is now five and that conversation is still somewhat awkward as she is “daddy’s little girl”. I still struggle with it to this day and it is only half truths that I tell her. However, I’ve learned that it is much easier to just stick with penis and vagina. They are less inquisitive if you do that. What I can say is that the questions only keep coming and get more challenging as they get older…whether it is of the sexual nature or not.
Our first 2 kids are boys so the penis thing wasn’t a big deal for my husband.
And since I served as a wetbar for over 3 years I felt like my boobs were pretty much hanging out all the time. Not a big deal for them to see boobs.
We’re a pretty open (read: naked) family and never purposely covered up in the shower or while getting dressed. Still don’t with our youngest kids.
I find myself turning away or closing the door when my 9yr old boy is around. Just went with my gut on that one. Seemed the right time to give myself more privacy around him.
When our youngest, who is a girl, first noticed her Dad’s parts he just told her what it was “That’s my penis. Cam and Cuyler have penis’s too because thy’re boys. But you don’t have one because you’re a girl. You have the same parts as mommy”
That was is it.
She just asked me this week when she can have boobs.
(Oh and my smartass husband would have inappropriately and sarcastically said to our 2 year old “Thats for Mommy” instead of “Thats for daddy”. Obviously above their understanding…)
TMI here too but nudity reigns at my house and I live with all boys! A dear friend taught me a trick–as soon as you get the disgusted “Awww mom!!” comment—then grab a towel. In the meantime, enjoy the showers and laughs you all have together and the comfort you all feel being naked. It is really a North American thing to be so paranoid about privates. The way I see it, being comfortable naked and seeing us naked allows my kids to be confident and forward when asking personal questions and/or sharing personal concerns or fears. It is certainly a personal issue— I know some parents who think I am borderline abusing my kids by not running and hiding if they happen to open the door when I’m in the shower.
Besides, who else is gonna tell it like it is but your 7 year old looking at your boobies saying “Mom, those have kind of changed in the last couple of years!” Ouch.
“that’s an otter….” i think you’ve found yourself a new nickname 🙂 i laughed when i read that! i have my youngest daughter yanking her nipples out really far yelling “what are these for!?!”
yup, the in your mind/before being a parent conversations are certainly different than the real thing! i think you did just fine, don’t worry about it!
One is never prepared for their first STARING contest. Hence, as parents we are never prepared with answers, so the best philosophy is to be honest and matter of fact. If you don’t give them answers, they only continue to ask which only escalates your anxiety on how to deal with it. When mine were little, I always found that a simple matter of fact honest reply to a very simple request from a 2 year old is all that was needed. As for YOU, looks like you have been working out! Great genes!
OMG, Shawn. I am totally hyperventilating! You are now crowned the KING of TMI! I think the key here is do what feels comfortable to you because kids are amazingly smart and they will pick up on it if you aren’t. There will be uncomfortable moments (I remember the time my son first notice my chest was different from his…STARING) and you will modify your behaviour to suit these changes. But I agree, being open, honest and unashamed is the best way to encourage a positive body image and a healthy outlook.